Saturday, May 30, 2009

For a few more years, at least

Our visas have been extended for two more years. Originally they were for 3 with an option to extend for 2. Any longer than that and we have to be reclassified as, I believe, permanent residents.

It can be a little unnerving knowing that we are not yet allowed to be in this country for as long as we want. Quite honestly, we don't know how long we want to be here. For the time being it is great because we can own our house, pay down my student loans and live within our means on the one salary. It isn't huge. We have to be careful. But in the end we have what we need. There is no doubt in our minds that all of this would not be possible living somewhere else. Unless my husband gets offered a dream job, at which point we'd take another huge leap of faith, we just hope to get some debt paid down before we think of packing. (Strangely enough I have been saving the boxes that my gDiaper refills come in because they're great 'packing boxes'. Hmmm. Some would say the universe is talking.)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Not ready to let go

My gut tells me that I will never let Sweet One cry it out. From the deepest center of my core I can not hear her crying and not answer the call. She's communicating, trying to tell me something. If I were crying and BL didn't check on me I'd be pissed! I do understand thatit is important she learn to soothe herself and fall asleep on her own. When I feed her just before I go to bed I put her in the bed beside mine wide awake and she falls asleep no problem. Often I can rock her until she is drowsy and then she'll fall asleep in her crib. However, there are times like tonight. She nears sleep so quickly while I'm rocking her that I place her in the crib after a few minutes. 5-10 minutes later she is awake. Her Dad goes upstairs to try to comfort her while I'm trying to finally get some supper in me. "Thanks, but no thanks," she says. I go upstairs and rock her again but tonight I decided I wanted her to fall asleep without more rocking. I rubbed her head, spoke to her a little and then she fell asleep. Well, not quite. She woke up after a few minutes again and was crying harder this time. "You can do this, you can fall asleep," I told her over and over. I rubbed the 10-11 inches that is her head. I rubbed her belly. I held her legs so they wouldn't kick so much. I did everything to stop myself from picking her. But her crying got harder. She was becoming angrier. "Don't you get it? I want you to hold me!" I gave in and after 30 seconds of rocking she was 99% asleep. I didn't rock her for long, just enough.

Maybe I am teaching her to be too dependant on me. Maybe she will naturally put herself to sleep more as she gets older. Perhaps I am too dependant on her. I don't know and I don't care what all the experts say. I've been following my gut this far and it has been ok. Tonight wasn't the night. The more she cried, the less resistance I had. I'm embracing the moments where I can comfort her because I fear that sooner than I'd like it won't be as easy to do so.

And now, 45 minutes after she fell asleep we start again.

Monday, May 25, 2009

A wee favor

My Dearest, Darlingest Sweet One,

Right now you are fast asleep in your crib. It is only 9:00 but you have been napping since 7:50. Now I must tell you that this is very strange because usually you only nap for half an hour in the earlier part of the morning. But today seems a little different. You made your Dad's day by not screaming at him while he put you to sleep. This was also quite nice for me because I'm walking around this morning like my head is in a fog. (I just remembered that half an hour ago I started making oatmeal and left your Dad to finish it for me when I came upstairs to put clothes on and have since been hijacked by the computer!) Luckily, you did not wake up wanting your soother every hour last night as you did the two before but you did seem to magically escape your 'tie me up and hold me' blanket by 5:00 and didn't let me go back to sleep. Now while I don't mind already having the sheets you puked out on the clothesline and yes, I know we've been very lucky that you have never kept us awake for an entire night BUT I'd love it if you'd sleep until 6:30. It would make your Mama SO happy! And it is what you were doing for quite some time before.

Well, if you can't I guess I'll survive. And maybe in a few months you'll even let me drink caffeine again!

Your Mama

Friday, May 22, 2009

5:00 am

SO started waking me up at before 5:00. I kept replacing the soother but she wouldn't go back to sleep. Usually I will bring her into bed with us at 6:00 hoping she'll sleep more and I was a little reluctant to bring her in earlier just in case that would then be the norm. After Big Love's (that man I get to wake up next to every morning!) suggestion, I pulled her out only to realize that she had freed one arm and leg from the miracle blanket. She fell back asleep until 6:00 or so.

I was not so lucky. I was awake with too much going on in my brain. The year leading up to my pregnancy I did some major work. I was angry all the time and I didn't know why. A friend led me to an excellent counsellor and I was caught off guard when she helped me find the source. A priest once told me that people become angry so they don't have to be sad; being sad is much harder because then you have to face what is making you sad. What popped up as the source of all my anger shocked me. It was something from my childhood that I tried to ignore. I had hid the damage for so many years but it was time. Release the hounds! I guess I was brought to this little town, not working with lots of time on my hands, because I would not have had the energy to deal with this otherwise. It was hard, exhausting, overwhelming .... you name it ... but holy shit was life better after.

As I lay in bed this morning I realized that in my attempt to protect SO from what I experienced I have been thinking about it all again too much. The anger is returning and it is scaring me. I won't go back there. Luckily, I'm assuming, it won't take as long to get on top of this because I'm starting from such a different place than 2 years ago.

This is the one, and hopefully only, 5:00am I will be thankful for!

(I also spent a lot of time smelling my hair as I tossed and turned last night - that bugged me. This constant reminder of what I did to it and what I'd look like in the mirror! Good lord, I'm a clown.)

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Einstein hair ... oh wait, his would be nicer.

I was just wondering when the team of experts will be arriving. You know, the housekeepers, the personal chef, the stylists, the hair and makeup specialists and the personal trainer. The brilliant team who will have me looking better than I did before I was pregnant by the time Sweet One is a mere 6 weeks old. And don't forget, I'm still a 100% hands-on mom because the nanny is not seen in the tabloid pictures while my daughter and I are enjoying a wonderful shopping spree at the trendiest boutiques.

Ok, so I don't live that life. I love being able to spend so much time with SO and would not leave her with a nanny for anything. But I was thinking a 'new do' might ease some of this terminal frumpiness I feel. I feel ugly almost every day. My hopes were high that my stylist was going to put in a "not a perm" washout chemical body wave that would prevent me from spending all that time blow drying my hair. Just a soft, subtle body wave. (It will wash out after a few months if I don't like it.) Hmm. What the hell did I do? Crinkly straw is present in place of soft. Hair poking out all over the place is not subtle! I've cried, I've sworn. I can't describe other than it looks ridiculous. This man is competent but I have obviously been speaking to him in Greek because he just doesn't seem to get what I want and I am now afraid to go out in public. Is it so hard to find a good hair stylist in this little town? In the city they were lined up along every block.

They say that it's important to pamper yourself once in awhile. Unfortunately, this made me feel worse than before I went in. Now, my summer wardrobe is non-existent so if Stacy and Clinton want to come over, help me hide the pooch and wipe my memory of this nasty hair experience I'd be more than willing!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


Nearly 3 years ago my husband and I moved to this small, rural town in the States from northwestern Canada. We weren't sure of what to expect but we decided to take the chance. I put some faith in the fact that if we were making such a big move there had to be something great at the end of the road.

Being here has been difficult for me. I don't quite fit in here. A lot has been discovered for me - some good, some bad. Most requiring attention and healing. Things improve with two steps forward and one step back. I am trying to be ok with the fact that I have a Masters degree up in the attic collecting an obscene amout of dust. I don't know for sure if it will ever be 'used' again but for now I am focussing on being happy where I am.

Since my daughter joined us 4 1/2 months ago I have found more purpose and enjoyment. How is that these little people suddenly appear and change our world completely? The days don't drag on because there's always something that needs tending to with her. A walk here, a nap there ... but it is so much more than that.