The creativity part of my brain feels stagnant. I've been trying to motivate it by checking out more sewing/crafting blogs. One of the new blogs I'm checking out is Me Sew Crazy and today they're having a giveaway for a Visa card. I'm supposed to blog about it to try to win it so please excuse this post if you think it is annoying but $100 is a lot in my world!

Differences that teach me

Call me crazy but I really thought that at 33 (and only a month and ten days away from being 34) I might not be so afraid of people not liking me. That maybe I'd have some confidence in who I am and what I have to offer in a friendship. I still lose my marbles a little whenever I go somewhere that will surround me with people I don't know.

After living in this community for over five years, I still feel like I have three heads. I have friends here but sometimes it is exhausting knowing that most of their world view is more conservative than mine. I keep my mouth shut a lot because I am afraid I may get burned at the stake if I were to voice many of my beliefs  even with the one friend I consider a very close friend. For the most part I have shied away from sharing liberal items on Facebook. I know my friends back home wouldn't have a problem with it, but here is another story. A couple weeks ago I finally took a chance. I was sick of hiding. A woman that I am hoping to become friends with posted this and I shared it. A number of my friends from back home 'liked' it. Just as quickly, another friend from here commented as to why she disagreed with it. (Now I know she is just sharing her opinion, and she believes that as well, but it often comes across like she is ready for a fight.) I struggled for a few minutes as I tried to decide how to word what I thought - terrified that I wouldn't be concise enough with what I wanted to say or worse, sound like an idiot. Luckily, a friend from back home swooped in and beautifully stated an opposing opinion which was exactly what I wanted to say. (I thank her for her thoughts.) I'm not sure if constantly being surrounded by these differing opinions will push me too hard - I already feel stifled.

"Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to
use the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake."*

I'm trying to grow. Rather than avoiding people who hold different views, I listen. I have learned a lot about making connections with people who I don't click with immediately. I met one woman within the first year I lived here but it wasn't until we both had kids that we became friends. I know I wouldn't have been able to friends with her when we first moved here. I didn't understand how to be friends with people who thought very differently than I about some things. I felt threatened by differing opinions but I am finding that there common threads to build friendships on and learning more about myself. When it comes to the really important things, my views aren't changing to what I am surrounded by, I'm learning more why I believe what I do.

"we had to learn how to bend
without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got
and what I'm not
and who I am."

When I first moved here I went through a lot of culture shock and I struggled. There was a lot I needed to learn about people and friendships. I had spent so many years with people who had similar experiences as I did (school, working in the music community). Those I became friends with rarely had different moral/political beliefs than I did. I took this for granted and truly thought it would always be like this. Perhaps it was about time I learned that this isn't always the norm. I'm not sure if constantly being surrounded by these differing opinions will push me too hard; I already feel stifled. I am trusting that my gut will tell me when I have compromised too much. It's been a pretty trustworthy guide so far.

"I won't give up on us
even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up.
I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough enough
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it." 

 It is hard to feel so out of place on a regular basis but I am holding on. (Some days, barely.) I'm trying to have faith in myself but it can be harder some days than others when I feel like I'm lacking connection to the people in my life that keep me grounded.

*All quotes from Jason Mraz's song I Won't Give Up.

Enough already!

It amazes me how fully my kids live each moment. If they're happy, they beam and smile with every inch of their bodies. If they're pissed, well the whole world is gonna know. And between these two extremes there is so much that happens. The life I see in their eyes as they learn and explore everything around them is inspiring. I love how much they love their life and how proud they are of themselves and what they accomplish each and every day. I've said it before and I will say it until the day that I die, I will do everything in my power to help them grow and strengthen in who they are; I want them to be courageous in who they are and each step they take.

When she was around 3 I remember holding my niece's face as she looked up at me and I told her that she was beautiful and that I wanted her to always remember that. Today I learned that this perfect girl is being bullied. I am sickened. I am angry. I am sad. I do not know any particulars, only that she has been having major struggles with getting to sleep and is constantly complaining about stomach aches that my sister is relating to anxiety.

The part of my mum brain that finds ridiculous things to worry about before they are even close to being a possibility has always been afraid of my kids being bullied. Big Love was bullied a when he was in school. To what extent he never says. He only says it is in the past and doesn't matter anymore. He was a skinny kid who was a year and a half younger than his classmates. Very smart. And he wasn't very good at sports. He was the kid who often got picked last. I'm afraid that what happened to him will happen to our kids.

Bullying makes me sick. I hate the stories of children committing suicide because they are being bullied in school, I hate everything that comes of bullying. For some children to be raised believing it is ok to treat other people so poorly is wrong and I pray hard that one day it will end. I never want the light in my kid's eyes to be extinguished by anything or anyone. I do not want anyone to tell them they are not good enough or beautiful enough - or worse, that they would ever believe those words. There is not an inch of them I do not think is absolutely perfect in every way.

I hope my niece can get the help she needs to function better. I hope her bully gets the help s/he needs to stop being angry and hurting my niece.

