Wednesday, April 21, 2010

On a day like today....

... I wear a tshirt that has stains on it: A few from before and a few more from my daughter's smoothie. But I keep wearing it because it is so damn soft and comfortable.
... everything feels more unmanageable than it is: the porch that will be sanded down on Friday so it can be repainted and repaired, the rooms that need to be cleaned and prepped for my mother and stepfather's visit, the small daily tasks, the yard and garden work - can I actually get this stuff done without something exploding?
... everything feels different: I find it hard to change my expectations to work more with what is here and now as opposed to what once was
... I feel like the crappiest mother in the world: despite Sweet One's frequent outbursts of frustration, there were so many moments of sheer happiness that I couldn't enjoy as much as I would like to
... I am terrified of the future: will we be able to eventually move somewhere and still own a house in a good area without being completely 'house poor'? will I really be able to handle getting pregnant again and having another child when I feel like I can barely function right now?

And despite being completely manageable on most days, on a day like today these things feel huge and suffocating all because my sleeping was completely fukked last night: 1am-3am and 4am-9am (with a short wake up while Big Love got up with Sweet One). Seriously - does God have it in for me? I feel like I get my ass kicked every time I have a night like that.

But then Sweet One turns her face to me as I give her her teething tablet and then reaches her chin up close for a big kiss. Luckily, I give her two tablets so I get two of these wonderful kisses. And then I know that all I need to do is breathe, take one thing at a time and these all will pass.

1 comment:

  1. Hang in there. Those days really suck.

    Hope tomorrow is better for you!


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