She'll climb the highest mountain .. or 14 stairs

I've been painting my bathroom in any time that is available over the past two days. It's a nice way to save a bit of money on the reno and since Big Love's schedule has calmed down a bit, he is able to stay with Sweet One while I tackle this project.

Last night Sweet One had me up three or four times. She'd cry and then as soon as I'd enter the room she would immediately lie back down and go to sleep. It's a little nuts. I think she's experiencing a little separation anxiety because she is not used to be kept from me for even a few hours straight during the day. Not once, not twice but three times Sweet One has climbed the stairs, unbeknownst to Big Love, to come and find me. I find it utterly sweet that she is so determined to find me! And then when I'm done work for the day, she holds onto me as tightly as she can.

So despite being exhausted from her night wakings, Sweet One is making it up to me by showing me just how much she adores her mama. (I'll remind her of it in 13 years from now when she's trying to tell me how much she hates me!)

I hope everyone out there has a Merry Christmas.

SOKC - A Sleepy One Kid Christmas

For the most part, I don't mind living away from my family. I don't even mind having a quiet Christmas with just the three of us here. Making our own traditions, not having to plan our day around everyone else's schedule - a quiet day or two where we spend time together. Christmas always felt very stressful for me and, quite honestly, depressing prior to having Big Love in my life. This is why I am content here with our family and his church schedule. But there is always one day prior to Christmas Eve and Day that I do wish it was easier to see my family at this time of year. And today, it seems like it is the day.

I haven't put our tree up yet because I don't want to spend every moment chasing after Sweet One and trying to catch the tree as she pulls it over. Our mantel and tv storage thing is decorated.

In the perfect world which I imagine in my head, I want to have another child who is about 2 years younger than Sweet One. Right now I see a problem with that. The idea of ever having a second child right now is the most terrifying thing in the world. We have been working SO hard over the past two months to get Sweet One sleeping better and it doesn't feel like we're getting anywhere. It is getting harder and harder to be productive in my days when I am this exhausted. It doesn't feel like it will ever get any better and the idea of being pregnant again and doing this all over makes me want to jump off the roof of my house. I know many parents out there have problems with children and sleep. It is crazy how it can become all consuming in a day.

I think we have one of those phone systems that can only send calls and not receive them.

Sweet One loves to drink water out of my glass. She giggles just before she is about to drink and then after. It is so cute. There are moments like this that make the lack of sleep worth it. Thank God. Otherwise I think I'd jump off the roof of my house.

in the parking lot of a grocery store

I had just taken my keys from Sweet One so that I could get her into the car. A few screams of "Dammit, mama, I want those keys", me trying to reason and offer her my purse instead and within a moment or two she was fine. Another young mother with a son in tow smiled at me as she walked towards her vehicle which was parked next to mine (funny how when I passed her twice in the aisles she made sure she didn't look my way). The he said, "Hey Trouble". To which she answered, "Me? Trouble?". I looked behind me and there was a guy about our age in a car talking to her. I didn't continue to listen in as I wanted to get home so I could get Big Love's Birthday dinner cooking. But then a few minutes later I heard this:

Her: You need to use some birth control, [dude].

Him: It doesn't work!

Her: Well, maybe you need to turn it off.

Him: My Grandmother thinks the same thing.

I had to get a bit better view of who she was talking to and with this conversation in my head, I had a mild reminder of Cleetus and his crew. An older large sedan that had this guy talking and easily five children in it with him. He drove away, she turned around and looked at me as she said, "That was the nicest way I could say that." All I could do was laugh out loud. I'm still laughing about it!

Now as I try to get the blueberry out of my hair that I found just now, so kindly placed by Sweet One, I will get off the computer and go and have Birthday Cake with Big Love. It's nothing fancy but the icing (frosting is the term used this side of the border) recipe I found here is freakin' awesome - and simple to make!

So Happy 29th Birthday my love. Thank you for being the man you are. You love Sweet One and I patiently and completely. You take care of me at moments when I'm not sure you'd be able to. You are my rock and my best friend - and a wonderful father to our little girl. We are both very fortunate to have you in our lives. Here's to another 29 years ... at least.

