A friend's prayer

This morning a friend I met at the mom's group I attended messaged me to tell me that she woke up and felt like God had 'put me on her heart' and that she needed to pray for me. I was a little surprised because we don't communicate on a regular basis. All she had seen was a Facebook status that said how proud I was of my sister and the eulogy she delivered for my Dad. I often don't know how to respond to these types of moments especially when they come from an evangelical fundamentalist practice, but I do trust her. All that I have seen her do seems very heartfelt and genuine.

A few hours later I ran into her at Sweet One's preschool. It was an introduction morning for the students and holy shit! was Sweet One so excited to be there. She hugged both of her teachers (she's never met either of them before) and told them she'd come back "by myself". She and I are so ready for this.

But I digress. This friend left shortly after we had arrived but returned later on her own because she was worried about me. I talked to her and tried to limit my crying so as to not let the other mothers see me cry (they were busy with their own friends, anyway). I was very surprised that she had come back to check on me but there was something inside that felt so comforted by it.

Later on in the day (after canning 22 quarts of peaches and still having enough left over for another 10) I messaged her and thanked her. I also asked what made her feel like she had to pray for me and if she'd mind sharing. Her response struck me so deeply.

I haven't been feeling any spiritual comfort in all of this. I only feel empty. I'm a little scared because I want to feel something to help me move on and feel ok.

When my alarm went off this morning at 5, you were in a dream I was having. I can't remember the dream, but I woke and just felt an urgent need to pray for you. So I did. I prayed for strength, encouragement, courage for whatever struggle you might be facing. I prayed for protection and that God would continue to embrace you, comfort you, and consume you with his love. I will continue to pray for you. I could see your heartache in your eyes today. Praying for peace, comfort, and healing for you dear friend. Hang in there.

Her prayer was perfect. She gave me words for what I need when I haven't been able to find them myself. If that isn't God working, I don't know what is.

Now I'm going to watch Rookie Blue as soon as Big Love is done with Futurama. I'm tired and need to turn my brain off and have a good night's sleep. But I will fall asleep feeling a little more comfort in my heart than I did last night.

Kindred Spirits

I had an amazing time when my friend came to visit. I felt bad that we didn't have anything specific planned, except for a trip to the zoo on a hot day right after we picked her up, but it seemed to be just what she needed simply because it is the exact opposite to what she has with her day's back home. We visited parks, went for a few walks, I got a few stupid projects done, watched a few movies, drank coffee and chatted on the couch. Nothing fancy but when I look back at the last eleven years it seems that those are the types of moments where we built our friendship and we pick right back up where we left off whenever we get together even if there are children being added to the mix each time!

My hour on my own while the kids are napping went too quickly while she was here. We'd start talking and before I knew it it was time wake up Sweet One. How is it that I make more sense to myself just by having her around? Maybe it is just her ability to put things in perspective for me. She's wise, compassionate and fun. A true kindred spirit.

She loves my  kids, too. It is amazing to see just how much as I watch them play together. She was always ready to read books or draw chalk on the sidewalk with Sweet One. Just this morning Big Love and Sweet One were about to draw another hopscotch grid when I heard, "Auntie like drawing chalk with me!" They have a special connection and I love the imprint it leaves on Sweet One's mind and heart.

She will be having a baby in November. I couldn't be happier for her but I also couldn't be sadder because I want to be there to help her like she did with me and my babies. I don't see how I could make that work unless I win the lottery! It is too far for a winter trip and then I am afraid because I don't know when we will be able to see each other again. I hope it is sooner than I fear it might be.

I'm sitting here on my couch trying to remember all the things we talked about. I miss her. And she knows it because I probably send way too many emails with little tidbits that I wish I could share with her over coffee at the regular time and place we meet to catch up on each other's week. I'll pretend for now and remember...

"True friends are always together in spirit."
                                          -Anne Shirley

Bits

Looks like I need a new header! That snow was rarely around this winter and spring has taken over with a few record highs and so much sunshine (with just enough overcast to remind me how hard my brain is on overcast).

