Monday, February 27, 2012

Some people's fathers!

It's not that often I get a thorough update about what's been going on from my sister, but yesterday's left me with a gnawing feeling in my stomach that I can't seem to shake.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before but my sister opened a cupcake/coffee/tea shop just over a year ago. My dad works in home renovation and is often waiting for things to dry and so he spends a lot of time sitting in the shop. Unfortunately, it seems that his presence there is starting to cause her to lose business.

A young boy, about 12 years old, was there with some friends. He couldn't decided what he wanted so he said that he'd like two cupcakes. The kid is 'playfully' smacked on the arm and told, "No, you don't want two cupcakes. You need a sandwich to go with that." My father proceeded to badger this kid until he ordered a sandwich exactly as my father had told him to. After the kid receives his food he realizes that there is no room to sit, as it was lunchtime. He is quickly grabbed and forced to sit down at the table with my father where he proceeded to not eat the food he ordered because he was too uncomfortable.

Later my sister received a phone call from the mother because she was concerned there was a sexual predator hanging out and badgering children at the shop. The staff remembered all of this and were shocked that my father DID NOT KNOW THE KID AT ALL! Not one fukking bit! She profusely apologized, explaining that my father is lacking in social skills and while he is harmless it is frustrating. She offered a free lunch or to mail a gift card in case she isn't there when he returns. The mother thanked her but said her son will probably never step foot in there again.

This is the second time my father has been asked to stop bothering customers. She says that he disappears for awhile, probably pouting, and then returns later on as if he hasn't learned a damn thing. "You just don't touch other people's kids! You'd think he would have learned when he damn near got his nose broken!" The nearly broken nose was a story I hadn't heard.

There was a hockey game going on. In the small town I grew up in, hockey games are a big thing. A huge portion of the community usually ends up there. Something happened that made my father grab a kid. I guess my father picked the wrong kid to mess with this time as his father wasn't too pleased when he heard what had happened. My father was punched in the face five times. It was rough. My brother was officiating at the hockey game. It was the talk of the town for a long time. Charges were almost made by the kid's family. This situation should have never happened. My father needs to get over himself and back the fukk away. Leave other people alone! (Also, why a 30 something guy thought it was appropriate to punch a 60 year old, I don't know.) Such a mess.

Sometimes I wonder how me and my siblings survived being raised by my father as well as he did. I feel sorry for him. He is lonely, doesn't have a functional relationship in his life and doesn't do a thing to make his life better. My niece and nephew don't want to spend time with him and only do when they have to. When your children have to 'explain' your behavior to strangers ... I don't know. I'm finally at a loss for words about it. To quote my sister, "Yeah ... it was rough. Harder to see him afterwards, tho. Everything about him is rough, sad."

And this is a man who once upon a time was the pastor of a congregation. What seminary wouldn't weed out its applicants a little better! He can't even function in his own life, never mind fulfilling the roles of a pastor!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Huh? It's Oscar Night?

One of my favorite things to do is go to a matinee by myself. Some may find it pathetic, but I loved going and, more often than not, having the theater almost to myself. I would go at least once a month for awhile but since Little Man has been born I've only gone once.

We used to go through three or four movies a month. Now I'm lucky if I can get one movie.

I have no clue what's going on for the Oscars. I just googled "Oscars Nominees 2012" and that is the only reason I know anything. And really, I don't know anything because I have no clue about most of the movies up for awards. I added them all to my netflix list. As if I'll get to them any time soon!

I'm hoping that once Little Man is down to one nap a day I can go see a movie a little more regularly. I miss having that time for myself.

I haven't had any time for myself in 2.5 weeks.

Instead of watching the Oscars, I'm going to watch a movie. We've had 50/50 sitting on our shelf for at least two weeks, if not three.

