9 months later

A week ago when we were at our Saturday place for cinnamon buns (a local artisan bakery which we love), I saw a photo on the wall that came from the next door art store. It is of a bit of a dark 'spot' in the trees. Like a quiet place one might find to go and sit. Rays of sunshine are making their way through the branches to light to it a little at a time. I fell in love with it. I've never felt a connection with a photo the way I do with that one. It was on my mind the moment we walked in the store. To say it spoke to me sounds cheesy but that is absolutely true. I felt deep down that I needed to have it. It was $175. I didn't have the money for it but I couldn't take the risk of it disappearing.

I went next door and spoke with the store owner. I told her something was drawing me to that picture and that I wanted it but I didn't have the money right. She told me for $5 down, it is mine and I can pay as I can until I reach the total. No time limit. "You should have an emotional experience when you buy a piece of art."

I nearly cried. I had no worries about committing to the price. (That was quite surprising in itself!) She let me take a small sold sign to place on the picture and I couldn't have been happier. Something in that picture speaks a truth to me that I am only beginning to understand.

I got home and was glancing through Facebook. Sweet One said she wanted to see "that picture". I pulled up my profile picture, saw my father holding me at about 1 year old and both of us completely covered in diaper cream. I looked at the date in the lower right corner of my computer. 9 months ago today he died.

So much is churning inside of me. One thing is somehow connected to the next. I'm singing again, I'm finding beauty in things I see. But most of all, I'm learning to trust my inner voice.

Starting 35

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was stuck in a funk for too much of the day. Thirty was exciting because I was looking forward to getting pregnant (and strangely enough I ovulated on my birthday and had a positive test a few weeks later!) and I saw so much ahead of me. But with 35, I'm done having babies and I really don't know what is ahead. I've been working through so much over the past 9 months and sometimes I have moments of peace but there are a lot more moments when I feel like I have no clue.

Yesterday morning I ventured out into the rain to go for my run. It's been rough getting back to running since the snow has melted, dealing with a hip injury, and I really wanted a good one. When I got to the trail the rain stopped. The run felt ok. Near the end the sun peaked out for two songs. It was the first time I was actually hearing the lyrics in a particular song and this is what I heard:

You've gotta learn to let things go
Start living without fear
Be willing to fall down, there's so much love here
Believe in what you feel
Relax and know that love, will set you free my dear

Jann Ardne's lyrics spoke to so much of what I'm working through right now. I couldn't ignore it. Then when it was over, the clouds covered up the sun and I didn't see it again for the rest of the day.

Today I started singing while I was washing the floors.  It felt somewhat free and easy. I had no choice but to run upstairs and see if I was close to the appropriate key or if it would be higher and therefore much harder to sing. But it wasn't. I was only a semitone off. I phone a friend of mine who just lost her father and asked her if they would like me to sing at the funeral. She started crying and said they would love it. After 4 years of not singing, I'm jumping in with both feet and it feels good. Terrifying and exciting, but completely right.

I got an email today from the director of Residence Life at the school I did my undergrad at. He told me of how he had been thinking of me and a solo I sang a long time ago. The title of the song was "Behold! I make all things new". His son had lost his wife unexpectedly (neither of them would even be 30) shortly after my Dad died and has found a new love. Some beauty after a hard time. I don't usually get emails from this man but to get one today with all those words, well, I can't help but wonder.

I really don't know what is ahead of me but I'm going to try to stay open to what is around me and learn what I can. It could be quite good!

Let go

Everywhere I turn I am being told I need to let go. It is the only way to move on. "The work happens in the let go." I don't know exactly how to do it right now but I'm finding my way, step by step. It's hard. It's terrifying. But during my 35 miles drive home after an appointment with my counselor, I felt a peace that I don't feel that often. Being an INFP, when I can feel something it is my truth. So I take a moment to breathe it in and let the feeling permeate my body. Right now I am where I am supposed to be. It's not the easiest place but there are moments of beauty and light. I believe that when I am through this part of my life, things will be better. I will be better. And it will be worth every moment.

What's next?

At the end of a long day of traveling we found ourselves in a strange city. While neither of us had ever been to Seattle, save driving from its airport to a hotel further north, it didn't make us nervous. Cities make sense to me. The mass transit, the buildings, the people walking and cycling. I loved it. Little Man was strapped to my back while I pushed Sweet One in the stroller and Big Love hauled the suitcase behind him. At least my cargo sang at the top of her lungs for most of our trek!

I want to be living in a bigger center in the next few years. Right now ourr life in a small town with very small housing costs is manageable but I worry about whether or not we'll be able to manage it. (Yes, one day I do want to go back to work but the idea of what to do and how to make my skills appealing is another post in and of itself.) I see the people walking down the street, I read blogs of young families figuring out their owns lives where they live and I can't stop wondering how we all end up right where we are. I look at lovely houses and gardens with children playing in them and try to picture us in their place. I'm excited at the idea of figuring out how to get where we want to be but also scared because I really have no idea what our options might be. Or even if it is going to happen when I'd like it to happen. (We originally thought we would only live here for 5 years. This July it will be 7!)