Little Man has moved to one nap a day. I was so looking forward to that and now I sort of miss the quieter days! I would sometimes post while he was napping and Sweet One was watching TV but those times are gone. And while I remind myself that I haven't put anything down in this place for awhile, I'm so tired by the time things are quiet that I haven't one inch of energy to put words together.

I didn't think we'd put Sweet One in preschool but over the past week we have decided to do so. Big Love got a new gig that will add to our income enough to afford it. She seems so ready to learn more, constantly asking questions and the other side of it is, I feel like we're butting heads a little more than I'd like and I think having her at preschool will give us a bit of a break from each other. In a very good way. I'll use some of that time to go grocery shopping with Little Man and do other things perhaps.

My friend was over with her kids today. And it felt so much easier to be around her. We didn't get into politics, but some of the things we talked about made me realize I really don't have to worry about voicing my opinion. It makes me happy.

Because of when Sweet One will be in preschool I don't think going to the mom's group I've been attending will work out. The thing is, we went about 6 weeks without a meeting and I didn't miss it. Then I missed the last meeting but I didn't really miss it. Maybe I'm just more sad that there isn't a different mom's group in this tiny town where I'd feel like I fit in better. I don't know. Just something I'm pondering.

Did I mention I'm tired? Still not sleeping more than 4 hours (and I'm lucky to get that!) in a row at night. Sometimes it's the kids but other times it's just me.

See. Not that much has been happening. Nothing too exciting. Oh, except for the discovery under my dining room carpet and hopefully I'll get around to throwing some pictures up in the next few days!

(And I have one more week before the in-laws arrive.)

Keeping up with The Boys

A few days ago, the kids and I joined our friends who live across the street. It's pretty much where we spent the majority of our afternoons. Sweet One plays with The Boys (individually here after referred in their order of birth 1, 2 and 3), I chat with their mom and Little Man does what he does. 

This particular afternoon, Sweet One would not stop screaming at 3 and 2 to stop and slow down because they were scaring her. They were on their scooters, flying back and forth along the sidewalk while Sweet One ran alongside, desperately trying to keep up. She didn't want her bike. She wouldn't do anything else. No begging, pleading or bartering would help the situation. She was inconsolable. I had no idea what to do. After awhile, Daddio (their father) suggested I get her helmet and let her try the scooter. After all, 3 was on a scooter when he was 2 years old. I fought the urge to wet myself. She'd fall and it might chop off her arm! Or smash her beautiful face! The idea quite honestly scared me. I inwardly pondered it for awhile. Worried. Anxious. Desperately wanting to stop Sweet One from screaming but also wanting to keep her safe. I thought out loud a little bit more, chatting with Daddio and he explained that I could have 'that guy' hold her on it .... huh? Oh! Big Love was just arriving back from work. Yay! He's better at being brave with these things. (After all, the only reason Clare flew down a hill covered in snow by herself two winters ago was because I was at home sewing and he was with her!) I was relieved that Big Love could make 'the big decision' and I could blame him if she ended up in the ER! He figured it couldn't hurt.

We got her her helmet and from then nothing stopped her. She wouldn't let us help her and spent a very long time trying to figure it out on her own. Patiently doing it at her own pace. So happy to be doing what the boys were doing. So proud of herself.

Today we were coming home from a shopping trip and we saw the boys out playing. "Can I go and ride a scooter?" We weren't quite sure what the boys were up to but after asking to borrow and scooter and being told yes, it was another hour or so of working on her scootering skills. She's doing so well. Still not fast enough to scare me, but slowly finding her balance. In a few days, she'll be freestyling. And I'll be taking Xanax.

My best friend's birthday was on Wednesday and for the first time since I have known her, I was unable to hear her voice as I wished her a Happy Birthday. She has a job that makes her travel and, unfortunately, she was traveling on her big day. I hope she got the email I sent into the abyss that can be the internets while her card makes its way to her by land.

