Thursday, April 26, 2012

Bad timing under a dreary sky

I decided to set up my son's new 'lil Kawasaki this afternoon. It's been in its box since the beginning of April. I was a little dumb. Well, a lot dumb. The battery needs 18 hours to charge, stickers have to be put on and Sweet One needs to learn how to share.

It ended up with Sweet One throwing a piece of cardboard in her brother's face because she didn't want him to take a turn sitting on it. Time out! Screaming and pitching a fit because a) she didn't want a time out and b) her brother missed her and kept trying to get to her. A three minute time out took a very long time. Both of them were crying. I was trying to get the damn stickers on and Little Man kept trying to crawl up the stairs and get to his sister which led to me bringing him back down and him getting pissed and so he kept crying more. I really thought it would be a nice way to kill some dreary sky time.

Now, many minutes later the dust has settle, the stupid toy is in the basement for no one to play with until a better time and all I can hear is the crackle of rice cakes as they sit at the table and eat a snack. Bliss.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Doesn't fit as I'd like

I finally got the courage to do some sewing. I've had material sitting around for awhile and so I decided to just go for it. Unfortunately, I ended up cutting a pattern a wee bit too small for this postpartum body and chose the too short version. Luckily, I have enough material left over that I can start it again.

I've been struggling with my body these days and I'm not sure if I ever won't. I want to learn to accept it. It gave me two babies who are awesome and I should be happy with that. Right? I've been working out with a few different DVDs at home. I'm getting stronger but I'm not actually losing any weight. I think I need to add more cardio so perhaps on top of doing a workout 5 times a week I can get out for at least 3 real walks with the kids. That might help. Who knows. In the very least, if I can't accept it I need to let Sweet One think that I do so that perhaps she will be happy with hers.

I do know that I'm not absolutely miserable (at least for now) about the fact that 3 hours of sewing has nothing to show for it. And I'm just shaking my head at this pooch of mine. Another time I might have been crying and swearing. So I'm good for now.

I think that's progress.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Somewhere between common sense and hysteria

There are times when I think that I have been plunked down here in this town as a giant sociological experiment. I try to sit and watch and understand people's motivations because there are times when I simply can not understand what is going on.

Take for instance the last two days in our little town. There has been a manhunt. A guy was being served a warrant for something involving theft and drugs as well as possibly shooting at cops. Not great. But to a certain extent, a run-of-the-mill douchebag who has gotten himself into trouble and won't just man up and face the consequences. Instead he runs with a gun. He runs away from the cops in this small town. Through some residential areas. Helicopters, police dogs, law enforcement are all out trying to track him down. And like any smart dumbass he goes into wooded areas where he will be hard to track. So they give up.

Ok. This is something that could happen anywhere. But from my facebook page you'd think that a serial killer had been let loose and was pounding on everyone's doors trying to get in! People have been terrified. "Pray for the safety of our children!" (I do that everyday anyway.) "There's a crazy man in your neighborhood and he has a gun! Lock your doors!" (Ok. I did lock my doors. Common sense. We lock ours most of the time.) "Search is called off and now this crazy man is making my children stay inside on such a beautiful day!" (I let mine play outside. As usual.)

Seriously? I just don't get it. If I were living in a city I wouldn't have thought twice about it. There is a fine line between being safe and being paranoid. A friend of mine actually packed up her kids and high tailed it out of town to stay at her mother's because she said she wouldn't be able to sleep with her husband out of town. 

At no point did they consider that there was a risk of him going on a shooting rampage so really. A school was locked down for awhile because it was common sense to keep the kids in when the suspect was in the area. I just don't know how it got to the point that people were so afraid he'd be right on their doorstep ready to pounce. I'm a person of moderation (or at least I try to be) and I strongly feel that this situation was made worse because of the small town hysteria that surrounded it.

(We mentioned it to my inlaws. They checked out newspaper article online and actually found it funny how everyone was going crazy!)

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I know what my problem is

I've been struggling with some bouts of depression and frustration over the past few months. While I know I need to find some time, kid free, for myself and to do something creative, I've recently figured out what the everyday problem is. I'm BORED! I do nearly the same thing day in and day out - juggling naps, make food, spend time on the computer, go for walks, watch tv. It's all the same and I'm fukking bored of it! I need to figure out some way to find purpose in these days. I hate being bored.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Kitchen of your nightmares!

