Saturday, September 5, 2009

Starting one place and ending up somewhere different.

Within the first six months or so of moving to this town it became evident that 'fitting in' wasn't going to be easy. When it came to meeting other women who might be considered my peers, they were already in firmly established social groups and despite their outward actions of welcome it was obvious that there is no room for anyone new. Three years and counting has not helped me feel like I am going to feel all that at home here in this little town, which is ok for now.

I am loving the book Rockabye by Rebecca Woolf. I seriously can not get enough of her and thank god she has two blogs out there that I can read until my heart's content! I know it is probably quite cliche to say that there are moments in her book where I feel like she is writing about what I'm experiencing, but it is true. I completely relate to her agony of trying to meet new friends so that her son, Archer, can have kids to play with. The guilt I feel that I do not have any playmates for Sweet One is sometimes palatable. (She seems content so maybe my guilt over this is mostly my own sadness that I haven't made any friends my own age!) I've been getting through her book quickly because I want to soak up every word of it. I'm no book critic but I adore how beautifully she has told her story in a completely honest way.

And if her story isn't enough to read about finding a way to be an individual while being a mother - because really, the world of motherhood sure has a lot of expectations of what one should and shouldn't do - I go to see Julie & Julia yesterday. A young woman turning 30 who wasn't where she thought she'd be brilliantly, and with great originality, makes her reality what she wants it to be. Is the universe telling me something? Problem is, I simply do not know how to go about figuring it out for myself.

As if often the case, I'm typing this post thinking it will be about one thing and it is turning out to be something as things pop up in this melon of mine. What I'm realizing right now is that at this point I am afraid that once Sweet One does not need me at home with her that I will not have anything for myself. I want to find a way to leave my mark on this world. I'm not wanting to be famous or anything like that but I do so desperately want to feel like I have contributed to this world in a way that is true to myself. I know that being a mother is important and that being at home with Sweet One is where I need to be now. I do not want to be a SAHM for the rest of my life. Eventually I'm going to have to figure out what I want to do with my life! I'm not one to find brilliant original ideas. Usually I see what others are doing and then try to do my own version. This seems to lack personal motivation and confidence more than I would like it to.

For now I think this post needs to end here. Not quite finished but it has gone as far as it can for now. I hope it has more to it in 5 or 10 years from now. Luckily, I have the amazing husband who will support anything I want to do, just like Julie & Julia did. So maybe there is hope and I will find 'what I'm meant to be'.

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