Two kids is sure a lot different than one. Good thing I don't want three!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Movies and Gingernale

I'm sitting here on the couch for the second morning in a row watching a movie with a sick little girl. She's got a stomach bug that, luckily, does not have her sick all over the place but rather constantly feeling like she is going to be sick. She seems to have a little more spirit in her than yesterday but she's still hardly moving, eating or drinking. It's all I can do to get her to drink some "ginger-nale" or water. She did drink a little bit of Pedialyte. It's ok if it expired at the beginning of the month, right?

On another note, I've finally given in and am signing up for Pinterest. I've heard of it being used to find crafts for kids, help in meal planning and other fun things. Hopefully I'll be able to not let it suck too many mindless minutes from my day! Now if only I could figure out a decent username that isn't already in use! I hate usernames.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Castaway shoe

A few days ago my living room looked like a toddler beauty pageant puked all over my floor. My sister had sent a few boxes for Sweet One that contained princess dress up dresses. My daughter was so excited! Some are much too big and can be saved for a year or two down the road but there are a couple that she can enjoy now. One purple dress looks very close to Tangled's dress (because she doesn't call her Rapunzel, she calls her Tangled) and I didn't think I'd get it off of her that day.

Hiding as if it were a castaway was a lone sparkly shoe. Size 11. Sweet One wears around a 7.5 right now. I thought perhaps it got into the box by accident and was being missed by my niece. Not the case. What makes me for the last few days is that rather than requesting to wear the beautiful princess dresses, you can find my strange little girl excited to wear her pajamas all day along with this one shoe. She even asks if she can wear her shoe when we go out!
I'm not sure if this shoe will ever have its mate... unless, of course, a young man on a horse brings it to her.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

If that aint love...

Yesterday morning was a typical morning. After I fed Little Man, Big Love took him from me and changed his insanely wet diaper. He'd already been tending to Sweet One since she woke up around 6:30 and so he was much more functional than I was. I could already tell it was going to be a beautiful day because the sun was already shining! I did a few morning things and then went to do my little workout. (Good lord I couldn't get through the express 1st trimester workout very well. Frustrating.) It probably ends up taking a little more than half an hour by the time I've gotten dressed and then added a few more stretches, but usually I'm done by around 815. Then I hit the shower and get dressed. During all this time, Big Love has fed Little Man his breakfast and Sweet One has been entertained. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Dance, Daddy, Dance!" as her Tangled music plays over and over. Around 845 or so Big Love brings up Little Man (then again, a lot of times the kids have made it upstairs at some point during my work out or shower) and gives him a diaper change. Once I'm done, I feed the kid and get him napping.

A little out of the ordinary was time for sledding. The sun was shining and the kids didn't get outside at all on Sunday so Big Love asked me if I had a show I could watch on the DVR and proceeded to take Sweet One outside to play. I enjoyed Pan Am (what is with showing shows out of sequence? Seriously!), had a little quiet and considered doing the dishes just as the two returned from sledding.

Once all of the winter wear was off Big Love had to kill some time because his socks were wet and Little Man, still asleep in our room, couldn't be disturbed. So Big Love took care of the dishes.

Later on in the day I noticed two stick pins on top of the mantel. My guess is that Big Love found them on the floor, remnants of my sewing gong show, and put them up there so that the kids wouldn't be injured.

This was humbling to me. While I'm not trying to nag or make him feel like, I rarely miss an opportunity to point mistakes like this out to him, making sure they don't happen again. I'm not rude or anything, I just mention it. If he's not being stern enough with Sweet One, I'll let him know. He didn't wash one dish that was on the counter with all the other dishes? I'll point it out. Reminding him that it's annoying and could he refrain from doing that again.

Thinking of this got me to thinking that rarely does Big Love ever point out my weaknesses. I've never been criticized by him unless I've asked for it. He'd stand up to me if it was something really important but for the most part, he'll just let it roll off his back.