I watch House Hunters and Property Virgins every once in awhile. Most of the time I'm watching them to see what houses are costing in different places and sometimes it scares me. I'm afraid we won't ever be able to afford a house in a bigger center. I'm afraid that with my crappy kitchen, no one is going to want to buy my house (especially in an area where houses take awhile to sell).

Then there are moments that I almost laugh out loud at the "ew, that kitchen isn't big enough" or "I want more of an open concept". Open concepts are awesome. When I'm in the kitchen, there's a huge wall between me and the kids. Often I'm running between the two as I'm trying to get food ready because short of me grabbing a sledge hammer and creating an impromptu window, there is no way to see what is going on in the living room.

So here's three views of my kitchen:
1) This is really how it looks at any given time. Counter space is limited, time to completely clear everything off is even more limited with the kids to chase. The lack of cupboard space also makes it hard to find places for things.
 2) That wall that looks rather empty is about 99 inches long. We are going to get some plain white swedish cabinets (once we can find a vehicle to bring them back in) to help make the kitchen a little more functional. I'm SICK of running downstairs to grab canned goods when I need them. Hopefully, this will also give us a little more working counter space and take some of the crap factor out of the kitchen.
 3) We're also going to replace the floors and get new counter tops. The only reason we have a full size stove is because we got rid of 6" of counter space so it could fit in there. Six inches doesn't sound like a lot. But it was. And I miss it daily.
Is your kitchen looking better to you now? (I'm so funny.) One day maybe I'll have a nicer kitchen that was designed by someone not getting into the hooch. Perhaps it will even have a dishwasher! But for now, I'll just have to live with mine.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Keeping up with The Boys

A few days ago, the kids and I joined our friends who live across the street. It's pretty much where we spent the majority of our afternoons. Sweet One plays with The Boys (individually here after referred in their order of birth 1, 2 and 3), I chat with their mom and Little Man does what he does. 

This particular afternoon, Sweet One would not stop screaming at 3 and 2 to stop and slow down because they were scaring her. They were on their scooters, flying back and forth along the sidewalk while Sweet One ran alongside, desperately trying to keep up. She didn't want her bike. She wouldn't do anything else. No begging, pleading or bartering would help the situation. She was inconsolable. I had no idea what to do. After awhile, Daddio (their father) suggested I get her helmet and let her try the scooter. After all, 3 was on a scooter when he was 2 years old. I fought the urge to wet myself. She'd fall and it might chop off her arm! Or smash her beautiful face! The idea quite honestly scared me. I inwardly pondered it for awhile. Worried. Anxious. Desperately wanting to stop Sweet One from screaming but also wanting to keep her safe. I thought out loud a little bit more, chatting with Daddio and he explained that I could have 'that guy' hold her on it .... huh? Oh! Big Love was just arriving back from work. Yay! He's better at being brave with these things. (After all, the only reason Clare flew down a hill covered in snow by herself two winters ago was because I was at home sewing and he was with her!) I was relieved that Big Love could make 'the big decision' and I could blame him if she ended up in the ER! He figured it couldn't hurt.

We got her her helmet and from then nothing stopped her. She wouldn't let us help her and spent a very long time trying to figure it out on her own. Patiently doing it at her own pace. So happy to be doing what the boys were doing. So proud of herself.

Today we were coming home from a shopping trip and we saw the boys out playing. "Can I go and ride a scooter?" We weren't quite sure what the boys were up to but after asking to borrow and scooter and being told yes, it was another hour or so of working on her scootering skills. She's doing so well. Still not fast enough to scare me, but slowly finding her balance. In a few days, she'll be freestyling. And I'll be taking Xanax.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

SAHM Seeking Confidence

Well, it seems a lack of confidence in my abilities is overwhelming me these days. I started reading a book my friend loaned me called Your Three Year Old. I've read the first chapter where they explain characteristics of the age and I didn't recognize anything until they started talking about 3 1/2.

