One more cup

My little espresso machine made one more cup of americano for me today. I had given up on it, save for a wasted bit of hope that the DeLonghi customer service might be able to help me get it up and running. I found a suggestion on an amazon review and with the help of my contractor (because he had the tools) I was able to get one more cup this morning. We'll see if I get many more but for now I'll enjoy what I have!

Bits

Looks like I need a new header! That snow was rarely around this winter and spring has taken over with a few record highs and so much sunshine (with just enough overcast to remind me how hard my brain is on overcast).

Little Man has moved to one nap a day. I was so looking forward to that and now I sort of miss the quieter days! I would sometimes post while he was napping and Sweet One was watching TV but those times are gone. And while I remind myself that I haven't put anything down in this place for awhile, I'm so tired by the time things are quiet that I haven't one inch of energy to put words together.

I didn't think we'd put Sweet One in preschool but over the past week we have decided to do so. Big Love got a new gig that will add to our income enough to afford it. She seems so ready to learn more, constantly asking questions and the other side of it is, I feel like we're butting heads a little more than I'd like and I think having her at preschool will give us a bit of a break from each other. In a very good way. I'll use some of that time to go grocery shopping with Little Man and do other things perhaps.

My friend was over with her kids today. And it felt so much easier to be around her. We didn't get into politics, but some of the things we talked about made me realize I really don't have to worry about voicing my opinion. It makes me happy.

Because of when Sweet One will be in preschool I don't think going to the mom's group I've been attending will work out. The thing is, we went about 6 weeks without a meeting and I didn't miss it. Then I missed the last meeting but I didn't really miss it. Maybe I'm just more sad that there isn't a different mom's group in this tiny town where I'd feel like I fit in better. I don't know. Just something I'm pondering.

Did I mention I'm tired? Still not sleeping more than 4 hours (and I'm lucky to get that!) in a row at night. Sometimes it's the kids but other times it's just me.

See. Not that much has been happening. Nothing too exciting. Oh, except for the discovery under my dining room carpet and hopefully I'll get around to throwing some pictures up in the next few days!

(And I have one more week before the in-laws arrive.)

Five days of single parenting

Last Thursday, Big Love took off for four nights to do his study leave. (He gets 2 weeks of study leave a year but only uses one because his budget barely covers that when used very carefully.) I stayed home with the kids. Alone. At first I was scared but then I ended up having some moments of feeling very proud of myself.

I found myself being patient for the day to pass by. How many times I've looked at the clock with dismay as I realize there another hour or two until Big Love gets home from work. But I didn't do that. After dropping Big Love off at the airport Thursday morning, we got home, the kids napped and then we took off to go for a special walk on a local bike path. Sweet One is doing amazing riding her bike.

Friday went well until it was 330 and we were getting Sweet One ready for her dance class. It was time to put ponytails in her hair and she lost it. Biggest. Tantrum. Ever. How does a three year old learn to slam doors? It was insane and I felt beat up from it for a long time. We got to dance class a few minutes late after walking with Sweet One riding her bike. I was the mother constantly getting after her to hurry up. Trying to impress that we were going to be late because of her behavior. She's too young for that, really, but I still tried. The door was closed when we got there and at first I let her think she might not get in. She was upset but then we knocked on the door and the teacher let us in and I was finally allowed to put ponytails in her hair! I don't remember how the rest of the day went. I just know the glass of wine once the kiddos were sleeping was a welcome visitor.

Saturday was a good day. Rainy and drizzly but good. Sweet One started telling me her mouth hurts but then I managed to help her figure out that it was actually her throat. We went to Sweet One's surrogate grandma's house for a visit where it became very apparent that Sweet One was a little out of sorts about her dad being gone. We made it through the rest of the day and enjoyed some chocolate cupcakes which brought  up her spirits. By the end of the day, I felt really good about how the day went and wasn't feeling completely wasted by the end of the day.

Sunday morning Sweet One woke up with a cold and Little Man woke up with another fever. The day was hard. Despite being continually medicate, Little Man's fever sat around 102 the entire day. He needed to be held A LOT. We played outside with our friends but Little Man just wasn't feeling well. Sweet One had her moments as well. By the end of the day, I felt wasted. I started hoping desperately for a decent night's sleep because I hadn't had any over the previous chunk of days.

