The Sound of Silence

I never used to do well with silence. Going from High School to dorms at University, silence was pretty rare. As life moved on I felt uncomfortable with too much silence. Living on my own for four years I would either have the TV or music on to fill the air. I'm not too sure why that is. There's a big chance that I wasn't comfortable enough with myself and having to listen to too much going on in my head.

The first time my in-laws visited us Big Love had to work while they were here which left me with the job of entertaining them. They don't talk a whole lot and I found myself squirming in my seat to try and figure out if it was because they just liked the quiet from time to time or if they were not enjoying themselves. And so I rambled on and on and on (slam head against wall) because I simply didn't know what I was supposed to do. Silence by myself was one thing, silence with two other people I wasn't completely comfortable with was a whole other challenge!

More and more I am now finding myself loving the quiet. If I luck out enough to have a few quiet moments to myself in the day it isn't hard for me to just sit and drink my decaf coffee. Nothing really on my mind. I move only enough to raise my orange up to my lips. My skin tingles like it does when I'm falling asleep. I have no problem slowing down my brain. When I feel like I'm slogging through mud every day, it's nice to stop and give in to the weight of my tired mind and body.

***
On a very different note, the mail brought us notices to say that our status has been adjusted to permanent resident. This is such great news for us. No more worrying, nausea, fear of being deported or anything else like that that goes along with being on a temporary visa.

One vacation a year, and it looks like shitty skies

Sadly, it has been a year since I've posted about vacations and that is because we haven't gone anywhere since. Tomorrow we will be leaving for the same state park as last year, sans cheesecake and I am having a few troubles finding any optimism for our stay. The weather will be similar. Drizzly days that are not very warm. Yes, I know that packing up and going to a cabin in October means taking a risk that the weather will suck ass, but last week at it was magnificent! We will be staying one day less than last year but that is probably better since we have a wee baby with us. (Then again, he's not so wee as he weighed in at 18lbs 9oz on Tuesday. I've now started calling him my little moose!)

In anticipation of crappy weather and being stuck in a cabin far too long I just finished making some supplies to keep Sweet One as demonstrative of her name as possible.

A play-dough recipe from my mom that never seems to have enough flour so I need to almost double it.

and some noodles soaked in rubbing alcohol (the fumes almost got a little too fun!) and food coloring that she can string onto yarn.

On the way home we have to stop in the nearby big city to give USCIS our fingerprints. (We've only been waiting for these appointments since the end of June!) I am hoping to be cleaned up and out the cabin door early so we can stop for breakfast and then get to either the Zoo or a Children's Museum. Again, weather permitting but I'm REALLY hoping we can do the Zoo because they have three different types of penguins and Sweet One is in love with penguins these days!

Maybe I'll be lucky and the weather will change bringing us brilliant skies and lots of outdoor adventures. But if it doesn't, wish me luck!

A renewed choice

For the past five years, I haven't worked. My choice to move to this little town so Big Love could begin his career and enable us to start a family also meant that opportunities for my work were minimal. Also, I don't have a social security number which you need for almost everything in this country. (Luckily you can get an ITIN - income tax identification number - when you're in my situation and health insurance companies will still let you be covered without any number.) I could have found a specific type of job and then applied for a corresponding visa but there didn't seem to be anything in the area for me that was worth all of that gong show.

But yesterday things changed. Our Work Authorization Cards unexpectedly arrived in the mail and I can now go and get myself a Social Security Number. This also means that I could go and get any kind of job that I could find. But I'm not going to. I'm not going to leave my children in a day care. It's not that I'm opposed to day care, it is just that I would need a job that was highly personally fulfilling to let someone else raise my children for such a significant part of that day. And so, today I renew my choice to be a SAHM - a role I never thought I'd be 100%. I thought I'd have teaching/performing on the side while still spending the majority of my time with my children.

Hopefully renewing this choice with my new 'status' will help me find more fulfillment in my days with my children.

