Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Right here and now

It's 7:30 am and I am hiding out in my bedroom. I'm very rarely awake this early but I haven't been able to fall asleep since Sweet One woke up at 6:30. Luckily for me, Big Love gets up with her in the mornings due to the sleep difficulties I have brought on my hormonal changes. Rather than going downstairs and joining them I'm hiding out in my nice warm bed and taking some time f0r myself before I gather my energy and face the day. Over the past couple days I've felt very unstable and by the time Sweet One is going down for her nap I am on the verge of tears. I'm not exactly sure why but I think it is hormones and all the crap that seems to be going through my head.

One of the ways I deal with big changes is to try and figure out as much as I can ahead of time. Lately, I have been starting ta o think of Sweet One's move to a big girl bed and moving her entire room to a slightly larger one. We have three bedrooms upstairs with one being a studio/office. I slash an office because I had hopes that I would be teaching voice lessons in the studio and so we used the second largest room for that. At this point its use as a studio has been limited and so now the best use for it will be a bedroom for Sweet One and her sibling. Especially good will be the fact that this room is a little cooler in the summer because it is does not have west facing windows. Sweet One's actual transition into this room is what worries me because I've never done something like that. I know in the end that it will work out and that once we are in the midst of it all will be what it is, but that seems to be something on my mind in preparation for the new little one.

Tomorrow we will hop into the car and take Big Love to a nearby city so that he can do some professional development. Nothing huge and exciting, just sitting in on some church choir rehearsals, going to the symphony and another concert as well as attending a church service. This will be Big Love's chance to recharge and do things that he desperately needs at this point to take care of himself. It will be the first time I am on my own for a few days with Sweet One and while it isn't really that long I am not sure how I am going to do it. The weather may not be great and when we are cooped up in the house all day long I struggle to find ways to entertain her in a productive manner. I think the kid has inherited my love of tv watching and if I'd let her, I think she'd watch all day long! My struggle here is that I feel like a shitty mom when I let her watch too much tv because I lack the ability to keep her stimulated.

As I write all this down I feel like a bonehead. Things have felt very overwhelming lately and I do know that it is my pregnancy hormones causing the disturbance. I was sick for almost two weeks and am now trying to get my sinuses to finish up whatever they want to do. While I was sick I didn't have as much time to rest as I would have like because I spent all my spare time, and the very little energy that I had, trying to get a skirt made for my niece's skating this year. I did get it done although I'm not sure if I have recovered from the trauma of trying to fit 400 inches of tulle on a very small skirt! Now I move on to the skating dress and I am working with the 4way stretch of polyester and lycra for the first time. It is a steep learning curve and within the first few steps I was saying how great it was that I got my new machine after I attempted this the last time!

Our ultrasound is tomorrow. I am eager to see this little one and hopefully feel more excited about the pregnancy, but I am equally eager to see if my placenta is going to do the same thing that it did last time. Just knowing where it is will give me some idea of what kind of decisions that I will have to make. If it is not blocking the baby's exit, I may be able to choose a VBAC which scares the crap out of me because with my old doctor there was never going to be that option - and I am still sad that she is no longer my doctor. If I will have a recurrence of placenta previa I look forward to eventually being taken off exercise. I also have not decided if I want to be put with one of the other doctor's in the office as I am not completely sure how comfortable I am with the new one they placed me with.

It's nearing 8:00 and after typing all this out I feel like I'll be able to take on today without being too afraid of what my nervous system might put ahead of me. I sometimes wonder why I keep this blog going but I guess I have realized that it is only for myself and the catharsis I can experience as I look at what is going on in a different way. Right here and now my struggles are not a large as what many other people have in front of them but they are still mine and I need to figure them out.

Perhaps this morning I am also avoiding getting out of bed and seeing how this country voted. For the last two election I have been afraid that decisions will be made out of irrational thought brought on my fear.

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