Monday morning Sweet One was a little better but Little Man was not. We got through the morning and the naps before we loaded up the car to go and get Big Love. I had to do a few errands before picking him up and so we stopped at two big box store. There was a strong wind and when we got from the car to the store and Little Man was in a cart, he started shivering. I was worrying. At the second store, his head was so hot and he could barely sit up straight because he was so tired. I hated it. I felt like a terrible mother that I couldn't just keep him at home but luckily our shopping took less than an hour.

Sweet One yelled, "Daddy!" and ran to him the moment she saw him. When he sat down I started to relax. I no longer felt like it was all on me to care for the kids and that felt great. My kids are not accustomed to a parent being away at all and so it was hard. Had they not gotten sick, it would have been much easier.

Big Love didn't go to work the next day but I sure felt strange. After such an intense 5 days, my body was crashing. I'm now onto my third day of being sick and I'm hoping it won't last much longer. With two kids, I can't actually find any time to nap or rest during the day so it's hard to plug along. I would love to have a chunk of time to just be by myself but it isn't going to happen any time soon.

(And one little bitch. Big Love got to go to New York City two times on his study leave. Once upon a time my sister asked me if I wanted to go there with her and when I checked with him he seriously whined, "you'd go without me?" On his behalf, we were newly weds. But how times have changed! My bucket list has a visit to NYC on there. I've wanted to go for a very long time.)

People who have to single parent on a regular basis are my new heroes! My hope for every single parent would be that they have a support network so they can have a little time to themselves now and again.

Sunday is Little Man's 1st Birthday! I can't believe it is here so quickly. We're going to have some people over and I'm going to prepare a little bit of food (previously I've always prepared too much). It should be a nice afternoon. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and the kids can play outside because I can't imagine 7 kids and 10 adults in our house. It might get a little crazy!

Bring on a snowy day

Woke up to temperatures of 19F/-8C and brilliant sunshine. I absolutely love a winter day like today. It fills me up and I wish I could spend the whole day outside. I've read some blogs over the passed few days where cities have shut down from a snowstorm. Growing up in northwestern Canada, large amounts of snow are pretty much a regular occurrence and then living in the snow belt, well, 6" in a night is not uncommon. I can not imagine being in a town that is completely shut down because of snow.

The other day Sweet One was helping her Dad get the car ready so that they could go to storytime at the library. The more the snow piles up, the more this kid loves it! She is sad every time we have to bring her in from playing.

Today we stopped at Home Depot on our grocery trip and bought a child's size shovel for her. It is yellow and right now she is holding it while finishing up World Word. She is so excited to go and play. Just another moment where I'm happy $6.97 keeps her so happy! (Shovel was also made in the states, so that's an added bonus.)

On another boring note, I have recently ordered a work out DVD (one advertised on my prenatal work out DVD) and a new pair of shoes. It is time to deal with this body-loathing and get moving. 5 different half hour work outs should be easy enough to do.

One day I'll wish I could have these days back

It's hilarious how overwhelming moments can be and then they're so quickly gone.

Little Man has seemed to work his way out of screaming himself to sleep. I can say that it has made my life much easier because while I knew we needed to go through it, my entire body ached and sometimes trembled while I listened to him scream. For awhile I thought he might be getting confused when I'd hold him during the day for his naps and make him go to sleep on his own at night. I think I was right. Today is day three of having him go to sleep on his own during the day as well and it has made all the difference. Very little crying at all. I'm not sure if there was even a total of two minutes of crying for all three times I put him down! I miss holding him and watching him go to sleep. After feeling worn out from the day, it give me quiet time to breathe and relax that I didn't feel guilty for taking.

With the change in seasons coming I'm going through the kid's clothes. I can barely keep up with clothes for Little Man as he is already moving into 9 and 12 months clothes. Sweet One isn't growing out of her hers that quickly but there are some 24 mth clothes that are finally a little small on her. After all, she is almost 33 months now! I'm a little emotional as I pack up some of their clothes knowing that any child of mine will never again be this little.