I still sometimes wonder how we both made such a big move five years ago and ended up only 8 hours of driving apart. I absolutely loved going to visit her in that fancy Canadian city. Sweet One and I took the train up there once and there were other trips to visit that I will never forget. Not being in the same time zone anymore kinda sucks ass.

I hope she was able to find a few moments to enjoy despite starting a work trip that day. And I hope that her hubby celebrated her day (or will once she is home) in the wonderful way they do.

If things work out as Big Love and I are wanting them to, we'll be moving to a bigger center in time for Sweet One to start kindergarten and I can only hope that it will end up putting my friend and I closer together.

Happy birthday, dear friend. You are an amazing person, friend and auntie. I'm pretty sure you know all the other blubbering I am capable of when I think of how much you mean to me, so I'll spare you for now! (And I'm sorry for sucking and not getting you your birthday present yet!)

With a whole lot of help from my friends

My best friend in the world, M, was here for a visit last week to meet Little Man and help me out while Big Love was out of town. I do not have the words for how wonderful it was to have her here. Getting very little sleep and a very fussy baby around the supper prep time, I don't think I would have survived as well as I did without her making me supper, doing dishes, tidying my house while I was putting the kids to bed and most of all, playing with Sweet One. On top of all that, having time to talk with her and simply be around her was the greatest.

When M walked down the stairs the first morning she was here (she arrived after the kids were sleeping), Sweet One immediately took to her. This surprised me a little because she usually needs a bit of time to adjust to someone new being in her house. A few days later I realized that M has seen Sweet One five times since she was born and this is probably why Sweet One adores her so much.

I have always been so thankful for M in my life, but seeing her loving my children and taking time out of her busy schedule to spend so much time with us, it gives our friendship a greater depth. She doesn't have to do this but she does and I love her even more for it.

***
Five years ago today we crossed the border and made our journey east to where we now live. We weren't quite sure what we were getting ourselves into and it has had its ups and downs, but I have learned and grown so much since that fateful day.

Today would have marked the day that we were officially out of status had the I-360 not miraculously been approved. For almost two weeks we were planning to be without a paycheck for a short but significant amount of time when it comes to our finances. My friend who lives across the street is also a Canadian and understands the stress of visas. Yesterday while Sweet One and I were over at their place playing with the two younger boys and their dad, he mentioned that it was great that we were still in status because then they didn't have to pay our mortgage. Very confused, I asked him what they were talking about and he told me that my friend told him that if Big Love was out of work they were going to pay our mortgage. This blew me away. I told him he was crazy and he said, no, that was what she said. The fact that they would do that for us leaves me speechless and humbled. I have absolutely no words. (Although, I'm very relieved it never ended up coming to that point!)

I don't really know what I have done in my life to deserve such friendships.

A loving instinct

This afternoon as we took advantage of the brilliant sun and snow, she watched them chase each other up and down the sidewalk. The eldest would tackle the younger ones and growl as he pretended to devour his kill. The longer the game went on, the more the younger ones begged to be let go, tired of constantly being the prey. Sweet One laughed at all the silliness she saw as her friends played. She plays with them as much as she can; she iruns up and down the sidewalk either behind trying to catch up or in front as she knows they will soon be passing her. She adores her friends. Three boys ages 7, 4.5 and 3. Their play is some of the only play she has known with kids.

Because she has only really seen boys play together I am completely amazed at the instinct she shows with her new doll. After reading about another young child's love of these dolls, I ordered one and it arrived last week. Sweet One's initial reaction was awe. "Baby!" she whispered as if it had been touched by angels. Slowly she allowed herself to touch it but only on the arms. Eventually she made her way to holding it with one arm and carrying it around the house. Now Sweet One makes sure her baby goes to sleep with her at naptime and at night. She gives it kisses goodnight as she smiles and gets comfy under the covers. If she comes out of bed to get a little more attention, she is carrying her baby.