Maybe that's my problem. I have no idea. There's no equation that will help me understand why one person lives in a wonderful city while I am in this wee town. We need to take the steps necessary to see where our next stop is but there are moments I'm afraid it will never happen.

Two Zippered Pouches: One for an Innotab2 and one for food

In six sleeps we will wake up earlier than the sun and hopefully be out our door, on the road to the airport, by about 6:30. We have a nearly two hour drive to the airport then we hop on our first flight that will take us to Washington. Then the fun beings as we board plane #2 and arrive in Seattle, WA 6 hours later. We'll grab a hotel and then be on the Clipper the next morning. 

I'm not really looking forward to this trip. I'm worried that I won't get any sleep and I'll get glared down by my MIL more times than I'm comfortable with. On the other side of that, I'm hoping I'll grow up enough to just let go without putting negative expectations on it and try to enjoy myself while my kids get to spend some time with their grandparents and aunt and uncle. Sweet One is absolutely, completely excited about this trip. Yesterday after Preschool her teacher told me she was a little out of sorts because she was so excited. This is the first time we've ever been told she was out of sorts by her teacher.

So for the past few weeks I've been trying to figure out a way to keep our packing as minimal as possible. Since we need to hop on public transit to get to the hotel we are hoping to only take one real suitcase, a purse and bag for me and one backpack per kid.

In terms of entertaining the kids, I have loaded up a number of movies onto a couple of SD cards so that they can watch them with Sweet One's Innotab2. The fact that I can use an SD was one reason I chose it over its competitor. She got it from her grandparents for Christmas and I'm hoping it will save our sanity this trip. One problem in terms of trying to pack light is that the case I bought for it is rather large and would take up pretty much her whole backpack. So I searched and found this tutorial at So Sew Something! and figured that I could add a few pockets and padding to make it work for the Innotab2.

I'm using a 12" zipper and have cut my main pieces at 10" x 11". The smaller purple pieces are for the pockets and they are 2.75" x 6". The large purple pieces have a piece of fusible fleece attached to the back as do 2 of the 4 smaller purple pieces.

                                 

To make the pockets I took one piece with fleece and one without, put the right sides together and sewed around 3 sides. Then I flipped them right side out, turned in the bottom edges and sewed it up shut.

Then I eyeballed it and sewed one pocket on each piece of the lining fabric. (My thinking was that the pockets would be opposite each other and then hopefully the Innotab2 would sit in between them somewhat.)

From this point on I just did as the tutorial at So Sew Something! instructed and it came together very quickly.

It ended up a little wider than it needed to but it is not nearly as thick as the other case. Sweet One will love it because I made it out of her "absolutely favorite colors!" (Anyone else's kid in love with Charlie and Lola?) The pockets each hold two game cartridges and slide in very nicely. While we can't reach down into them to get the bottom cartridge, they slide out very easily by placing a finger at the bottom of the cartrdige and pushing it up and out.

 A few days ago I had actually made one other pouch with the same tutorial. Before putting it together, I basted on a piece of Insul-Bright to each of the outer fabric pieces. Then I continued on as the tutorial told me to and I now have a pouch that will keep some portable yogurt and cheese sticks cool since we'll be in the air for both lunch and supper!

In the end, if all my efforts to entertain the kids and keep them fed still leaves them with the urge to scream at the top of their lungs for much too long, I'll never have to see anybody on the plane again! And I've also heard that it goes a long way to buy the person in front of us a drink or snack pack if our kids are kicking their seats a bit too much.

A weird dream

Two mornings ago I was having a weird dream moments before the kids woke up. It's sort of stuck with me because I found it quite weird.

I was watching the news (which I never do anymore) and the station for the nearby larger center had a story about a group of homeless people who had created a beautiful and moving light display. I'm not exactly what it consisted of but I knew that my first reaction was that if it was supposed to be as inspiring as the coverage was saying then I absolutely had to go. When I got the kids napping I left. I went to the display. I didn't really care that I left my children at home alone because it was more important for me to see something that would provide me with a spiritual experience. When I arrived home, Big Love was back from work because I had been gone much longer than I imagined. I had no explanation. I was confused at why he was mad but the guilt hadn't started to set in yet.

Then I woke up.

Maybe she knows what lies ahead

Sweet One has been talking about moving a lot lately. We don't really talk to her about it so I'm not sure exactly why she is bringing it up so often.

"Mum, see that crack on the wall?"
"Yup."
"That means we have to move one day."
"I thought it meant I have to fix it."
"No. We have to move."

As I was snuggling with her just before she went to bed, she talked about taking the things in her room with her when we move. I told her we'd like to move one day because then it won't take so long to go and see her Grandmas and Grandpas and her cousins and all the rest of our family.

We have flights booked (thanks to our credit card rewards) to go to the in-laws in March. We'll fly out of the closest large airport (almost a two hour drive from here), fly to Washington and then to Seattle. That last leg is just under 6 hours. It is so far. We'll stay the night in Seattle and then we hop on a passenger ferry for just under 3 hours and end up in our destination. It is so long.

So each time that Sweet One mentions wanting to move I can not help but hope that it is a sign that the universe is working on it for us. That our hope of being somewhere new in the next 2 to 3 years will become our reality.