Friday, July 27, 2012

I don't really have words right now, just a giant lump in my chest that sometimes makes me cry. I'm just sad. My father and I had a difficult relationship. For years I hoped he'd hear what I was saying but he never did and after more than ten years of feeling that way, I had to cut myself off to protect myself and my children from his anger. But that does not at all mean I wasn't hopeful that there would one day be a reconciliation. That day will not come.

After being pronounced brain dead at 11:55 AM yesterday, he was finally taken off life support some time today. We were hoping some organs could be donated. The only one that might have been was his heart. I hate the idea that he took his last breath without a family member by his side. I hate the idea that I just don't know if his spirit was still with his body at that point or if it had already moved on. I hate that I haven't had a very strong conviction in my own Christian faith over the past while and so I am not finding huge comfort in what I believe 'should' be happening right now.

I hope the parts of my Dad that were good shine and watch over my children as a guardian angel. I hope the parts of him that I struggled with have been shed and that God has taken then all away. I hope my Dad knows what is in my heart - that despite what my actions may have been telling him, I still loved him.

My heart aches. I don't know how to process this. We booked our flight for Monday and then it felt too far away so we switched it to Sunday (thank you for WestJet who has a good bereavement policy to enable switches like this to happen up to 2 hours before a flight leaves with no charge, and also only charges a regular fare rather than the inflated last minute prices).

So I guess I have some words. But I need some that will comfort me and I can't find any right now. "Mom, don't cry about your Dad." Those don't really help, but they are my little girl not wanting me to be sad.


  1. My thoughts are with you in this difficult time. I'm wishing you peace and clarity.

  2. I'm so sorry.(hug) May God give you and your family His peace.


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