Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Today was going alright. I was actually happy about how I was feeling after a few days of being unable to shake off some anxiety and depression. We spent a chunk of the morning in health care facilities - Little Man needed a blood test to check on his iron levels (no more anemia!) and then we had his 15 month appointment where he was diagnosed with the start of an ear infection (which explains a lot of his behavior change over the preceding 24 hour). Both kids are also dealing with allergies. Yay.

The afternoon came and Sweet One bit her brother. Again. We seem to be in a regression after a very long time of her not doing it. When the hell will I ever learn to stop getting my hopes up?! I'm not handling it well. I yelled. A lot. "YOU CAN NOT BITE YOUR BROTHER! YOU HAVE TO STOP BITING YOUR BROTHER!"  Desperately trying to scare her a bit so she'd realize how bad it is to bite her brother. He has marks on his face and his arm. I really don't know what the fukk to do at this point. I've felt like I was at my wits end before about things like this and then relief came. But relief has been hard to come by since I yelled. It's almost 8 hours later and I still feel gross. I have no forgiveness for myself. I know damn well that yelling at her doesn't really help but in the midst of it I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to motivate her to stop, perhaps "scare some sense" into her. But really I'm sickened that I remind myself of my father and then I remember what used to happen to me when I'd make him that angry. I didn't take my belt off and lash her bare bottom multiple times leaving welts and a humiliated, screaming child in my wake. Because my anger is my responsibility and no matter what she does, nothing will ever give me the excuse to do that to her. I have to be better. I don't feel like I am. Having as much anger inside of me as I did today scares me. It feels awful. Dark and thick. I still feel sick.

I want to go to sleep, actually sleep through the night for once, and wake up to a new day "with no mistakes in it yet." Please, God. Could you just answer this one and help me stop her from biting her brother? Could you please show me how to deal with this without screaming at her? She doesn't deserve that. She deserves a better mother.


  1. Oh my goodness ((hugs))

    The fact that you are this upset with yourself is an indication that you are NOT your father.

    that you understand that taking off your belt and leaving welts behind is not the answer is an indication that you are NOT YOUR FATHER.

    She deserves a mother exactly like she has, one who is full of faults and doesn't know what to do next, but loves her so unconditionally that she is beside herself trying to figure out how to help her. You're in a tough spot. And one without answers right now. But hang on, this too shall pass. I can't tell you when, or how, but it will.

    ((more hugs))

    1. Thank you. So much. We're making some progress one day at a time as we both figure it out. I've also managed to get some sleep the past two nights which was needed more than anything!


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