Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Merrily they roll along

MIL to Sweet One (in an unnaturally high pitch): What noise does a zebra make? I don't think they make a noise
Me: You'd probably get the same answer I got when I googled Do Hippos make a noise? Only they fart! (Then I laughed.)

I tell ya, I almost had to pick up her eyeballs as they rolled across the floor! Perhaps it is best if I stay in the kitchen and continue to work on a Turkey dinner. The Pecan Pie is just finishing up!

Monday, December 27, 2010

And sometimes, all I can do is laugh

I wasn't all that quiet about my surprise and hesitation at the idea of my in-laws coming for a visit. Quite frankly, I'm still not. But I agreed to it because I know it is good for Sweet One to have time with her Grandparents and also Big Love wasn't as against the visit as I was! They planned to be here for three nights and until a few moments ago* it sounded like it would be shortened to two. The Nor'easter that is kicking the world of airline travel's ass has landed them in Philly for a few more hours than originally anticipated. We warned them that with such a short time for a visit (a cruise took up the majority of their vacation) they were taking a chance with the weather forcing them into a hotel for an extra night or two. As I watched the weather channel yesterday I just shook my head and laughed because really, what else do you do? So many other times I've worried about weather and it turned out fine.

Then last night happened. Sweet One slept until 330 and I miraculously got just under a straight 5 hours of sleep. But she didn't get back to sleep until 415 or so. And then I didn't get back to sleep until some time after 507. And then the phone rang at 534 with an automated voice telling me that my in-laws flight out of Philly was cancelled. And then Sweet One woke up at 622. By 700 we had checked out a few things online, tried to see if the in-laws were still at their hotel but they had checked out, and I was trying to get a little more sleep. But Big Love and I had forgotten to send the phone out of the room with him and my FIL woke me up at 745 to tell me what was going on. "Yup, I know it's cancelled because the airline called me at 535!" I was finally able to get a bit more sleep after that. Completely surprising to me is that I'm not pissed off about all that because it got to the point that it was beyond the point of ridiculous so I'm just laughing.... and about to have a nap.

*After typing the first few sentences my FIL called again and said they are on a 351 flight which is about 6 hours earlier than they had originally thought they'd get one. We'll pick them up at the airport and they'll get to spend the drive home with Sweet One before I put her to bed at her regular time.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Not the Christmas Day I had hoped for

Today I screamed at Sweet One. After multiple nights of interrupted sleep, two 5:15 mornings, insufficient naps and multiple, multiple diaper changes, I lost my shit. I couldn't keep it together. It was 50 minutes of on and off rages from her because she wanted her soother at nap time or I had the gall to put her in her crib.

About 20 minutes in I was getting very frustrated and so I put her in her crib in order to leave for five minutes; let her scream it off for a little bit while I tried to gather myself a wee bit. Less than one minute later I heard a bang. Finally she had ripped off the side of the crib?! Nope. It was her body hitting the floor as she found a way to crawl over the side. I picked her up and rocked her until the sobbing hiccups had ended and I thought she was completely asleep. Shortly after I put her down in the crib the flailing began again. She would not. lie. down. She slammed her body around and smashed her face into the side. I clenched my teeth, perhaps thinking that it would mute my outburst, and screamed "Lie! Down!" She looked at me and continued crying. Realizing that this situation was not going to end up in the ideal the way I wanted, I picked her up and took her to my bed where I held her and began to cry as she settled down.

Screaming at my child(ren) is one of two things I never wanted to do. My father was a screamer. He'd lose his temper and scream at me until his spit was on my face and he had done his best job at belittling and humiliating me. Blaming me for his inability to take responsibility for how he reacted. It only made me lose respect for him. Over the past few weeks I've been having more difficulty dealing with Sweet One's outbursts and the challenges from her being sick for the past two months. When I get angry I feel like part of my father is being expressed by me and I absolutely hate it. I feel sick to my stomach. I was plagued by his abusive anger for so long in my life and when moments like this happen, I feel like it is still has a place, despite all my attempts to let it go.

