Monday, December 6, 2010

Pink sticky goo all over the place

There is nothing worse than trying to give liquid amoxicillin to a toddler who doesn't in any want to swallow a single drop. Our first dose was easy and my guess is because she felt like shit and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But each time I've had to give it to her since has gotten worse and worse. The flailing, the spitting, the gagging and the screaming. I feel like the worst mom in the world; by the time we were done the dinnertime dose today I was crying and wanted to curl up in my own fetal position and hide in the corner. I don't know what we're going to do and I hope that if we can't get her to get drink it disguised in juice tomorrow morning that I will need to call the doctor's office again to ask if there is a chewable kind.

What I find hardest about this is that it feels like this illustrates how I've been feeling for awhile now. With her ear infection causing her to need me so much, the disrupted sleep (ever since the damn time change) and no time to myself I feel completely incapable of finding myself in a healthy mental state. I am constantly apologizing to the little Bean that is growing inside of me because I feel guilty for giving him/her such a fukked up Mama to grow inside. I can't help feeling that it is unfair for Sweet One to have had what seems to me a much healthier Mama to grow in.

Fortunately, about two minutes after the medicine gong show ended, Sweet One was resting on me and snuggling as if I was on the only one in the world she loved. If I could only forgive myself as quickly then maybe I'd be able to see better days on the other side of this goo that is clouding my vision.

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