Friday, May 22, 2009

5:00 am

SO started waking me up at before 5:00. I kept replacing the soother but she wouldn't go back to sleep. Usually I will bring her into bed with us at 6:00 hoping she'll sleep more and I was a little reluctant to bring her in earlier just in case that would then be the norm. After Big Love's (that man I get to wake up next to every morning!) suggestion, I pulled her out only to realize that she had freed one arm and leg from the miracle blanket. She fell back asleep until 6:00 or so.

I was not so lucky. I was awake with too much going on in my brain. The year leading up to my pregnancy I did some major work. I was angry all the time and I didn't know why. A friend led me to an excellent counsellor and I was caught off guard when she helped me find the source. A priest once told me that people become angry so they don't have to be sad; being sad is much harder because then you have to face what is making you sad. What popped up as the source of all my anger shocked me. It was something from my childhood that I tried to ignore. I had hid the damage for so many years but it was time. Release the hounds! I guess I was brought to this little town, not working with lots of time on my hands, because I would not have had the energy to deal with this otherwise. It was hard, exhausting, overwhelming .... you name it ... but holy shit was life better after.

As I lay in bed this morning I realized that in my attempt to protect SO from what I experienced I have been thinking about it all again too much. The anger is returning and it is scaring me. I won't go back there. Luckily, I'm assuming, it won't take as long to get on top of this because I'm starting from such a different place than 2 years ago.

This is the one, and hopefully only, 5:00am I will be thankful for!

(I also spent a lot of time smelling my hair as I tossed and turned last night - that bugged me. This constant reminder of what I did to it and what I'd look like in the mirror! Good lord, I'm a clown.)

1 comment:

  1. Sleep deprivation is hard and continues on with babies. I hope you nap when she does. You need that!

    When I had counseling, I was told that anger covers up pain and sadness.

    Take care of you, too.


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