Just in time ... but not quite

I found out half an hour ago that our I-380 was approved. Recently the Federal Courts decided to question whether or not these can be filed concurrently with an I-485. Had they not done so, we would have received our green cards with about a week to spare before our current visas expire. Then we wouldn't be in the situation we are: shitting bricks over whether or not Big Love will be getting paychecks next month. I cannot imagine that our I-485 would be approved fast enough but who knows if we could speed it up and avoid applying for the H visas. Who knows. It is all a gong show and I feel like a dryer ball being tossed around in the heat.

..... about 8 hours later....

You'd think that by this point I'd be able to understand all the steps and what happens when, well, not so much. The bad thing is that sometimes my head spins when I try to figure it all out and the good thing? Well, an I-360 gets approved and it is even a much better development that I first thought! After talking with our lawyer, this was what he was hoping for; it's a best case scenario!

We felt pretty strange for awhile, questioning why we are here and what brought us here, are we going to have to pack up and return to Canada, etc. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy some Canadiana as I watch Rookie Blue!

Can't do anything but hope for the best

My lawyer drives me nuts. While I fully believe that he is completely competent at what he is doing, I want to punch him in the head! Over the past three or four years I have been regularly trying to get our green card application moving. I'm not one to leave important things to the last minute but every time I tried to voice my concern he told me that all would be alright and there would be no problems because he anticipated that we should have green cards in our hands before our R-1 and R-2 Visas ran out.

April 2010 - I finally get the questionnaires and lists of everything the lawyer's office needed to put together our application
June 2010 - after a few emails asking what was going on and where we were, the lawyer tells me that he just needs to put on the finishing touches and all will be good.
....more emails go unanswered as I try to find out where we are with everything....
November 2010 - FINALLY! I hear from our lawyer and he says that he just needs a few more things before putting in the applications. WTF! I thought they were already put in! Needs checks made out to Homeland Security for our applications. Another WTF! because we've already provided him with them. Oh! But it was so long ago and they are no longer valid so we need to provide new ones. Ok. Still told that all is going to be fine and we don't have to worry about anything.
Early 2011 - the church receives notification from Homeland Security that our applications for green cards has been received.
May 2001 - Big Love starts to have some concerns that we haven't received our travel documents and whether or not he'll be able to work once our visas expire. I told him that our lawyer said everything would be ok but I phone his office just to confirm. As with many other emails, I am sent to voicemail with no returned phone call. A week later I call again. Same thing. A few days later I email and ask what is going on. We finally get an email that is not very good news. Our visas expire July 2, 2011 and something happened so he can not file the two petitions concurrently and things are backed up in California with the applications, and blah blah. We have to apply for completely new visas while the green card stuff is in process so that Big Love can continue to receive pay checks. While our lawyer says there is still nothing to worry about in regards to our green card applications going through, it may be another year before we have the actual green card in hand.
June 11, 2011 - The new visas have not been applied for because we are waiting on our lawyer to tell us he's got his part done and how much the checks need to be made out for, as well as the fact that Big Love's passport has expired and we're waiting on the new one being delivered. Again, the lawyer says he has no doubts that we'll be accepted for this new visa and so we are preparing for a worst-case scenario of losing out on half a month's pay which can not be retroactively paid once the new visas are approved. We know we're going to be ok and we have some savings, but if we have to go the full half a month, all of our savings will be gone. We are not happy about this and it is a stress that is sitting in the back of our minds 24/7. I can not help but believe that had our lawyer gotten onto these a hell of a lot sooner as I had been requesting, then this would not be going on right now.

There's also a possibility that we may not be able to renew our Driver's Licenses in time for their expiration on July 2 (only get them as long as we have a valid visa) and so to put salt in the wound, Big Love will be on an unanticipated holiday but we won't be able to go anywhere! Not even to the nearby beach for Sweet One to play. (We were there the other day and to say she loved it would be a gross understatement.)

How I hate having my fate in the hands of mere mortals.

The grass does look a little greener!

