Sweet One was quietly falling asleep last night as I read in bed. Not something I had been able to enjoy since she was born with her in our room! I came across this passage as if it were an absolute truth for me.
"To Harry it seemed the Barrens had relaxed. One day something relaxed inside and I saw things in a new way. The words came from an old book about an old botanist, and he felt the truth of them as they left behind frozen lakes and entered a land of flowing rivers."*
For weeks I felt like there wasn't any substance in my existence other than my interactions with Sweet One. Since our return from the vacation I had been self-medicating myself with as many reruns of Gilmore Girls and Beverly Hills: 90210 as I could muster. Desperate to check out. There were probably a few moments when the drool began to run down the side of my face! And then it slowly started to change. For about three days I was enjoying things more. I started laughing again, picking on Big Love, kissing him good night because I wanted to and not because I felt I had to. Rather than reminding myself that I was glad to be with Sweet One, it was pure joy to play with her. I was looking forward to posting about how great I had been feeling for so many days. Today was a day to celebrate and be spontaneous. I got the family in the car and we drove up to the nearby city (Big Love didn't figure out what we were doing until we were about 10 miles from our destination!). We had a great walk along the great lake. I was a goof all day and Big Love kept saying how excited he was that I "back". It was a good day. I was looking forward to getting home and having a quiet evening.
When we arrived home I crashed. I had no energy and didn't want to do anything. My 30 Day Challenge seemed as if I had been getting nowhere (despite the fact that the previous evening Big Love was commenting on how much difference there was), Sweet One hadn't pooped all day and it felt like I was back to the barrens. I've heard it said that growth is an erratic step - for every two steps that one takes forward, a small one needs to go backwards**. So maybe that's where I am now. I am desperately trying to convince myself that I am not being punished for my optimism (as I spent most of my teens and twenties doing) and that after all the excitement I need to take a break and rest a wee bit. I will hope for the best but prepare for the worst because that is how I function. Perhaps a chocolate cupcake will help!
*Late Nights On Air", Elizabeth Hay.
** The Artists' Way, Julia Cameron.