This morning I get a failing grade at being a mother of two. Between not getting much sleep at night, a toddler who doesn't understand how to use a 'quiet voice', constantly needing to get Little Man to nap - well, I'm losing my patience more than I should be. Mostly it is directed at Sweet One and she doesn't deserve that.
Our low point this morning was when twenty minutes in to trying to get Little Man sleeping, he just wasn't getting into that deep sleep state. Sweet One came close to him and started talking loudly. Again, I desperately told her to not talk so close to him but she looked at me like I was talking greek. She continued to talk so I took her arm and moved her into the next room. She stumbled and grabbed her arm. Did I accidentally pinched her? Probably not, but I've never been rough with her before. She started screaming and so I put her in time out where she continued to cry. Feeling completely guilty for losing my patience, I joined her in time out and gave her a hug while I apologized for being mad and tried to explain to her how Little Man needs quiet to fall asleep. Then she went into the living room and after I started crying she came back to hug me profusely until she thought I was a little better. I tried to get myself together. But I don't really think I did.
I don't feel like I'm ever going to find a balance where I feel like I'm giving Sweet One enough attention, managing Little Man's nap schedule and trying to find some time to rest myself. Perhaps this will change when Little Man's schedule is more predictable and I'm getting more sleep at night. For now, it seems like it is going to be exhaustion coupled with a desperation not to take out my frustration on Sweet One. Then perhaps I'll have a regular meltdown now and again!
(I guess not everything that leaves a major impression on me during these early days is a positive one.)