Monday, June 7, 2010


On page 679, the New Oxford American Dictionary defines fuckwit as: vulgar slang a stupid or contemptible person (often used as a general term of abuse). I have used this many times for myself. While I was singing in choirs, both professional and amateur, I would often scrawl a FW in places that I kept messing up and really shouldn't be. 9 times out of 10, once those letters were there I never made the mistake again.

I hate soothers (binkies, pacifiers) and yet Sweet One loves them as much as she loves her blueberries. When I was struggling with her not sleeping through the night 7 or 8 months ago, I had to wean her from soothers at nap and bedtime and it broke my heart a little to hear her scream so hard. But three days later, things began to improve and her sleeping has only gotten better since then. A week or so ago she was so tired at naptime that I after I put her in her crib, she reached up with a smile and pointed to the lightswitch as if to say, "this is just where I need to be. Now flick off that light and I'm going to sleep!"

With teething and grandparents visiting over the past month, the soother's presence has been more frequent than I'd like during the day. There are some days when it feels like a complete battle to distract her enough so that she won't want it. Just over a week ago the weather was so damn hot that I gave her a sippy cup with water in her bed. I felt like it would be awful not to, considering the fact that I need to drink water in the middle of the night when it is that hot.

Now it is all starting over again. She doesn't want to go to sleep without her sippy cup. She'll wake up a few hours after going to sleep at night, not calming down again until I have given her a sippy cup. I was telling myself this was ok as long as it wasn't the soother. Yesterday she woke up from a nap much too early and as soon as she saw it on the shelf, she screamed for the soother. Once it was in her mouth she went back to sleep for much longer than I expected. Again today, an hour after going to sleep she got the soother. I am perfecting the art of self-flagellation.

I am beyond frustrated with myself for getting back to the point where she can not soothe herself. I do not want to go through the weaning again but I will have to. Two days with a soother at midnap point and I am pissed. How could I not see the need for a giant FW above this error? (She has almost completed a second hour of napping, which she never used to do. At the most it was 1h45.)

So tonight I'll have to start over again, not allowing the sippy cup to get into her crib. But what happens when it is so hot again? I am tired and frustrating and trying very hard not to think of this as a huge problem.

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