I truly don't know how she learned to play with her doll. As far as I know she has never seen a girl play with one before, unless it has been while we're at MOPS. This instinct blows my mind and I wish I understood more. I am hoping that showing such love and attention to her baby will help the transition of having a new baby in the house. Who knows how Sweet One will adjust to not be the sole being at the center of my world but I do know we'll figure it out as we go.

It doesn't get much better

I am lying in bed. Anything outside of the glow of this little scream is a dark black that swallows up everything. My daughter is fast asleep in her crib. My husband is sleeping next to me. In the guest room/studio are two of the most important people in the world to me. They are here for a visit and I have been beyond excited. We had a late dinner of Pinot Noir and Spring Veggie Pizza.

Sweet One greeted them at the airport as if she had just seen them yesterday! Such a difference from either visit with her grandparents. (And strangers in general.)

And so I have two and a half days to make the most of their time here. We're just going to hang out and spend time together. My words fail.

I'd also be this excited if it were my sister and her family visiting. Or my friend from Montreal. Not that there are any competitions going on. It's just funny how I had so much anxiety about the two sets of grandparents coming and now there is none. I wish we didn't need sleep so I could have more time with them!

Day 2, or the day I found a friend

Our second day in New Orleans was dramatically better than our first. We decided that, since Nola likes to sleep in, we would stay in our hotel room until after Sweet One had her first nap and this made such a huge difference. She slept for 1h20 and awoke in much better spirits than most of the previous day. (I think this helped her nap better later on in the day as well.)

We decided to hop aboard the St. Charles street car and go to the Garden District. Standing in line, Big Love was a little concerned that we might not get onto the first car as it looked packed but it wasn't as bad as it looked. I ended up with Sweet One in my lap sitting next to a young woman. (I thought she was a college student.) Sweet One reached out to her and she smiled. "Wow! She never reaches out to people she doesn't know." Sweet One continued to entertain the gaggle of tourists we were sitting among with her smiles and silly sounds. Usually I get nervous initiating any degree of conversation with a stranger beside me but since Sweet One had made the first move, I asked the young woman if she was 'from here'. She said no and that she was in fact from LA.

When we got off the street car, we crossed the street as the rest of the tourists were (we had completely forgotten to take our guidebook on this entire trip). The young woman I had been sitting beside was on the other side of the street but then she quickly came across since that's where the rest of us had gone. "I guess I went the wrong way!" she said. (She was wearing very nice books with a pointy toe and a moderate heel - just like I hope to have one day.) Then she asked if Big Love and I would mind if she joined us, "so I don't get kidnapped since I'm all alone."

We spent a couple of hours walking around the Garden District and I was amazed at how easy it was for me and this young woman to chat the entire time. Usually I have moments of awkwardness where I don't really know what to say around someone I don't know. I learned that her husband has the same name as mine, she has a degree in criminology and now works in pest control, loves going to estate sales and is 10 weeks pregnant. Her mouth dropped when she found out I was just about 32 years old and I was equally surprised to learn that she was 27. It felt so nice to have a young woman to talk to, especially one who I seemed to have a lot in common with. Even Big Love said we seemed to have a bit of a connection.

When we returned to the French Quarter, Big Love, Sweet One and I went to a restaurant this young woman had recommended and had our first good meal since we arrived. Even Sweet One ate a surprising amount of fries considering she hadn't eat much at all since we left two days ago. When we left our hotel room that morning I anticipated the amazing houses in the Garden District to be the highlight of my day, but in the end it ended up being a conversation with a complete stranger!

One negative aspect of social media

Social media doesn't always help me feel more in touch. Yes, it is easy to check in on people we are curious about - to see if the friend who dumped us in Grade 6 is still the 'it' girl in her new world, to see if that ex-boyfriend's ended up with someone not quite as cute as we are, or the ease of satisfying our curiosity of 'where are they now'.

