Tuesday, November 29, 2011

I don't want to keep up .... and yet

I've been struggling a little bit with things over the past few days. Unfortunately, it may be all whine because I think at the base of it all is my sleep deprivation caused by the inability to get Little Man to sleep for more than five hours at a time during the night. Coupled with an unexpected part of potty training being middle of the night calls from the room next door of "I have to pee", I'm starting to fall apart a wee bit. I've tried for quite some time to not let the lack of sleep get to me and have focused on getting through the day without any real downtime by myself (save some time first thing in the morning when Big Love takes the kids so I can try and scrape the crust from my eyes).

But it is our finances that get to me. We live on a modest salary and for the most part I am proud of how I've been able to make that work for us. (I know damn well that we are better off than many but for some reason I am still frustrated.) Ever since Little Man has been with us it has been harder to stay within our budget and I don't really understand why. With one car, no cell phones, mostly cloth diapering and maybe going to a fast food restaurant once a month, I just don't know where it goes. Then my brain starts to move into a place where I fear that if we ever had to do with less we'd be screwed and I become afraid that our situation will never improve. That I will always be counting every penny we spend, trying to keep our monthly spending within our means and never being able to save any money for anything! (The ability to save enough for airfare to visit our family is a bit of a joke right now.)

What gets me on top of this is envy. I am so envious of people who don't have to worry about things as much - or at least give the outwardly appearance that they don't. I get jealous of the gifts my brother in law sends to my house for me to then ship to him for my sister's Christmas present. They are beautiful and, in my world, very expensive. By the time he pays for the shipping he will have spent on this one gift, as much as I will spend on all three members of my family combined for Christmas. I hate being jealous! It's stupid! I would never dare to wish for something that costs more than $100 if it would only be used by me. There's just no point because we can't afford it.

The cry in my head goes out that THIS IS ALL STUPID! I have a healthy family, a roof over my head, food on my plate, all our bills are paid and I still can't be fully happy. I really don't want big expensive things. The Jones' don't really matter to me. I only want it to be a little easier to save a few nickels at the end of the month. To feel like we are getting ahead and that one day we'll be able to retire and not become a financial burden on our children. I know that the small amount we spend at Christmas on our family is a good lesson to teach them - that it is not about draining the bank accounts. There are children near us that do not get anything and I want to be able to give to them as well.

My stupid brain. How I desperately wish I could have a few nights of decent sleep. I know that would help. I can't even seem to get them if I pray and beg for them. I will try to be happy with what I have. Maybe one day I'll get there.

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