Trusting the world with My Girl

It is hard trying to trust my girl in the world when I can't always be there to hold her hand. She's doing so well at school and having to keep to her schedule has really helped me get more done because I have less time to sit around when I'm bored. It has been really good for all of us.

There are two sides of the population of this school. One is made up of students who live close to the local College campus where homes and taxes are a little more pricey and the other one is of students who live in a low income housing community. Before Sweet One started school a dear friend of ours who taught there for many years summed it up for us: You'll see those who have a lot and those who don't. There isn't a whole lot of in between. I think we'd be some of the few classified as in between. There have already been some incidences of challenging behaviour from some of her classmates which have proved to be a bit of a surprise. With the support and strong encouragement of her wonderful teacher, my girl is learning to hold her ground. 

At a recent Parent Teacher Conference we learned that academically she's already passed the markers they want them to achieve for the end of Kindergarten so that's easy part of it all! They are already working on reading (She seems to have learned how to read overnight without us teaching her! It's like she's always known how.) and math. I didn't do that until I was in Grade 1! While I know it is great for my girl, I worry for those who are not ready for it and how it might cause them to act out even more than they already are. Especially if they don't have the support behind them at home.

Making new friends at school has also brought with it a birthday invitation. I've said she can go. We went to Wally's Mart so she could pick out the birthday present all by herself. Initially I felt like it would be fine but it is very scary to send her into someone else's house who I do not know. It is all so new. I can not tell you what the anxiety-prone part of my mind is doing to me. I volunteered at the school awhile back and it was nice to have the opportunity to put some names and faces together. The birthday girl is sweet and I can't see how a bad family situation would create that. From what I can tell she's living with her Grandparents. The likelihood of her getting hurt in someway at something like this is very low so why am I being ridiculous?! I've taught her that she can call us if she is ever somewhere she doesn't feel safe. And if the people won't let her use the phone to just take it. 

I want to trust this world. I want to believe in the inherent good in this world. But it is all so scary for me when I hear stories on the news and other places. I guess that's one of the problems with so much focus being on what is wrong with this world and the evils of it. We don't focus on the good things. I do truly believe I need to trust her in and as a part of this world. To do good and to take her big beautiful heart with her and hopefully help someone have a better day. So despite how scary it is for me, I will send her to this part and trust God to take care of my little girl. Unless, of course, she wakes up with a fever or something!

Thankful for the hard times and what they will teach me

We've been hit with a snowstorm about a month earlier than is the norm for this part of the country. I love the beauty of snow ... how it covers everything in a soft blanket as it sleeps, waiting for the spring. It sparkles and as my daughter keeps reminding me, it surrounds us with snow fairies that we can see only if we believe.

Despite all the beauty of winter I'm frustrated that my running outdoors season has been cut short by almost a month. I love getting outside and running. I was just starting to get past some of my injuries that started last April and seemed to plagued me incessantly, my body trying to explain to me something that is going on which I have yet to understand. I have a 5k on December 7th. It is the same 5k that was my very first ever last year. I want to do well. I want to kick ass at it. Not getting out to run for the next week makes me fear I am not going to do well.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I have all the fixin's ready for dinner. It will be just the four of us, again. It feels lonely. Another time of year when it is impossible for us to be with family. Sweet One is so absolutely excited about tomorrow and the fact that it is almost December. She can't say December without sounding like she is telling me the most magical secret in the entire world. I need to continue to look with her eyes when things are hard.

Ever since moving to this country I have always felt like Thanksgiving is a big celebration that starts off the Christmas season. In Canada, Thanksgiving is just Thanksgiving. That is our focus. But within a few hours of filling up on everything we are supposed to be thankful for, a large portion of the population down here will line up on the cold sidewalk only to barge into a store with their elbows out, fighting almost to the death for that next great deal. I saw neighbours returning home last year after a night of no sleep and a day of crowds. They looked like they had been hit by a truck! I don't really understand it.

