Big Love and I still firmly believe that we are where we need to be. To own a house, for me to stay at home with Sweet One and to get as far out of debt as we can (a light I can actually see at the end of its tunnel). But despite all of that and the momentary feelings of peace I have in our decision it does not make me feel any less guilty about what it means for Sweet One. It means she can't play with her cousins and that right now there are no babies or young kids for her to spend time with. She enjoyed being around her cousins so much and gave enormous smiles to a baby she saw on the plane. It made my heart break for her. Her lack of companions means that I don't have friends and that by far is the hardest thing about living here. Sometimes it just makes me angry.
I hope in a few days I will feel better. Right now I feel completely deflated. I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to do anything. I feel completely stupid and useless because I am struggling to find a way to get Sweet One back onto local time. Prior to and during our vacation she would be asleep before 7, sleep until I woke her at 10:00 and then sleep until 6 or so. Now I can have her asleep before 7 but she wakes up and doesn't get back to sleep until around 10:00. I'm trying something I read which is to put her to bed half an hour earlier each night. Last night it was 9:50 and so tonight may be around 9:30. One thing is clear, the sleep she'd have from 6:30/7-10:00 was definitely important for my own self-care.