Saturday, April 27, 2013

9 months later

A week ago when we were at our Saturday place for cinnamon buns (a local artisan bakery which we love), I saw a photo on the wall that came from the next door art store. It is of a bit of a dark 'spot' in the trees. Like a quiet place one might find to go and sit. Rays of sunshine are making their way through the branches to light to it a little at a time. I fell in love with it. I've never felt a connection with a photo the way I do with that one. It was on my mind the moment we walked in the store. To say it spoke to me sounds cheesy but that is absolutely true. I felt deep down that I needed to have it. It was $175. I didn't have the money for it but I couldn't take the risk of it disappearing.

I went next door and spoke with the store owner. I told her something was drawing me to that picture and that I wanted it but I didn't have the money right. She told me for $5 down, it is mine and I can pay as I can until I reach the total. No time limit. "You should have an emotional experience when you buy a piece of art."

I nearly cried. I had no worries about committing to the price. (That was quite surprising in itself!) She let me take a small sold sign to place on the picture and I couldn't have been happier. Something in that picture speaks a truth to me that I am only beginning to understand.

I got home and was glancing through Facebook. Sweet One said she wanted to see "that picture". I pulled up my profile picture, saw my father holding me at about 1 year old and both of us completely covered in diaper cream. I looked at the date in the lower right corner of my computer. 9 months ago today he died.

So much is churning inside of me. One thing is somehow connected to the next. I'm singing again, I'm finding beauty in things I see. But most of all, I'm learning to trust my inner voice.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Starting 35

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was stuck in a funk for too much of the day. Thirty was exciting because I was looking forward to getting pregnant (and strangely enough I ovulated on my birthday and had a positive test a few weeks later!) and I saw so much ahead of me. But with 35, I'm done having babies and I really don't know what is ahead. I've been working through so much over the past 9 months and sometimes I have moments of peace but there are a lot more moments when I feel like I have no clue.

Yesterday morning I ventured out into the rain to go for my run. It's been rough getting back to running since the snow has melted, dealing with a hip injury, and I really wanted a good one. When I got to the trail the rain stopped. The run felt ok. Near the end the sun peaked out for two songs. It was the first time I was actually hearing the lyrics in a particular song and this is what I heard:
You've gotta learn to let things go
Start living without fear
Be willing to fall down, there's so much love here
Believe in what you feel
Relax and know that love, will set you free my dear
Jann Ardne's lyrics spoke to so much of what I'm working through right now. I couldn't ignore it. Then when it was over, the clouds covered up the sun and I didn't see it again for the rest of the day.

Today I started singing while I was washing the floors.  It felt somewhat free and easy. I had no choice but to run upstairs and see if I was close to the appropriate key or if it would be higher and therefore much harder to sing. But it wasn't. I was only a semitone off. I phone a friend of mine who just lost her father and asked her if they would like me to sing at the funeral. She started crying and said they would love it. After 4 years of not singing, I'm jumping in with both feet and it feels good. Terrifying and exciting, but completely right.

I got an email today from the director of Residence Life at the school I did my undergrad at. He told me of how he had been thinking of me and a solo I sang a long time ago. The title of the song was "Behold! I make all things new". His son had lost his wife unexpectedly (neither of them would even be 30) shortly after my Dad died and has found a new love. Some beauty after a hard time. I don't usually get emails from this man but to get one today with all those words, well, I can't help but wonder.

I really don't know what is ahead of me but I'm going to try to stay open to what is around me and learn what I can. It could be quite good!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Let go

Everywhere I turn I am being told I need to let go. It is the only way to move on. "The work happens in the let go." I don't know exactly how to do it right now but I'm finding my way, step by step. It's hard. It's terrifying. But during my 35 miles drive home after an appointment with my counselor, I felt a peace that I don't feel that often. Being an INFP, when I can feel something it is my truth. So I take a moment to breathe it in and let the feeling permeate my body. Right now I am where I am supposed to be. It's not the easiest place but there are moments of beauty and light. I believe that when I am through this part of my life, things will be better. I will be better. And it will be worth every moment.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

What's next?

At the end of a long day of traveling we found ourselves in a strange city. While neither of us had ever been to Seattle, save driving from its airport to a hotel further north, it didn't make us nervous. Cities make sense to me. The mass transit, the buildings, the people walking and cycling. I loved it. Little Man was strapped to my back while I pushed Sweet One in the stroller and Big Love hauled the suitcase behind him. At least my cargo sang at the top of her lungs for most of our trek!

I want to be living in a bigger center in the next few years. Right now ourr life in a small town with very small housing costs is manageable but I worry about whether or not we'll be able to manage it. (Yes, one day I do want to go back to work but the idea of what to do and how to make my skills appealing is another post in and of itself.) I see the people walking down the street, I read blogs of young families figuring out their owns lives where they live and I can't stop wondering how we all end up right where we are. I look at lovely houses and gardens with children playing in them and try to picture us in their place. I'm excited at the idea of figuring out how to get where we want to be but also scared because I really have no idea what our options might be. Or even if it is going to happen when I'd like it to happen. (We originally thought we would only live here for 5 years. This July it will be 7!)

Maybe that's my problem. I have no idea. There's no equation that will help me understand why one person lives in a wonderful city while I am in this wee town. We need to take the steps necessary to see where our next stop is but there are moments I'm afraid it will never happen.