Saturday, March 31, 2012


A quote from this post has been working on me. I only started reading this blog a few weeks ago hoping to find some creative inspiration. But after reading it this morning, I feel like I have shed a little light on where I am stuck right now and can now has a little more compassion for myself and to, hopefully, work through it.
"Most women I know have only one conscious priority: making it through the day. This is a direct result of having been torn in a thousand different directions in any one twenty four hour period ... but acknowledging, recognizing and reordering our priorities so they can give purpose to our days is a deeply personal task that we all must do..."

My children are keeping me alive these days. I wake up solely because they need me to care for them. I eat and prepare meals because they need to eat. I enjoy the outdoors because they need the fresh air. (So do I. It does wonders for all of us.) I'm back here in this place I equally hate and dread. The dark cloud is nagging at me, exhausting me. If I had more energy I might be pissed off about it but I'm just sad. (Fukking dysthymia.) I have nothing for anyone anything unless they rely on me for their daily survival. At the end of the day, all I can do is lie on the couch and watch some of my favorite shows before it is time for bed.

Perhaps this is all amplified by Big Love's absence and having sick kids to care for during that time, or maybe it is because I have been completely wiped out by my own sinus cold/cough/sore throat. I haven't felt this sick in a very long time. I haven't exercised in over a week because I've been trying to rest as much as I can in the morning.

Thank God for my kids. For so many reasons. At this exact moment I am thankful for the look on Little Man's face as he figures out how to walk. Such pride and elation! Sweet One is constantly amazing me by finding new pathways into her world of imagination. I don't think I'd smile or laugh each day if it weren't for all of these magical moments the kids show me. And that is how they are keeping me alive.

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