When all is said and done, I miss my Dad. On December 15th he would have been a whopping 64 years old. Sure, we would have made jokes, but his candles would never set off the fire extinguisher. So maybe everything right now is all about that loss. Another year when he will be missing from the home of my siblings. A miracle might have happened that perhaps we would have found a way to mend the bridge and maybe he could have been missing from my home at this time of year, but I don't know. "...a miracle is just a shift in perception."

And so again I will take it all breath by breath. Learning to be compassionate and gentle with myself and trying to be open to the Divine Guidance I will be given so that I can see the beauty in all of this.

Birthday Surprises

Sweet One had an amazing time at her birthday party. The cake didn't fall on the floor like last year, she and her friends had fun running around and playing in the church's gym, she got spoiled with an official Disney Tangled dress complete with a braided headband, an official Tinkerbell dress (which she is wearing as she watches Secret of the Wings which her uncle gave her) and more things that she is loving. Today is her actual birthday and so we had a special waffles and strawberries breakfast and some more gift opening. Yesterday we opened just the ones from friends at the party and today I'm trying to spread them out throughout the day! We'll end with dinner at Wendy's and home for more cake and ice cream.

Along with all of Sweet One's surprises, I got my own today. I had just finished working out in the attic and decided to look for my diamond a bit. The whole time I thought I was wasting my time but I checked one more spot and there it was, sitting on a floorboard, shining a wee bit! It's been a very good day!

Perfect

The other day Sweet One and I were about to read Robert Munsch's, Kiss Me, I'm Perfect! We both love Munsch's books and I've been slowly been getting each and every one of them from the library and we're enjoying it immensely.

"What book do you want to read?"
"Kiss Me, I'm Perfect!"
"Yes you are," and I planted a kiss on her cheek.
"I don't want to be perfect.
"Do you just want to be Sweet One?"
"Yes. But I'd still love to have a kiss!"

Sweet One's Mortimer moment

I was happy when we were able to go on short trips and leave the portable DVD behind. In its place we listen to Robert Munsch telling his stories. Sweet One gets very involved and shouts along with the kids who are also in the recording enjoying the catchy lines that Munsch writes into each and every one of his stories. I remember listening to these on a couple road trips with a good friend and her young daughter and the nostalgia of listening to these stories again - well, it's definitely one of my favorite moments.

Three nights ago Sweet One went to sleep as she has for I don't know how long. Stories, lights out and to sleep. After stages where it was a challenge, it was great to have her going to sleep so well again. Then something switched. She wanted a nightlight on in her room and for two nights I obliged. Being a person who is light sensitive at night myself I was worried that it might affect her sleep but it didn't seem to. She slept quite soundly, despite being sick, for two nights.

Last night this kid absolutely did not live up to her name. She was rude, lippy and quite honestly, a little bitch! We took away a few items that are her favorite to play with for today and finally got her quiet. I left her room around 8:15 and was relieved when we didn't hear much more protest.

9:15. "Clang, clang, rattle bing bang, gonna make my  noise all day..." at the top of her freakin' lungs! It was ridiculous both in the hilarity that she was now quoting "Mortimer" and the fact that it seemed to have come out of nowhere. The twenty minutes that followed with screaming and the protests of having the nightlight moved into the closet so the light wasn't directly on her face was a fukking gong show that I really hope is not repeated any time soon. We survived, a little worse for wear and not nearly as relaxed as we often are when we go to sleep.

This morning seems to be off to an earlier start than usual for Little Man and a not-so-Sweet One who is pissed off that we have confiscated her new scissors. It's 7:15 and I have already put her back into her room because I will not listen to her being a rude little bitch all day. Not so sure I'm going to survive her being three and a half. But I know someday we are going to laugh our asses off at our little Mortimer going off an hour after we thought she was sleeping!s

It's not me, it's you

Sweet One is going to be in a dance recital tomorrow and she was so damn cute at the dress rehearsal that I almost died. Perhaps Big Love will need a quick course in CPR before tomorrow! She's in a Creative Movement class and a tumbling class. In the run through for the tumbling they were doing leap frog and she practically jumped on her friend's head at which me and her mother started laughing so hard WE bumped heads together. So fun. Definitely a great mom moment.