Sweet One has forgiven me for yelling so easily but I can not seem to forgive myself because I am afraid it is going to happen more. It's been a long two months with 7 weeks of congestion turning into an ear infection, followed by her first stomach virus over the past four days The few days in between each of these illnesses had her waking up multiple times in the night. I am trapped in a dark tunnel and completely unable to see the light at the end.

I want so much to remember this Christmas Day as the one where Sweet One woke up and found the little kitchen I had assembled for her the night before. She enjoyed opening her presents and became so focussed on each new toy that she played with it for as long as she could before her Daddy couldn't wait any longer to give her the next gift. She put on the new shoes I bought her and didn't want to take them off: "Pitty! Pitty!" It was absolutely delightful to watch her.

If I may have one Christmas Wish before this day is through, I desperately ask that we get back to the great sleeping habits that we had worked so hard to find. And if that isn't a possibility, I ask for more patience with both myself and my daughter. Perhaps even the ability to forgive myself.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

Sweet One and I are watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. I remember watching this almost every year as a kid and I think that getting older hasn't stopped me from enjoying it. When I was little we also had a record with the whole show on it and my siblings and I would listen to it in our basement.

Big Love is at the church for the early service. I had thought, at some point, that Sweet One and I might go but since she's on Day 4 of a stomach virus I've decided it's best to keep her home. It has been a difficult four days as she is very demanding on me when she is sick as well as our lack of sleep. Big Love also seemed to get the same virus just before suppertime last night and luckily he seemed to be over the worst of it before he had to go to church. I only hope things start to look up as we near Monday since that is the day her Grandparent's will be here (although I'm not that optimistic).

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas with friends and family. I hope that I can ignore my aches and pains that seem to overwhelm me and remember what this season is truly about.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Hide and Seek

Sweet One loves playing Hide and Seek with her Daddy these days. It doesn't even matter if she can see him sticking out from his place because we don't have that many places to hide, she thinks it is the greatest. Big Love will put his index finger on his mouth, "Hmmmm" and Sweet One will copy as he's finding a place to hide. If he forgets the 'thought process' she reminds him and does it until he remembers! Me? I'm sitting on the couch, eating my bowl of regular oatmeal and freshly ground flax seeds, thoroughly enjoying how much they like to play together. (And secretly happy it isn't me trying to get into places because I'm losing my ability to be graceful getting up and down.)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

All that matters is what he thinks

I felt fortunate last night to fall asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow and staying asleep until 4:15. I didn't go back to sleep and then with Sweet One waking at 5:00 I was up for awhile, desperately hoping that she'd go back to sleep and we could put an end to this gong show of a sleeping habit she's been in since November began. What the hell is it with November and December for her? I was able to get another hour of sleep after Big Love took Sweet One downstairs at 6:20.

I got up at 7:30, showered and got ready to go to MOPS. My second meeting and despite my trepidation about taking part in something lead by fundamental conservation christians, I was looking forward to going somewhere to meet other moms and let Sweet One have some time on her own with kids her age. (The first time I went I cried when I left her in the age appropriate room and she went on to thoroughly enjoy herself!)

When I came downstairs I put The Simpsons Season 8 in a gift bag and told Sweet One to give it to her Daddy and say Happy Birthday. She was very excited and as she handed the bag to him she said, "Happidy!" Big Love was excited to get another season as it is his favorite show.

After MOPS, Sweet One and I came home and had lunch with Big Love. He decided to take today off from work because he didn't want to work on his 30th birthday. I don't blame him at all. After Sweet One was sleeping I tried to rest but couldn't and so I went on some errands. In just under two hours I stopped at 9 different places and while it sounds like a lot was accomplished, it truly wasn't. Frustrating.

