And so we will go for a walk. Some days we go for two walks. During a walk I don't have to have patience with anything else than my mind. Sweet One will sit and look around, completely content. Sometimes if she is tired enough I won't try to stop her from falling asleep. The snow is falling lightly and the insulation chamber I bought to put around the stroller seems to be helping keep her warm. Walking is the only thing I know to do so that I do not lose my sanity and luckily, the fresh air is good for both of us. In the next little bit we will go for our afternoon walk. And probably almost every other afternoon that follows, weather permitting. Because deep down I know, from hearing other stories, that eventually this too shall pass and putting one foot in front of the other gives me some comfort that I'll get there eventually.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Why I walk
Why is it that a child sleeping or not has complete control over everything in my day? We've had a rough month and a half but progress was being made ... slowly. Two steps forward, one step back. I feel like we're on the step back right now and the overwhelming frustration and fear at being dragged back to a week ago when she woke me up every two hours permeates everything. It was that Monday night where at exactly 4:40am I couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down and cried for twenty minutes, desperately wondering why my efforts at helping Sweet One learn to sleep better were not working. I cried as hard as she does when she is fighting sleep. Then we had one night with major improvement and following that, two blissful nights where she slept 7 hours straight. The last couple of nights have not been as good. Nor have the days of napping. Today she had another half hour nap and I woke up from my own nap utterly frustrated. Angry that she won't seem to nap better; scared that I'll never get her napping properly; pissed off that no matter how hard I try to help her sleep better nothing seems to work; worried about how the next two weeks will go when the contractor is back working on our bathroom that is barely 12 feet away from her door. When all of these emotions come together I do everything I can not to take it out on her but sometimes I look at her and want to pretend for just a few hours that she is not there and that this little person who is not even 17 pounds yet (at 11 months) doesn't make me feel like the most horrible mother in the world.