Today I found out that should our green card application be denied, there are two other avenues for us to go about staying in the country for awhile. While I believe that the green card gives us the most freedom to move on to a new location when we are ready, it is good to know that we will not have to pack up and leave on short notice. Quite a load off the ol' shoulders to say the least. Our lawyer is also very confident that Big Love fulfills all of the criteria required for receiving a green card in his current capacity and so he has left me with the feeling that all should be good.

Excuse me while I sigh a breath, or eighteen, of relief!

Switching outlooks

One of the greatest things about Big Love is that he is level headed. Constantly reminding me that things will be okay when all I want to do is fly off the handle and have one of my freak outs. We definitely balance each other out! But right now I'm not so sure.

With our recent issues at the border and the realization that our green cards may not go as smoothly as we'd like, Big Love has been taking every chance he can to mention that we might be sent packing with a moments notice. Meanwhile, I'm desperately trying to picture us here, in our home as long as we want to - to be able to leave on our own terms.

I'm worried as to how Big Love's lack of confidence in our situation may cause me to lose my mind. Sweet One and I walked Big Love to work today and as we were walking into the parking lot something came up to which he answered, "then again, we may end up there a year from now" or something like that. I wanted to scream, "you can't lose it on me or I'll go insane and then I'll be the biggest basket-case you've ever seen for the next 10 months!" Instead, I quietly told him that he needs to be positive or we're gonna be screwed.

I need him to be stable for us. I need him to reassure me, not the other way around. This is how it has always been and that is how we are supposed to function as a couple! At least in my brain. I've decided that each day I'm going to take some time to visualize things as we want the outcome to be. Perhaps the universe will agree.

Our dubious status

When we returned from Montreal this passed Sunday, we encountered our first glitch at the border. In our passports has always been the I-94A and, since our visas have been extended, there was also one other piece of paper stapled to the I-94A that we received when our visas were renewed. For some reason, the US government does not put the expiry date on the renewal slip. Why? I have no freakin' clue and think that that is absolutely retarded! Regardless, the paper which the renewal slip detaches from does have the expiry date which we have carried with us on two previous trips and never needed them. I've always been someone who carries more than we need with us to prevent any problems, but this time I completely forgot about the lack of expiry date on our passport documents.

We were one of those cars sent to the offices at the border. They take the keys to our car and firmly tell us where to go. On one hand, the person at the booth could have easily found it in the computer they scan things through - which is what I'm guessing has been done in the past - and on the other, we should have had the rest of the renewal notice with us. Luckily, all the information regarding us and our status in the States is readily available in the computer and the person we dealt with in the office issued us new I-94A's, confiscating our other documents which were being used in our green card application. What this might mean for our green cards, we had no idea.

On June 17th I received an email from our lawyer instructing me not to worry about some of our concerns and also that he would be filing our green card application within the week. I hadn't heard anything from him a month later and so I emailed inquiring into the status of our application with no reply. The day before we left for Montreal I emailed him to let him know we'd be leaving the country for a short time and again queried as to the status of our application. Still nothing.

On Monday I left a message for our lawyer with a brief description of what happened at the border. Later on that day he returned my call and asked about what happened. At one point he mentioned that he didn't know we'd be out of the country to which I responded, I sent you an email the day before we left. "Oh." (Dude! You're obviously not reading my emails!) turns out that we were very lucky he hadn't filed the application because if he had and we were in possession of new I-94A's, then the entire application would have been thrown out. (And if he had filed the application we weren't supposed to leave the country until we get new travel papers!) While I was frustrated that our applications hadn't been filed, it's a good thing they weren't!

This whole experience has reminded us just how strongly our presence here in the States is determined by someone's decision. Our application will be put on someone's desk and they will decide our fate. (Hopefully they'll be in a good mood and not recently been dumped by the love of their life!) We are somewhat afraid that the decision will not be favorable to us and that we will be given a short amount of time to pack up and return to Canada. Without income, a place to live, a toddler and an infant, we just can't seem to imagine where the best place to go would be or how things will work out. Houses in this area do not sell quickly and so we'd also have a mortgage to continue paying. It's scary. Because it could be quite some time before we know our fate, I am trying to live each day as if we're ok and whatever happens, we'll deal with it. I so desperately hope that when it is time for us to leave this place it will be on our own terms because we're ready for the next step.