I'm a lucky SAHM. No, we're not rich but a flexible schedule does make it easier for me to get some things done. Big Love is happy to take the kids for their first two hours so that I can take care of myself. Since I started working out around 3 weeks ago, Big Love confirmed my suspicion that I snap at him less (although he wouldn't have mentioned it had I not brought it up). I didn't get flowers when our kids were cut out of me and I don't get showered in presents nor taken to restaurants for dinner. (I did want the flowers, but the latter two I'm fine without.) What I do have is a husband who is always willing to do things around the house and play with his kids so that I can have a little bit of time to take care of myself. He drops everything once he walks in the door and plays with the kids. No big romantic gestures, but each day he tries to do small things around the house so that I don't have to.

Happy Valentine's Day, Big Love! You know those things I still manage to complain about? The ones that really don't matter? I'm gonna try to stop. That's your present (after you eat all the cupcakes we made for you)!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A very uncomfortable tight spot

It only took me a week to get back to the project I had started last week. I had some time today to give this a try today and it was an epic fail. I couldn't get my head through the hole and even if I had, I wouldn't have been able to get the rest of the shirt past my chest. It was all too tight. I think I need a different material. While I was using a knit, it didn't stretch in enough areas.

I always get my hopes up about projects like this. I want to be able to make nice things for myself but so far it has never really turned out - except for a few dresses. Why can I make nice things for Sweet One when I suck so bad at getting things to fit me?

So I'm standing there, stuck in a shirt, half naked and Big Love thinks it's cute so he has a smile on his. I felt horrible. Sad that my attempt to add something nice to my lack-of-wardrobe failed, my hopes crushed and thus killing any confidence I had thought I might gain from a successful project, vulnerable because I'm half naked with my muffin top hanging over and my husband is laughing. I also hate that it means $15 went to nothing.

Maybe I should go and shovel some snow.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

A rant

One thing that really gets my blood boiling is when I read that a school district is doing absolutely nothing to protect the civil rights of their LGBT population. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. I have ridiculous anxieties - I can honestly say I worry that one day my children may fall victim to bullies. I don't know how I would deal with it when it makes my heart break to hear of other children - and I don't even know them! - experiencing it. It makes me want to take my children and put them back where they came from! (I wonder how much rag magazine would pay for pictures of the woman who was pregnant for 18 years with the same child?)

I don't really give a flying fukk if people think homosexuality is wrong or not. (I don't think it is wrong.) Society will probably never stop arguing about this but I do hope that we can stop attacking and hurting people because of it. It is not our job to judge one another but it is our duty as humans to love and respect one another and to treat each other with dignity, regardless of our sexual orientation, race or gender. Why is this so hard to do? Why are children killing themselves because of stupid people out there who believe it is ok to terrorize them for being who they are? Why are parents teaching their children that it is ok to do this to their peers? (I am watching Tangled with my daughter and Rapunzel just shouted "Find your humanity!" Seems appropriate.)

You will probably never find a beautifully worded treatise when it comes to my stance on things. I'm too emotional. I can not remember everything I've read and there is no file in my brain that I can search for quotations when I need them. How I feel about these things comes from my gut. I live in a very conservative area and sometimes I find it stifling. (The friends I have would probably shut off and start praying for me if they knew I believed things as I have just expressed!) Sometimes I just want to scream. But for now, I will leave it at this.

Friday, February 10, 2012

I just fell in love with this song!

And then I went to see if he had a new album and, from what I can see, it's only a single right now. I love buying albums. In their cases with the liner notes. It's already starting to make me feel 'old'! But if I just call it Old School then I'm kinda cool.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

How stupid am I? I spend 4.5 days worrying over nothing. Because today I got an email. And it's all good. Good lord I'm a moron sometimes!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Not as strong as I used to be

I've been trying to get some more exercise in my day, even if it is just a 30 minute DVD workout. I remember feeling so strong and 'in shape' when I was pregnant from working out on a regular basis. The exercises in this DVD sure had me sweating and pushing my muscles quite hard. I've been feeling SO out of shape and frustrated with things lately that I thought I wouldn't be able to handle more than the 2nd trimester workout.

Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't get as crazy sweaty as I did when I was pregnant but the exercises did push my muscles to their current max. I did the 2nd trimester express workout and when I was actually in my 2nd trimester, I needed to do the full workout to really push myself. Oh well, hopefully I'll recover some of my strength back soon! I'll give the 1st trimester one a go and see how it is!

Funny thing - I feel less like a dork doing prenatal workouts than I did doing a "Dancer's Body Workout". I can not explain how ridiculous I felt doing that one!

****Warning! Emotional purge ahead!****
I sometimes wonder how much of my frustration with my body is mirrored in a bit of a rough patch emotionally. I'm struggling with feeling like I really don't fit in here. Once again I'm feeling some rejection. At the mom's group I go to last week we had a longer than normal time for our discussion groups. The presentation of the day was about addiction and we ended up having a lot of quiet moments where our 'leader' wasn't doing anything to get us talking and no one else was speaking up. (Even just general gabbing.) Long, awkward silences. I don't well with these and so I will often pipe up and later on feel like a complete idiot for doing so. My friend, who is also in this group, said that I didn't make an ass of myself but I still feel like I did four day later. I had sent a FB message to a woman in my group asking if she wanted to meet with the kids at some point and go for a walk. (She had previously mentioned she has a great hill for sledding and asked if I'd be interested in coming over. I thought "Great! A new friend!") Any other time I've sent her a message I've gotten a response within in the same day but I've heard nothing and it's making me feel like shit. Aren't we supposed to be more confident in who we are the older we get? I'm so sick of feeling like this!

Sunday, February 5, 2012

False start

I don't watch the Super Bowl. I've tried to watch it for the commercials but I just haven't been able to get an entire one watched since I moved here. So tonight I decided not to bother and I spent a chunk of the day psyching myself up to give this a try. I bought the material Thursday when the kids and I needed somewhere to go because the weather wasn't very hospitable for playing outside. I didn't think I'd get to it this quickly but figured if I had the material on hand it might help.

It doesn't matter how simple a project is, if I've never tried something like it before I always second guess myself for WAY too long before I attempt it. But then I realized that I would need something to do this evening and so I thought of doing this tutorial because I have a new lug bag/purse that isn't huge but big enough for basic diaper changing and a few toys as well as my wallet, etc, but it does seem to get a little cluttered. I rifled through my leftover material this afternoon but didn't have what I needed. (I think I'll go and buy myself a couple fat quarters.)

Rather than making a quick run to the fabric store (which is in the middle of renovations and will be twice the size as it used to be!) I went for a walk with the family this afternoon. It was fun because Sweet One seems to be recovering from her cold, albeit not without the 'crashes' here and there, and she was very adventurous. So cute to watch. While we were on our walk I started thinking about whether or not I could attempt the shirt.

I continued to think about it as I was making supper and then giving Little Man his bath. I decided to just do it. As with most things like this, once I get started I'm good. I was wearing a shirt that was fairly comfortable and a similar material so I thought it would be a good starting point.

I finished reading Sweet One her bedtime stories (yes, I'm still the only one who does it) and got to work right away. Sewing machine set up and threaded? Check. Material laid out on the floor? Check. Madonna kicking ass with the half time show? Check. Shirt placed on material? Stop. I had been wearing my 'pattern' all day and it was stretched out without much shape left to it. I figure that if I were to use it in the state that it is, the new shirt would end up not being as good as it could. Shit.

Frustrating because how often do I actually try to do something for myself?! Oh well. I'm leaving the sewing machine out which will help to motivate me and I need to do laundry tomorrow, anyway.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Day 11 is here

Today is day 11 and Sweet One is sick with a cold so she never got to go with me to the mom's group. I can honestly say that I felt a huge amount of relief when I realized she'd be staying home. I also feel guilty for feeling this way. I'll still be nervous about her going again in two weeks but the idea of having a longer stretch of no biting before she goes back gives me some confidence that maybe she'll make it through the 2.5 hours.

Big Love and the kids had a good morning together and as a mother who rarely leaves both kids at home with their dad, it is good for me to do this and return to a house filled with happy kids and a husband who still has a full head of hair!