Goodbye, my little friend

My cat died yesterday. It was quite scary for me because it happened unexpectedly. Sweet One was napping and I sat on the couch. He walked on my lap and then I decided to get up and wrap some presents. I was sitting on the living room floor and within minutes I heard him fall off the back of the couch and when I rushed over to him he was making strange sounds and not responding to me calling his name. I kept calling his name, over and over, hoping he'd wake up. (Thankfully Sweet One chose this afternoon to have a decent nap so she was sleeping while I was freaking out.)(Also, our contractor had gone to get supplies so that was nice, too!) Amidst my flood of tears I called the vet and they said I needed to bring him in. I was terrified to touch him. I called Big Love at a restaurant he was at for his staff Christmas lunch and he got home as soon as he could, wrapped him up and put him in the carrier so I could take him to the vet. I said goodbye to him and he looked very peaceful. Gave him a few kisses on the head and petted him. Thanked him for being such a good little friend to me over the years. (When Sweet One woke up she said "dat" a few times and has been looking around for him.) The vet said it was probably a heart thing that happens to older cats and they can't detect with the stethoscope, only an autopsy. We had been anticipating not too much more time with him as his kidneys had started to fail but I did not expect it to happen at home. The day before I bought treats for his Christmas stocking. I am thankful that he didn't suffer at all.

I knew it would be hard to lose my little companion but I never imagined it would be as hard as it is. LM Montgomery spoke of her cats in her journals and many of her stories had cats who played very important roles for the heroines. There was a time in my life where that did not make sense to me as I've never been a cat person. I considered myself only a "my cat" person. His little spirit was so affectionate and quirky enchanted me. I loved my little cat and he was a kindred spirit of mine on four legs. He was with me, often crawled up on my chest, stomach or legs, through some very dark and lonely times. I've had him around for 8 years. And I still expect him to crawl up on my lap as I sit here and type.

A cooling thought

Our fridge came with the house and we have no idea how old it is. It does look like it is easily within the last 10 years but other than that, no clue. Once in awhile it would make a weird sound here and there which sounded something like ice cubes being dropped but this morning my husband mentioned that it was making more noises. The new noise is somewhat of a grinding one that seems chronic. And just when we're having our bathroom redone. I only hope that the fridge is not about to quit on us. Luckily, it is cool enough that I could possibly put the food outside on the back step for awhile to keep until we win the lottery!

Why I walk

Why is it that a child sleeping or not has complete control over everything in my day? We've had a rough month and a half but progress was being made ... slowly. Two steps forward, one step back. I feel like we're on the step back right now and the overwhelming frustration and fear at being dragged back to a week ago when she woke me up every two hours permeates everything. It was that Monday night where at exactly 4:40am I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down and cried for twenty minutes, desperately wondering why my efforts at helping Sweet One learn to sleep better were not working. I cried as hard as she does when she is fighting sleep. Then we had one night with major improvement and following that, two blissful nights where she slept 7 hours straight. The last couple of nights have not been as good. Nor have the days of napping. Today she had another half hour nap and I woke up from my own nap utterly frustrated. Angry that she won't seem to nap better; scared that I'll never get her napping properly; pissed off that no matter how hard I try to help her sleep better nothing seems to work; worried about how the next two weeks will go when the contractor is back working on our bathroom that is barely 12 feet away from her door. When all of these emotions come together I do everything I can not to take it out on her but sometimes I look at her and want to pretend for just a few hours that she is not there and that this little person who is not even 17 pounds yet (at 11 months) doesn't make me feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

And so we will go for a walk. Some days we go for two walks. During a walk I don't have to have patience with anything else than my mind. Sweet One will sit and look around, completely content. Sometimes if she is tired enough I won't try to stop her from falling asleep. The snow is falling lightly and the insulation chamber I bought to put around the stroller seems to be helping keep her warm. Walking is the only thing I know to do so that I do not lose my sanity and luckily, the fresh air is good for both of us. In the next little bit we will go for our afternoon walk. And probably almost every other afternoon that follows, weather permitting. Because deep down I know, from hearing other stories, that eventually this too shall pass and putting one foot in front of the other gives me some comfort that I'll get there eventually.