Chicken Little sobers up

I've always been a person who needs to look at negative possibilities to figure out how I might deal with them before I can focus on the positive. "Hope for the best but expect the worst," was what a good friend once told me, "that way, if the worst happens it isn't so hard to deal with. If the best happens, it's great!" Over the past three weeks there have been a bunch of things that, on their own, I could deal with but one on top of the other made Chicken Little rear her ugly head. There have been some moments where I wanted to give up completely.

We are starting to get our Green Card application together and one requirement is a medical exam done by a doctor who is approved by immigration. I really had no idea what to expect at our first appointment today. As we entered the waiting room, an elderly Ukranian woman moved across the room to give us space to sit together and also so that she could more easily try to piece together a conversation with a young African mother. We sat there with Sweet One looking around the room (and once she got comfortable she would smile at anyone who'd look at her!), we heard Ukranian being spoken between this woman and three others who appeared to be part of her family. Another young man joined them shortly before they all left together and I overheard that this woman has seven sons, five of whom are "here in America with me". After all these people left there was an Indian man with us in the room. Sweet One kept smiling at him and laughing as she looked out the window. At one point he said something to the effect that it doesn't matter what happens, once she smiles like she does the whole room lights up. We agreed.

The waiting room we spent so much time in was unlike any other I have seen. The carpet was thin like you often will find in an office but it was also quite dirty. There was a LittleTikes picnic table in the middle of the room. Clothing on a rack and in boxes suggested to us that those who needed them would take them. The chairs creaked and appeared to be quite old. Information posters on the wall were in languages other than english. It was obvious to us that this office dealt with many immigrants and that they have a lot of patients in on any given day. I learned later from the nurse that they also care for a large number of refugees as well as regular Americans. In the end, it was clear to us that this clinic did everything they could for those who would not be able to get help from the regular private practices that one finds in this country.

After I was done with the nurse I sat with Sweet One playing quietly with my keys as I held her on my lap. I continued to pay attention to what was going on around me. A nurse was holding something with WIC on it, trying to find out from the couple she was talking to if the mother could prove an address and income. Quite honestly, it didn't seem like they could. English also seemed to be a struggle for them and any attempt to guess which country they came from would be futile. (I wouldn't be surprised if it was somewhere along the lines of Vietnam or Thailand but that is a huge guess.) There was also talk of a child who did not gain any weight and had shrunk in height. They were going to remeasure and luckily there was a mistake of 2 inches!

We spent close to an hour and a half there and most of it was in the waiting room. I can honestly say that it was a sobering experience. I've been worrying about a leaking bathroom ceiling that could fall in because our house is poorly insulated and the heat loss has been causing some ice build up. Big Love's paychecks will be smaller than the previous year because of a mistake made by the administrative assistant. I'm so sick of always having to plan supper and go grocery shopping, it feels like a never ending process. Seriously? "For fukk sake, wake up!" I said to myself as Sweet One and I sat eating our modest suppers after we had gotten home - me, left over brown rice and kidney beans and her, rice noodles and my kidney beans. (It will still make me laugh when I'll find a good portion of those beans in her diaper tomorrow, completely undigested!) We own a house that is our home; we get a paycheck two times a month and there is no chance of Big Love losing this job; we have food and the ability to get more if we run out; I have a husband who adores me and a daughter who amazes me every day! These people that I watched would probably give anything to be able to have what I have.

The next time I'm frustrated because I haven't been able to replenish my wardrobe with new clothes that fit, or that we're coming close to the end of the month and we haven't saved as much as I would have liked, or that my DVR messed up and didn't tape the show it was supposed to, I hope I can focus more on what we do have and not what I think we lack. Perhaps I'll be able to send Chicken Little on her way for good.