Right now I'm trying to have a few minutes to write these thoughts out hoping to clear my mind a bit. The day goes by and it is one nap after another as Little Man's two naps are on either side off Sweet One's one. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by this as I do not have even five to ten minutes of kid-free time for myself. Big Love is a great help in the morning but really, I'm just trying to get myself functioning so he can get to work. After an interrupted night's sleep it isn't always easy. Today as I was telling him how draining it feels to have our days defined by naps, he said that it won't always be like this. I know there will be the day I wish I could have them both napping and playing right by my side.

"I need my mum-mum," I hear as Sweet One is obviously having a difficult moment. I'll go to her and hold her. Because one of these days I may only hear that over the phone, if I'm that lucky.

***
I walked into the bathroom. Sweet One was on one end of the room and Big Love was on the other. She didn't want him to do anything to help her get ready for bed. (Usually he does most of it because I've been taking care of Little Man.) She hadn't even let him put her lotion on and so as I made my way to the floor I started rubbing her back with her lotion. "That feels good!" she said with a smile that took over her entire face and planted a huge kiss on me. If that isn't enough to make this all worth it, I'm not sure what is.

Another day, a few more things figured out

A hot day full of absolutely nothing out of the ordinary, but a few things learned.

1. Although it won't get completed in one huge whirlwind as I'm used to, the garden will get planted and the beds will be cleaned up because a lot can be accomplished in fifteen minutes here and there. It is ok that I don't get it all done at once because right now it is more important to be able to move when I'm done and hold my little boy without a revolt from my muscles.
2. We've had three days in the 90'sF/30-31C and it seems that by the end of it, Sweet One is melting down just as I want to. It could be a very long summer and I'm already wanting to ram my head through a wall.
3. I don't like only getting 6.5 hours of sleep in a night. Especially when it's in 2 hour pockets here and there. But in the end, I can still make it to the end of the day without losing my mind and that's a good thing.
4. I don't have the fanciest espresso maker nor the most impressive grinder but in my world, I can make an iced Americano in the morning that I really enjoy. (And Sweet One keeps telling me "I need coffee" so I can actually get her drinking some milk when I put a small drop of the decaf espresso in a cup for her!)
   

Four

It's one of my favorite moments in the day and I've been lucky enough to have it every day since Big Love went back to work. Sweet One and I are lying on her bed with the lights out. She is gently snoring as she rubs up against my left side. Beside the bed is Little Man in his sleeper (the best $45 I've ever spent!). It is quiet while we all drift off to sleep. Eventually I will be roused from my sleep from Little Man's noises; this little guy can sometimes snore louder than his sister! When Sweet One wakes up, she looks over and rolls into me for a snuggle. Sometimes it is quick because she wants to get up and then there are times when it is a little bit extended so that I can enjoy snuggling with my little girl.

Call me Alexander

A few moments after Sweet One went down for a nap she had a dirty diaper and so I changed her and put her back in her bed but it took another twenty minutes for her to finally go to sleep. I was so tired and knew that the afternoon was turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon.

The alarm didn't go off because I set it for 1:55 am so I didn't get to have my latte and Sweet One only napped for 55 minutes after being up very early in the morning. This was turning out to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon.

We hopped in the car to do a few errands and as I was driving down the hill with two cars parked on my right side I heard a bang. I looked over and noticed that I no longer had a passenger rear view mirror so I did a u-turn and checked on the the vehicles but there were no marks on them and there was no mark on my car. This pregnant fog was making it even harder to have a good afternoon. I think I should move to Nova Scotia.

We drove to the dealership and they were closed. I'll have to go to on Monday. We went to the giant store and got the few things we needed. Sweet One was good for most of the time except when we were leaving because she didn't want to put her mittens back on. I told her it was cold. I told her the wind would make her hands very cold. She wouldn't listen. So she cried all the way to the car. This was continuing to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon!

I put Sweet One in the car and she cried for her mittens so I put them on. Then we drove about half a mile to stop at the nearest Tim Horton's because I needed coffee and I decided to get some Timbits for us. When we were pulling out of the drive thru I looked into my rear view mirror at Sweet One and realized that I had forgotten to finish buckling her in when she freaked out and wanted her mittens. I was beside myself. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad afternoon!

Sweet One enjoyed eating a few Timbits and we managed to get to Big Love's workplace without any more problems. When we got home things were a little better so I think I'll worry about moving to Nova Scotia another day.

