Friday, February 5, 2010

Screening for One

Sometimes when I am most anxious about something it means that I need to deal with it. To simply take the step forward and get it accomplished. Today I did just that.

I love going to the movies. In Sweet One's first two months of she and I went to four movies but as she got older it was obviously harder for me to do that. It took awhile but I finally started going to them by myself - if the movie schedule coincided with when Sweet One was napping - and it was great to get out on my own. I often get too wrapped up inside my own head and seeing movies has always been helpful in giving me a much needed escape.

Today Big Love told me I was going to a movie. I hadn't been for a few weeks because the schedules of those I wanted to see weren't the greatest for me getting Sweet One down for her nap. In these same last few weeks Sweet One has not been nursing during the day and so I was using this as an excuse. I looked at Big love and told him that he'd need to put Sweet One down for her nap. I got one of his calm, reassuring looks and a, "that will probably be good for me" which left me with no excuses. I was nervous to leave Big Love to get her down for her nap. I've been doing it for so long and I didn't want her to scream at him ... blah, blah, blah. Ridiculous! I've been needing some time to myself for awhile and I felt guilty for doing just that. Now that I'm not nursing as much I need to let go a bit and let Big Love figure out things for himself with Sweet One. This whole motherly guilt thing sucks ass and I think it is stupid even though I let it consume me more often than not.

I left the house with a slightly queasy stomach. I felt teary as I was buying my ticket and as I sat down in the empty theater but that had more to do with feeling lonely than with guilt. Then there was a moment of "he's probably putting her down right now" and then I stopped. I was completely alone in this theater on a Friday afternoon. For about $6 I had a private screening! I let the mindless movie entertain me and my popcorn fill my jiggly pooch.

When I got home I was told that they survived. We all did and we're probably all the better for it. Now if I can just find some way to get Sweet One to nap more than 45 minutes things will be even better!

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