A Song for Sweet One

Dear Kristen Chenoweth,

My three year old daughter loves your music. She thinks they're awesome. I do, too. The Christmas I was pregnant with her, I listened to your Christmas album over and over and over. And over. Considering I had Sweet One two weeks after Christmas, it wasn't a surprise to me when the following year she started singing along to the songs. It was the first time she ever sang along to music that was playing.

I got your new album when it was available and Sweet One has enjoyed it a lot. This morning, she and I were in the car driving to the mom's group when I heard her say, "Make it louder, Mum!" and we sang to this song all the way. It nearly brought tears to my eyes listening to her singing these lyrics. Thank you for having songs on it that will help to nurture the kind of woman I hope she grows into. (Ok, so doesn't exactly understand what she's singing about when she says that she wants someone she can bitch about!)


Perhaps one day I'll be able to take her to one of your concerts.

Progress

January did have more stickers than X's, but the big goal I had in mind for February was to cover up the entire month in stickers. We didn't make it as there was one "Big Ugly X". I think I was more disappointed than her because I was really excited to take her to a toy store and let her pick out her very own new toy (she's never done that before) as a reward for making it through the whole month, bite free. Oh well. Hopefully March will be another story!

Some people's fathers!

It's not that often I get a thorough update about what's been going on from my sister, but yesterday's left me with a gnawing feeling in my stomach that I can't seem to shake.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before but my sister opened a cupcake/coffee/tea shop just over a year ago. My dad works in home renovation and is often waiting for things to dry and so he spends a lot of time sitting in the shop. Unfortunately, it seems that his presence there is starting to cause her to lose business.

A young boy, about 12 years old, was there with some friends. He couldn't decided what he wanted so he said that he'd like two cupcakes. The kid is 'playfully' smacked on the arm and told, "No, you don't want two cupcakes. You need a sandwich to go with that." My father proceeded to badger this kid until he ordered a sandwich exactly as my father had told him to. After the kid receives his food he realizes that there is no room to sit, as it was lunchtime. He is quickly grabbed and forced to sit down at the table with my father where he proceeded to not eat the food he ordered because he was too uncomfortable.

Later my sister received a phone call from the mother because she was concerned there was a sexual predator hanging out and badgering children at the shop. The staff remembered all of this and were shocked that my father DID NOT KNOW THE KID AT ALL! Not one fukking bit! She profusely apologized, explaining that my father is lacking in social skills and while he is harmless it is frustrating. She offered a free lunch or to mail a gift card in case she isn't there when he returns. The mother thanked her but said her son will probably never step foot in there again.

This is the second time my father has been asked to stop bothering customers. She says that he disappears for awhile, probably pouting, and then returns later on as if he hasn't learned a damn thing. "You just don't touch other people's kids! You'd think he would have learned when he damn near got his nose broken!" The nearly broken nose was a story I hadn't heard.

There was a hockey game going on. In the small town I grew up in, hockey games are a big thing. A huge portion of the community usually ends up there. Something happened that made my father grab a kid. I guess my father picked the wrong kid to mess with this time as his father wasn't too pleased when he heard what had happened. My father was punched in the face five times. It was rough. My brother was officiating at the hockey game. It was the talk of the town for a long time. Charges were almost made by the kid's family. This situation should have never happened. My father needs to get over himself and back the fukk away. Leave other people alone! (Also, why a 30 something guy thought it was appropriate to punch a 60 year old, I don't know.) Such a mess.

Sometimes I wonder how me and my siblings survived being raised by my father as well as he did. I feel sorry for him. He is lonely, doesn't have a functional relationship in his life and doesn't do a thing to make his life better. My niece and nephew don't want to spend time with him and only do when they have to. When your children have to 'explain' your behavior to strangers ... I don't know. I'm finally at a loss for words about it. To quote my sister, "Yeah ... it was rough. Harder to see him afterwards, tho. Everything about him is rough, sad."

And this is a man who once upon a time was the pastor of a congregation. What seminary wouldn't weed out its applicants a little better! He can't even function in his own life, never mind fulfilling the roles of a pastor!

Huh? It's Oscar Night?

One of my favorite things to do is go to a matinee by myself. Some may find it pathetic, but I loved going and, more often than not, having the theater almost to myself. I would go at least once a month for awhile but since Little Man has been born I've only gone once.

We used to go through three or four movies a month. Now I'm lucky if I can get one movie.

I have no clue what's going on for the Oscars. I just googled "Oscars Nominees 2012" and that is the only reason I know anything. And really, I don't know anything because I have no clue about most of the movies up for awards. I added them all to my netflix list. As if I'll get to them any time soon!

I'm hoping that once Little Man is down to one nap a day I can go see a movie a little more regularly. I miss having that time for myself.

I haven't had any time for myself in 2.5 weeks.

Instead of watching the Oscars, I'm going to watch a movie. We've had 50/50 sitting on our shelf for at least two weeks, if not three.

Two kids is sure a lot different than one. Good thing I don't want three!