I adore my children. Each day is about taking care of them. Pretty much every minute. In the end I know that I trust my instincts but these days I can not help but second guess myself with everything.
Over the past five years I have slowly let go of everything that has given me a sense of self. Of my search for meaning in my own life. I let go of singing when we first came to this town and found great meaning in practicing yoga. It helped me heal wounds that had been festering for years. Yoga enabled me to begin, in a very small sense, a spiritual journey which I had always wanted to find but never knew where to begin. I never really understood that it could be Within.
But I stopped going to yoga classes after Sweet One was born. The timing of the classes never lined up with her nursing schedule and for the longest time I was the only one who could get her sleeping. I tried to use DVDs and CD practices as often as I could but it was never as much as I liked. While I was pregnant with Little Man I did yoga regularly but it was always more about physical rather than spiritual survival.
When I went to my 6 week check up my doctor was worried about me having postpartum depression. Maybe I'm a little worried about it, too. But I think it is more rooted in the fact that that I feel afraid of not being able to get back to the self-care and self-discovery that I was able to for awhile. Before I was a mom.
I love being a mom. There are moments when I find great riches in watching my children grow. Sweet One has began expressing herself in ways I never imagined. It is beautiful. She already shows such a capacity to love as she smothers her little brother with kisses. Then there is her intelligence. Learning the ABC's so quickly and being able to identify the letters by sight (both upper and lower case). But what astonishes me the most is how she keeps us on our toes. Just this evening she managed to finish her popsicle and then switch out her empty stick with the half eaten one Big Love was holding - and she did it so quickly and smoothly that Big Love didn't even know what was happening. A huge cheer for herself having finished the green popsicle as she started on the remainder of Big Love's red one. My words pale in adequately describing just how funny this moment was. We let her keep the extra popsicle because it was just too cute the way she outwitted her dad. It is moments like these that I know this is where I am supposed to be.
I know that eventually I will have to balance this all out with time for myself. I will be no good to anyone if I constantly give without replenishing. I just don't know how I will ever get there and it scares the shit out of me. The map looks as scattered as this post; I have a vague idea of where I'm trying to go and what I'm trying to say but having given everything I have to everyone else today I'm left depleted.
I need to find a way to nurture my spiritual self before I disappear.