But what is pissing me off right now is the bad taste I have in mouth after trying to be polite and strike up a conversation with one of the other moms. Really, I shouldn't be surprised because this woman has made no attempt to converse with any of us other moms in the four and a half months we've been attending the classes. She mentioned being a member at one of the local country clubs and while my friend and I were trying to be friendly and chat a bit, she wouldn't even look at us. Seriously. Quite a bitchy thing to do. But I take these moments personally and waste too much time stewing and feeling shitty about myself after they happen. When really, I wasn't the one being a bitch.

So I'll smile, be happy that I was able to be there with a friend while Sweet One got to enjoy the whole experience with her friend. And be happy with that. Because it is good.

Worth a thousand bucks

Sweet One likes to hang out with me when I'm working out. She'll sit on the piano bench at the desk where the portable DVD player sits (I don't actually watch the DVDs, just listen) and tell me if I'm doing it right. Once in awhile she tells me how to fix it, "You need to do this, Mom!" as she does something with her body. Other times she might try to imitate what I'm doing. It's really cute.

This morning she spent nearly the whole half hour with me as I desperately tried to do my pilates. After awhile she got bored, went downstairs and returned with her little case of markers. She sat on the floor beside me and quietly drew a picture. It was the first time it resembled something. Up until now she's usually just scribbled here and there. I was so proud of her. And then she told me what it was:

"It's you exercising, Mom!"

She then tried to stick it on the closet door but it didn't work because it needed something sticky. Now residing on our fridge, I'm so excited that she's crossed this developmental milestone and will start creating wonderful things!

(And yes, it is quite likely that it resembles what I look like, trying to work away my pooch!)

Keeping up with The Boys

A few days ago, the kids and I joined our friends who live across the street. It's pretty much where we spent the majority of our afternoons. Sweet One plays with The Boys (individually here after referred in their order of birth 1, 2 and 3), I chat with their mom and Little Man does what he does. 

This particular afternoon, Sweet One would not stop screaming at 3 and 2 to stop and slow down because they were scaring her. They were on their scooters, flying back and forth along the sidewalk while Sweet One ran alongside, desperately trying to keep up. She didn't want her bike. She wouldn't do anything else. No begging, pleading or bartering would help the situation. She was inconsolable. I had no idea what to do. After awhile, Daddio (their father) suggested I get her helmet and let her try the scooter. After all, 3 was on a scooter when he was 2 years old. I fought the urge to wet myself. She'd fall and it might chop off her arm! Or smash her beautiful face! The idea quite honestly scared me. I inwardly pondered it for awhile. Worried. Anxious. Desperately wanting to stop Sweet One from screaming but also wanting to keep her safe. I thought out loud a little bit more, chatting with Daddio and he explained that I could have 'that guy' hold her on it .... huh? Oh! Big Love was just arriving back from work. Yay! He's better at being brave with these things. (After all, the only reason Clare flew down a hill covered in snow by herself two winters ago was because I was at home sewing and he was with her!) I was relieved that Big Love could make 'the big decision' and I could blame him if she ended up in the ER! He figured it couldn't hurt.

We got her her helmet and from then nothing stopped her. She wouldn't let us help her and spent a very long time trying to figure it out on her own. Patiently doing it at her own pace. So happy to be doing what the boys were doing. So proud of herself.

Today we were coming home from a shopping trip and we saw the boys out playing. "Can I go and ride a scooter?" We weren't quite sure what the boys were up to but after asking to borrow and scooter and being told yes, it was another hour or so of working on her scootering skills. She's doing so well. Still not fast enough to scare me, but slowly finding her balance. In a few days, she'll be freestyling. And I'll be taking Xanax.