It was getting to the point that I just wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold things together much longer. After a long time of no time without my kids nearby my anxiety levels were too high, I was moody and I just felt completely depleted. There wasn't much left of me anymore.
Luckily, the discount theater that is about a 13 minute walk from my house was playing The Descendants at a perfect time for me to go yesterday afternoon. I was only a little sad to give up a beautiful afternoon with record highs because I needed this time so much.
I'd never been to our discount theaters before because the schedule never worked out but I'm glad it did this time. For the first two blocks I ran through a list of things I should have told Big Love - where his hat was, how to strap him into the new wagon, don't forget the sunscreen. (For a brief moment I thought of running back home to tell him!) Then I stopped. There was no point. Big Love may not think of everything the way I do but he figures it out his own way. I spent the last chunk of my walk breathing and enjoying the sun. I got to the theater and I was the only paying customer for The Descendants. The theater barely held 100 people in 7 rows and the screen was only about a third of the size of newer theaters but I loved it.
As I walked back out into the sunshine I felt like a new woman. When I was a block from home I saw Big Love pulling the kids in their new wagon that arrived the day before. Little Man wasn't strapped in tight enough (Big Love didn't realize the crotch strap was there), nor did he have a hat on in the bright sun but he was happy looking around from his new perch. Sweet One was excited as she jumped out of the wagon and hugged me then continued to run ahead of us.
Part of me is surprised how different I feel today, while the other part is just reminded of how important it is for me to get some time alone that has nothing to do with being a mom. I used to go to movies a couple times a month but have only been to one since Little Man was born two weeks short of one year ago.
I hope this is enough to get me through being a single mom for a few days!