As the person who moved thousands of miles from home, I am often thinking of my friends back home. I leave messages on their wall, congratulate them on the various events they post about, and drop a quick hello here and there with the simple hope that they will know someone is thinking of them. I have to admit that while I don't expect every little remark to be reciprocated, once in awhile it is nice to hear something back and with some people it is more often than not ignored. After awhile, I give up. What is the point?

Today I got an instant message from someone I have not heard from in quite some time: Hey, How are things? [Your daughter] is beautiful! Only just getting into the facebook thing, again. Sorry I am crap at keeping in touch! I haven't heard anything from her in three years and the excuse of not using facebook a whole lot is crap as I have seen regular updates from her. So at what point do I realize that I am taking this too much to heart? With tools such as Facebook, is there too much expectation for people to keep in touch? I am trying to take into account my struggles with a lack of my own community here and so maybe I am making too much of this. But she was a good friend at one point and that is why I feel hurt.

I probably won't spend too much time obsessing over this as I have dishes to do and Weeds to watch, but I am curious about what you do. Do you have higher expectations for people to regularly keep in touch now with things such as Twitter (I don't tweet) and Facebook at your disposal? Or can it sometimes make you feel like shit to have put some effort into keeping in touch with a particular friend, get nothing in return for years and then all of a sudden, "Well, I suck and I don't care"?

***

Afterthought.

Maybe I should have titled this "No one wants to be rejected" because I think that what this all comes down to is that for three years I felt completely rejected and that never feels nice. Last night the episode of Life Unexpected was all about that: No one wants to be rejected.

Cafe et chocolat dans la ville

Despite all of my fears, and the fact that I had an anxiety cry as we drove away from our house, the trip to Montreal will go down in the memory books. I've never been good at staying present in the moment. The Power of Now was fleeting even though I knew how important it would be for me and the way my mind works. Never did I imagine that my daughter would be my guru. Yes she cried herself to sleep for an hour when we got to the hotel (unheard of in her world!) but after that she was amazing. Once in the thick of it, everything went as smoothly as it could. She was incredibly sleep deprived but never once had a fit or became fussy for more than a few minutes. I do not know what I did to deserve such a wonderful child but I am thankful every day. (One woman on the train told me not to expect the next one to be so good natured and I dislike the logic of these comments so much that I simply said - I had a scary third trimester and my friend told me that is why I have such a wonderful baby.)

Spending time with my friend in Montreal sustains me. Conversations with her help me figure out what it means to be a woman and I always feel like a better person for knowing her. It was wonderful to watch her and her husband enjoying time with Sweet One - I am happy that Sweet One has them in her life. It is almost insane that both of us moved so far away from 'home' but ended up being a reasonable distance from each other to see each other twice a year.

Highlights of our time were:

• walking around the neighborhood Sunday morning when the streets were almost empty and it seemed we had the city to ourselves
• coffee shops here and coffee shops there! No lack of (decaf) coffee to drink!
• a wonderful "Girl's Dinner Out" where we had good conversation and Sweet One didn't rush us - a brilliant Ferrero Rocher Cheesecake. Seriously. Best cheesecake. Ever.
• coffee and Tornade de chocolat for me, coffee and chocolatine for my friend (if you're reading I need a name for you, you can even choose it) Sunday morning in a small French bakery where the nearby church bells serenaded us.

I guess it doesn't look like much because we often don't do anything fancy but it means the world to me.

After a long day on the train (11:45-7:15), Sweet One had a huge smile of relief on her face when I put her into the car at 7:20 last night. Rarely has she ever slept in the car for more than 30 mins but she did this time. Within 5 minutes she was sleeping and did so all the way home. This morning she woke up and it is clear that she is happy to be back in familiar surroundings. I'm a little sad as I sit here typing while Sweet One and Big Love nap. I usually go through withdrawal after spending time with 'my people' because being back here reminds me of how far away they seem. But for now, my cup has been filled up and I will sip from it when I start to feel all alone.