Our church is doing a new directory and so with that comes family portraits. Today we had our appointment and I left, holding onto a flood of tears for when I was back in the safety of my own home. I don't know what it is with what I see. Leaving the house, I looked in the mirror and thought everything was fine. (I am reminded of the movie Julie and Julia when Julia Child and her sister say something along the lines of 'good but not great' when they are finished preparing for a special dinner.)
The picture taking experience itself wasn't the greatest. Sweet One decided to see just how many times she could say, "No!" in the twenty minutes or so that we had. Luckily, we got some good shots of her. Little Man started getting cranky just when it was his turn for solo shots and so we only got a decent one of him. (Good, not great, once again.)
We sat down with our photographer and looked at the pictures on the computer deciding what we'd like to purchase. I barely recognized myself in the pictures. The rest of my family looked just how they look to me, but I had proportions all over the place that I didn't realize were there. I don't know if it was the angle or the fact that I was worrying about the kids more than I should have been .... but I hated what I saw. And now I'm miserable.
On top of it, these pictures were ridiculously priced and despite our photographers best attempts to get us as many pictures for as little of a price, I'm not fully happy with what we spent money on. If the pictures of Sweet One hadn't been so good I probably wouldn't have spent a penny. But as it is, we bought 4 - 3x5 of the family portrait to give to family as well as a proof set. (Still $75!) I'm embarrassed to think family will have these pictures for many years. Perhaps we need to one day splurge on a really good, professional photographer.
I don't know why I see something so much different in the mirror. Perhaps who I am and what I see in the mirror is more connected than I'd like it to be. I don't know how to fix this. But I do know that if I want to raise a daughter who is confident and happy with how she looks I'd better figure something out - quick.