Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Rethinking the space

I got a call from the locally owned furniture store where we ordered Sweet One's new mate's bed from telling me that it was here and they could deliver it. I wasn't quite sure what to say because it was weeks earlier than I had expected and the two rooms need to be switched out. Yes, I had gotten the curtains done but was somewhat stalling on everything else.

When we first decided to move here, I fully believed that if I selflessly gave up the small career in teaching and performing I had started and enabled Big Love to take the position at the church, things would fall into place for me and I would be able to do something fulfilling career-wise. While looking for our house I made sure we had three bedrooms instead of two so that one could be made into a studio for me. "If you build it, they will come" being in the back of my mind; if I only had a room to teach students then eventually I would have some. I chose a lavender color that helped to "inspire imagination in children" and was excited for the possibilities. Students coming for lessons and me finding the motivation to do my own practicing in the special room I had created.

I did have one student for almost two years with two others for two weeks. That short amount of time I could teach each week gave me something of my own and I cherished the time despite the challenges of working with a stubborn teenage girl! Unfortunately, she did not return to me this fall and I've had no other interest for lessons.

As the arrival of Sweet One's bed is giving me a bit of a push to get the rooms moved, I am thinking of how I am going to best use the space. The studio is actually a little larger than her current room and it will have enough room for two kids. This also means that I will have less space for everything we've stashed in the closets and on bookshelves.

I've come to the realization that perhaps I need to pack up my music books. I am not exactly happy about this because it feels like I am giving up the last inkling of hope I have for students to come. Over the past couple of years I have been learning to accept the fact that I am a SAHM. Packing up these books furthers this effort. I am not burning my books nor am I giving them away. I desperately hope that one day I will have a career whether it require the opening of these boxes or be something completely different, I have no idea what is ahead of me. But for now, I think I am ready to further accept where I am right now and what is important to focus on. Remembering that there can always be unexpected things around the corner.

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