After I got home I went upstairs and put Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov in the same gift bag as before and Sweet One repeated her role. Quite cute. Big Love thought the edition was beautiful and so that gift was a success! (I don't think he's ever read a book written since 1900 as long as I've known him!) We proceeded to just hang out and at one point I got mad at Big Love for not choosing Super Shipper Saving on my Christmas present from amazon. There is nothing more I hate than paying for shipping when I don't have to because I'd rather that go into a bill or another little something for me - wasted money makes me physically ill! Since I knew what my present is, I also knew the shipping would be a little too much.

I went into the kitchen to work on the toppings for Big Love's birthday cheesecake. I lifted the bowl off the plate and was completely flattened when I saw it. It looked like someone stepped on it. (I love cheesecake and there is truly no place in this town where I can go and get anything other than a New York cheesecake and so I am hoping to one day figure out how to make a decent cheesecake. I cried over this one because I was just so disappointed that his cake didn't turn out better. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know anyone who can give me pointers!) Big Love came to see what was wrong and had a chuckle but said that it will be fine and that it looks delicious. I put the toppings on it and I still feel like it looks like something I find in Sweet One's diaper.

Luckily the dinner I made turned out just as it should have.

We ate some cheesecake before taking Sweet One up for her bath and two hours later I am just finally starting to feel like I can breathe again! There was one more present for Big Love and I carefully had Sweet One cradle it in her arms as she carried a bottle of Vintage Port to him, wrapped beautifully in the paper bag it came in. The look on his face was sheer delight and he said, "this has been a good day".

I had been spending so much of my energy holding myself together as best I could, and feeling like I was failing, that I didn't imagine it could have been a good day for him. But I guess that's all that matters. With very little going on and a few presents spread out throughout the day, my husband will leave his twenties behind him without a regret. He will continue to be the optimist he is, looking forward with hope and more patience for me than I deserve. Despite the fact that he wastes money on shipping, he is truly a great man.

Sweet One went to sleep without any troubles and after doing a short yoga program I have collapsed on the couch where I feel much better. One more catharsis to leave me feeling better than when I started.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Toddler in toy crane vending machine!

My father in law sent us a link to this news article and we found it very interesting! Kids sure do find a way to get into everything if they want to!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Thinking of a stranger today

Sweet One is dancing to the Local on the 8's update while wearing her Robeez booties (still the 6-12 months size!) and a diaper shirt that is undone. After three nights of her sleeping well I look at her and smile and know that life is good.

There are moms out there who deal with so much more and as I just read one of my favorite blogs, I can't help but think of her and Monkey today hoping that all will be well for them. This woman has so much on her plate and yet, from what I read, I find it staggering how well she manages to always operate from a place of love for her family. I don't know her at all other than reading her blog but she is an inspiration to me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Pink sticky goo all over the place

There is nothing worse than trying to give liquid amoxicillin to a toddler who doesn't in any want to swallow a single drop. Our first dose was easy and my guess is because she felt like shit and wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. But each time I've had to give it to her since has gotten worse and worse. The flailing, the spitting, the gagging and the screaming. I feel like the worst mom in the world; by the time we were done the dinnertime dose today I was crying and wanted to curl up in my own fetal position and hide in the corner. I don't know what we're going to do and I hope that if we can't get her to get drink it disguised in juice tomorrow morning that I will need to call the doctor's office again to ask if there is a chewable kind.

What I find hardest about this is that it feels like this illustrates how I've been feeling for awhile now. With her ear infection causing her to need me so much, the disrupted sleep (ever since the damn time change) and no time to myself I feel completely incapable of finding myself in a healthy mental state. I am constantly apologizing to the little Bean that is growing inside of me because I feel guilty for giving him/her such a fukked up Mama to grow inside. I can't help feeling that it is unfair for Sweet One to have had what seems to me a much healthier Mama to grow in.

Fortunately, about two minutes after the medicine gong show ended, Sweet One was resting on me and snuggling as if I was on the only one in the world she loved. If I could only forgive myself as quickly then maybe I'd be able to see better days on the other side of this goo that is clouding my vision.