Friday, August 28, 2009

It's kinda stupid, but it is how the gears work from time to time

I'm coming up on the 'end date' of my 30 days to fix a bad habit and I have to admit that for the first two weeks it was primarily the idea of rewarding myself with this beautiful lug puddle jumper (or this one) that kept me going. My house is not spotless but it is less of a gong show from day to day. I am happy about that. I set a goal and it was done.

Here is where my brain starts to act funny and not make any sense to my husband. In my world: I keep track of every penny we spend to make sure we stay within our means, the majority of the things I buy are necessities, I feel guilty every time I buy clothes even though my body has been morphing constantly over the past year and very little fits. But once in awhile I think maybe I can get something that I do not in fact need. I just want it because it's pretty and it would be fun to have.

So for the past few days I've been proud of accomplishing my goal and excited about the idea of having this lovely reward. But really, to spend that much on a bag seems extravagant when I have a completely functional diaper bag that works just fine. Do I really need this extravagance? Only once have I ever spent that kind of money on something like this. The milk factory requires that I need new tops for the new season approaching. It would be better to spend the money on that. In the end, the idea of actually buying something like this for myself seems absurd and ridiculous. I don't deserve it. The guilt is lying like dead weight on my shoulders (even though we have a little extra this month.) So we'll see. Will I for once actually think I'm worth a splurge or will my common sense and guilt win? (Strangely enough, my sister was about to buy me one for my birthday and I said I was fine with my diaper bag, but then I saw hers this summer and was very envious. I love the messenger bag she got me but it's not big enough for a diaper bag/food and a change of clothes for me when Sweet One and I go on our first trip solo.)

I'm ridiculous, I know. Big Love has no clue why I worry so much about something like this. I just do. For days on end! I seem to think that everyone in my house is deserving of special things here and there except for me.

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