Saturday, January 2, 2010

Today I said to God: "You're an asshole"

It has been three months now of Sweet One not sleeping through the night and not napping. In fact, the naps seem to be getting shorter lately! I'm desperate every night I rock Sweet One before putting her in her crib (drowsy, but awake) and I beg for God to help all my efforts to get us to where I need us to be. Sweet One is tired all day long and she looks it. I'm beaten up by this and barely holding on. I feel completely isolated in this with no real hope of improvement ever coming. I don't ask for much. But this one thing I'm so desperate for the universe to serve up on a golden platter for me. My frustration and exasperation with this is clouding everything I do all day long. Our bathroom is near completion and I can't put together the energy to blog about that when it is by far more exciting. The snow has not stopped falling for a few days and as I was out doing the second shift in shoveling this afternoon I was standing in beautiful, fluffy snow up to my knees. (I can't wait until Sweet One considers that wonderful!) But all of this is moot. Each day I wake up only to try to get through another day with both of us exhausted. This morning after she had a half hour nap I ended up lying on her floor crying. I don't feel like I can handle this anymore and I am doing absolutely everything in my power and knowledge to try to fix this. It doesn't work. I can't seem to make it work. And so for a little while longer I'm going to think God is an asshole for not helping me out here. It's easier than being angry at Sweet One.

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