Three moments of Sweet One's cuteness

We bought Sweet One the "Snacktime" album by the Barenaked Ladies. Her favorite track seems to be "Popcorn". It is about a minute long and she insists on listening to it over and over. She runs around in circles, clapping and making sure that Big Love is clapping along with her and that he is also running on the spot. "More Clap. More Feet." Then when the song is done she'll open the cabinet to the DVD player so that we can skip back to the beginning of the track!

***

She's really starting to enjoy music more these days. While watching her shows she will get up and dance when the music helps her get her groove on. Right before Christmas when I started listening to Kristen Chenoweth's and Sarah MacLaughlan's Christmas albums, she'd ask for more each time there was a pause between tracks. Now she asks for "more music" when we're in the car, smiles as soon as it starts and sings along when she wants. She almost always sings along when Kristen Chenoweth sings her high notes on the third volume of the Glee soundtracks!

***

I think this little girl likes tv as much as her Mama. If we tell her that she can't watch another one of her shows, she will ask for news. News is anything that we watch. She caught the last few minutes of the final episode of United States of Tara Season 2 today. Because she was quite sleepy from a nap that was much too short, she threw a fit when I told her 'news' was all done. She didn't realize that up next was going to be Elmo's Potty Time.

***

Despite my ineptness of describing just how cute these moments are, I'm sure they're better than listening to me complain about my sore back, potty training challenges and a lack of sleep!

And I forgot to mention that at all times while dancing to popcorn, Sweet One must have a bottle of eye glass cleaner in her hand. One blue, one purple.

The frozen purple balls of bliss

Now that my little netbook has arrived five days ahead of the estimated delivery date, I can type while Sweet One eats her blueberries. And truly! There is so much time in the day that seems to be dedicated to blueberries.

We give her lunch or supper and she eats just enough. It's as if she knows that there is a certain amount of room in her belly that must be saved for these little frozen purple balls of delight. With the main course finished, her eyes immediately light up as she points for the fridge and proclaims "dah!". I am done with this part of eating, Mama, please bring me the blueberries!

As I pour some onto her booster seat tray, she places her hand on the bottom of the bag. I think she is trying to figure out a way to dump all of them in front of her. Each and every blueberry that she sees is eaten with precision. Sometimes popped into her mouth with a little suck and sometimes placed into a very particular spot - how she decides if it is to be the left cheek or the right, the front or the back of her mouth I will never understand. And when one little blueberry falls into her chair, nevermind that it is with the food she has tried to hide there, she screams as if a human rights issue has been trampled on! Don't I know there are babies in africa who have never even heard of a blueberry! Must free the blueberry!

Perhaps tomorrow while she is eating her blueberries I'll finish War and Peace. But for now, there is a head being rested on my lap and it is time for me to play with this little person who is my bliss.

Wrinkled up old squash

A number of days ago, I can't even remember when it all started, I decided to roast a butternut squash to then mash up for Sweet One. It had been in the house for awhile and so I cut off the bad spots and threw it in the oven with the potatoes. (Right! Then it would have been Saturday.) When it was time to take Sweet One up for bath and bedtime, the squash was close but not quite so I decided to turn off the oven and let it finish up that way.

Fast forward to Monday. I was putting together Sweet One's cubes and it struck me that I had made her some squash but I didn't know where it ... ah shit, I bet it never got out of the oven. (The second thing to have such a fate in the past month or so.) I couldn't face it and so after swearing and Big Love asking what was up, I told him to look in the oven. He laughed.

Fast forward to today. Wednesday. Four days (well, that's not that bad) after it all started. I remembered to finally get the squash out of the oven and don't they look appetizing?!

I feel like the squash looks. Hopefully whatever is going on will finish soon.

Happy Thanksgiving

An hour long walk with the family and the rain coming down a bit; shootin' the shit; 3:00 I got the pie made and Big Love followed my step-by-step instructions to prepare the turkey at the same time; Sweet One and I just arrived home after a half hour walk in the glorious sunshine and upon our arrival home we were soaked in the smell of Chocolate Pecan Pie and turkey. So all in all it is a better day now than it began. Happy Thanksgiving!

