In order for Big Love and I to move to this place so that he could start his career in church music, I gave up a short career in voice instruction and professional singing. I had only been out of school for a few years and I was just starting to figure out what it might take to be able to do more of it. After making the decision to move I truly believe that there would be opportunities for me here. I didn't think that I would be giving up everything. I whole-heartedly believed that coming here had purpose for me. At this point in time I do not know what that purpose is.
I spend my days with Sweet One. Playing with her and doing everything else a SAHM does. I would not trade the moments of watching her learn new things for anything. I want to be at home with her now. But that doesn't mean I haven't had my moments of fear and frustration lately. I am afraid that the longer I stay at home the further I get to ever having a career; I am frustrated that I am even further away from knowing what it is that I am meant to do. I say meant to do because there is a part of me that believes there is something out there that will give meaning to my life and enable me to feel like I am fulfilling my true potential. I have never wanted to spend my entire adult life being a SAHM and I know that should that be all I do I will not be happy.
Perhaps in five or ten years down the road I will look back at my time in this town as a place where we could own our first home and get some debt paid off. With the low cost of living here I am able to stay at home with Sweet One and still have a few small luxuries here and there. (It's also been a place that has taught me, hard and quick, how to live within our means!) For now I will try to focus on that second part of life - who it is I want to be there with me.
This has been on my mind for awhile and I've been struggling lately and so I thought putting it out there might help me sort it out a bit. This post is a bit of a scattered mess and I apologize for that.