I don't really have words right now, just a giant lump in my chest that sometimes makes me cry. I'm just sad. My father and I had a difficult relationship. For years I hoped he'd hear what I was saying but he never did and after more than ten years of feeling that way, I had to cut myself off to protect myself and my children from his anger. But that does not at all mean I wasn't hopeful that there would one day be a reconciliation. That day will not come.
After being pronounced brain dead at 11:55 AM yesterday, he was finally taken off life support some time today. We were hoping some organs could be donated. The only one that might have been was his heart. I hate the idea that he took his last breath without a family member by his side. I hate the idea that I just don't know if his spirit was still with his body at that point or if it had already moved on. I hate that I haven't had a very strong conviction in my own Christian faith over the past while and so I am not finding huge comfort in what I believe 'should' be happening right now.
I hope the parts of my Dad that were good shine and watch over my children as a guardian angel. I hope the parts of him that I struggled with have been shed and that God has taken then all away. I hope my Dad knows what is in my heart - that despite what my actions may have been telling him, I still loved him.
My heart aches. I don't know how to process this. We booked our flight for Monday and then it felt too far away so we switched it to Sunday (thank you for WestJet who has a good bereavement policy to enable switches like this to happen up to 2 hours before a flight leaves with no charge, and also only charges a regular fare rather than the inflated last minute prices).
So I guess I have some words. But I need some that will comfort me and I can't find any right now. "Mom, don't cry about your Dad." Those don't really help, but they are my little girl not wanting me to be sad.