I thought it was all figured out

When Sweet One was swimming around in my tummy, I spent a lot of time reading books and online trying to think of what I thought was the best way to do things. In my brain I had it all figured out. Her pacifier would not become a 'prop' and I would discontinue its use after 4 months. Small cloth diapers were sent to me from my cousin and I spent hours making a larger size. A large percentage of my energy during the third trimester was devoted to this because I was no longer allowed to exercise and I needed something to keep my mind off the negative possibilities of having my placenta completely blocking Sweet One's exit.

There are moments when being a mother is completely humbling because in the blink of an eye everything I thought I had figured out wasn't going to work. Take the pacifier for instance. This child loves, and I mean loves, her soother! Just this afternoon she was sitting on her blanket. The soother sat about two feet away and so she reached. Once she started going over too far she realized that she needed to slow down the imminent face-plant into the floor and so she put down her hands, opened her mouth as wide as she could and let her chin guide her towards the soother. She got it! At 7 months I have a daughter who has figured out what to do when she puts it in backwards and how to find it on the end of the bungee that is attached to the car seat strap. Oh well! If it keeps her happy, so be it.

Diapering has taken a different turn than I had expected, as well. She was so tiny in the beginning that even the newborn size were enormous on her. So we used disposables for quite some time. The diapers my cousin had given me never seemed to work for Sweet One and so we moved to gDiapers. As Sweet One grows there are a fewer number of refills in the packages which means the cost goes up and so I've recently purchased some prefold diapers. I'll see if these work and if they do I'll be both happy and frustrated. I spent a few hundred dollars on supplies for making diapers and countless hours at the sewing machine putting them together. If I really like how the prefolds work, they're good until 30 pounds thus making the time and money spent on the others completely unnecessary! (Now the next task is to figure out which type of laundry detergent to use. woo hoo.)

"Children make a liar out of you quickly." That's what my friend, a woman who has two children only a few years younger than myself, told me when I was first starting to realize that many of my plans were a waste of time. Yes, I do get completely bored with the mundane thoughts that run around my head each day pretending to have some significance (really, two posts now that seem interesting at first but then not so much after they're published). There are days when I feel the only thing different from the day before is the color and consistency of her poop. At times I feel like I have no idea of what I'm doing and just when I'm ready to cry Sweet One smiles, tries to eat my chin or squeals with delight. She may make me rethink everything but there are things that show me what is really important. This beautiful daughter of mine. Life is good, even if it is very lonely at times.

***

Day 5 is going alright. I have constantly remind myself to put things away sooner than later but having some motivation is helping.

And all because I split my pants

My daughter has been in her crib for nearly half an hour. It's pretty damn cute how she talks to herself, drops her soother on the floor and then smiles as I'm crawling under her crib to retrieve it. (Must remember to vacuum under there.) Three nights ago we stopped swaddling because I was afraid of her being smothered as she had just started rolling onto her stomach. The first night she did laps around her bassinet for an hour, trying to find a comfortable position and ending up on her stomach with her bum up in the air. One night it got quiet all of a sudden and so I went to investigate. There she was with two legs out of the crib and the most satisfactory look on her face! We haven't had any moments where she screams non-stop because I haven't rocked her to sleep and so I think we'll be ok.

As I sat down to nurse Sweet One around 9:15 this morning, I heard a noise. I stood up, grabbed my ass and realized that I had split yet another pair of pajamas. I had two pair of lightweight pajama pants and then I had none. (Neither pair were wripped from being too small, just old.) This problem combined with my underwear needing to be replaced after pregnancy stretched them(anyone know any good ones that won't make sausage links out of my hips?) brought about a spontaneous decision to drive up to the nearest larger center so I could do some shopping. I got most of what I needed but was quite surprised to find that neither Old Navi nor G_p had any shorts on sale. Hardly a pair in their stores to be found at all! I enjoyed a free tall decaf americano which also had a coupon for me to get a cold grande beverage after 2pm - two lovely coffees for only $2.12! Bullseye was shopped at - can't believe I never shopped there for the first year or so that I was in the area! Love it. A wee bit of grocery shopping also got accomplished. Sweet One was an angel but really, that was no surprise.

There was one surprise waiting for me when I got home: a clean load of laundry and the upstairs floors vacuumed (except for under Sweet One's crib)! I never expected splitting my pants would have such a positive result.