I went to bed with Sweet One beside me and Little Man in his pack n play while Big Love sleeps next door because the kids are having such a hard time with being away from home for so long and I just couldn't sleep. My mind slowed down and I just started to cry. My heart hurts so much because I really thought that after some emotional distance we'd be able to sort of start our relationship over, at least the one when I was an adult. But we can't and it breaks my heart every time I think of it.
For years we struggled to be able to talk to one another. We seemed to only be able to hurt one another. I don't really know how I made you feel, and I'm only starting to get a picture of what your personal struggles might have been. And i couldn't let that happen to me. I tried to talk to you in so many ways but you never seemed to listen. In those attempts I was never trying to criticize, I was only trying to scream "please listen to me".
And then one day it felt like to much and I had to stop my hurt the only way I knew how. So I stopped letting you into my emotional space. After I was able to work through some of it with a counselor, and none of it was easy, I became less angry. I would not have been able to be a mom if I had not let go of this anger. I can only guess how it made you incredibly sad when you didn't get to be actively a part of my kids' lives. I'm sorry for that. I truly was not trying to punish you but to protect myself from what I was afraid might only be more struggles in our relationship. I shared pictures with you so that you could see them grow because I didn't want to keep you completely out. I wanted to bring the kids back to the hometown so that you could see them but we just never had the money for it. I can't tell you how many times I looked at the ticket prices hoping that something might miraculously enable me to afford it. I know you offered your Airmiles on a few occasions but I couldn't take something like that from you after not speaking with you for a few years. It didn't seem fair.
I guess I just don't know what was or is really fair in all of this. Perhaps none of it is. All I know now is that my heart hurts so excruciatingly much and I miss my Dad. I miss the hope I had for being able to fix our relationship and letting you see my kids. I heard so much of an amazing man who gave so much to others but I feel like something prevented me from knowing that man.
I'm running short of words but I'm sure there will be more letters to you. I hope you hear them. Someone told me that when we speak of those who are no longer with us that they can hear every word. I so desperately hope you hear these and know what is in my heart now.
A few days after Grandpa died I felt his presence as I watched his children talking with one another. Could you come and visit me? Could you please help me put my heart at ease so I know you are ok and that you know I miss you and I love you? Please watch over my kids for me. Be their guardian angel and help them when I can't.