Sweet One has definitely passed into the realm of 3 1/2 a few months early and this is not an easy stage. Quite frankly, I hate it. I don't feel like I am handling any of the challenges this stage presents in a decent way Sweet One can lose her mind over anything from eating to getting dressed. In between those moments she can be the most wonderful little girl in the world to the point that I wonder if I was imagining the tantrum that happened only moments before! But the moment we get back to a crappy moment I lose my mind as if we never had the lovely time at all! I don't like how I handle myself these days. I feel like shit about it. One reason for all this is maybe that Sweet One and I are a lot alike. (Didn't someone once tell me about a mother's curse?) Right now I'm wishing we had the money to send her to preschool next year. I think she'd love the learning and I'd love the break from her! Perhaps the challenges that preschool could give her would alleviate some of our issues. Unfortunately, I just don't think we'll be able to come up with the cash. Then again, Big Love mentioned that things could be completely different by then. It's all so dumb sometimes!

I'm convinced that the other reason why I can't get a grip on how I'm handling things is the fact that I don't have anything for myself outside of being a mum. I need to do something that gets my creative juices going! I'm hoping that maybe sewing a few things might help with this. The biggest problem to simply getting started is that I'm lacking a lot of confidence in that area. I used to make myself a skirt once in awhile and I have a number of dresses I made for myself but the shorts and shirt I screwed last summer are casting a huge shadow over everything. I do want to sew a few things for the kids, as these are often much more successful projects, but I need new clothes myself and suck at shopping so I'd like to not suck so much at sewing my own clothes! I'd even take a course or two but I can't seem to find any in my area. I have two cuts of fabric waiting to be made into projects. They're there. Washed. Staring me in the face every day. Now I just need to get sewing.

It seems as if I'm the only one lacking confidence. Would you believe that Sweet One started trying to ride a scooter yesterday? I was a little scared. But leading up to this, two of the boys were zooming back and forth while Sweet One screamed at them to stop and be careful. No matter what I did, she wouldn't stop screaming. After awhile their dad said, "Why don't you go and get her helmet and let her ride that one. The youngest one was riding a scooter at her age." He was right. The kid was and he was fine. I was scared but Big Love was behind me as he had just gotten back from work and he's much better at the "it can't hurt" approach. So we went ahead. The moment we asked her if she would like to try riding a scooter she stopped screaming. She was excited and ready to figure it out. She didn't get going very fast at all but she had so much patience with herself. For over an hour she kept trying and trying at her own pace, not getting mad when she'd couldn't go as fast as the boys.

I need to find some of the confidence I used to have in my abilities. More patience with myself wouldn't hurt either. Maybe this little girl is going to keep teaching me how to be a better person.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

Little Man's birthday was this past Sunday and it was wonderful. Unbeknownst to me, Sweet One was having a second wave of being sick (which then got diagnosed as a sinus infection on Tuesday) but she sure didn't show it as she played with their friends and fulfilled her role as the little host very well. She passed out the balloons and the treats. She also helped Little Man open his gifts!

Little Man spent most of his time showing off his new walking skills. It blew my mind that only three days before he took four little steps to me and by Sunday he was putting a dozen together! These little kids and their ability to master new skills will never cease to amaze me.

One of my favorite parts of this party was that we had kids there. When Sweet One turned 1 our guests were six adults all past the age of retirement. It is so nice that things have changed in the past three years. I had some crafts for the kids to do because I was a little worried about having 9 adults and 7 kids in my little house but the chaos ended up seeming more manageable that I had anticipated.

Little Man wanted nothing to do with the cupcakes of his cake, preferring the chocolate head instead. He isn't that much unlike the caterpillar - gorging himself when he can so that his body can always be ready for the new ways he will grow!
 I still have a lot to learn about cake decorating, but I was happy that the only after photo I have of it involved crumbs and a few leftovers rather than a crime scene of dolls and icing!
We're told over and over as parents to enjoy it while it lasts. They'll never be as little as they are right now. And it is true. The immensity of growth and change that happens in a child's first year is not something I have the words to describe. I only know that a year ago he was my little helpless baby who did not much more than to eat, poop and sleep. Now he is blazing his own path, a few steps at a time, as he learns to walk and voice his opinion in the only ways he can. The smile in his eyes when he sees me will melt my heart forever, just as the way he flops his head sideways on me to say, "I love you, MumMum!". I want to hold these moments forever because I know it won't be long before he is a three year old who is making me wonder if I'm going to survive the year! (Yes, today had some particularly difficult minutes! A few of which I wish I could change.)

Happy Birthday, Little Man. You are amazing. I don't know what I would do without you and I hope I can mother you in the way you deserve and help you grow to be a confident and courageous man.