I haven't been here very much lately. Not a single post in May. It wasn't because things weren't happening because it was actually quite a busy month. The kids and I traveled up to Toronto to meet my mom for a few days and then near the end of the month my sister and her kids made it to our house. This visit was a big deal in my world because it was the first time my sister came to my house.
I'm not sure why it is but when I'm visiting with my family there is so much that happens for me emotionally. With my mom, it was learning to let go of the mother I often wish she would be and know that I am still ok if she is unable to listen to what I'm saying. With my sister, well I can't sum it up into a little sentence but I do know that I started the visit out feeling like I desperately needed her approval for so much but it didn't end that way. I really loved having her here. The week ended too quickly.
Now I'm stuck in the stage of kids who will go to bed perfectly one night and then they spend a chunk of time the next talking to each other. Right now, Little Man is calling his sister over and over. Sometimes in the morning Sweet One tells me that she snuggled Little Man so that he could go to sleep. I absolutely love it. She is becoming incredibly protective of her little brother. Just the other day he was almost knocked over by a 5 year old on his bike. It took her very little time to be by his side with her arm around him to make sure he was perfectly fine. If there is one thing I hope to do as their mother is to teach them to care for one another.
Now my focus is on trying to get a few things done around the house and prepare for our road trip. We will have close to 30 hours of traveling (in one direction) to get to the place where we will bury my Dad's ashes. We're driving mostly because it is much cheaper than flying and also because we thought it might be fun to see the sites on the way. Also, if the kids get restless, we can just get out of the car and go explore something. We'll have 6 states to check out as we head west and then return. It could be very interesting! Our furthest point west is going to be Mount Rushmore. I was there once a long time ago with my family on one of our trips.
So nothing too exciting but still a lot in my world. Now to get the motivation to get some work done on my damn porch!
Showing posts with label alittlebitofnothing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alittlebitofnothing. Show all posts
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
Happy Christmas!
It's been a hard December. My Dad's birthday was on December 15. Instead of spending that Saturday stuck in the house with the kids, as I usually do, a friend and I took our four kids to a wonderful little place to look at Christmas Lane. Not sure what I do without my new friend in my life!
This is the first year since Sweet One was born that I attended church throughout the Advent season and Christmas Eve. It has been nice because I feel like it has been more meaningful ... the last two years I've felt disappointed. Being at church has definitely filled whatever I felt was missing.
I miss my Dad. I'm sad for my sister and her kids who had him as such a big part of their Christmas. There is so much more but I have no energy and I don't know if I've managed to process it into words, yet.
I've been trying to focus on all the wonder that Sweet One and Little Man have been finding in the season. They loved putting up our outdoor Christmas lights, our advent treats and story book have been something that has become a part of our days, decorating the tree - Little Man still walks up to it and is completely dazzled by the shiny bulbs and all the other ornaments. Well, these are what have been keeping me going. I'm looking forward to the morning and all excitement the kids will bring to the day.
Happy Christmas. I hope your time is spent enjoying time with those you love and finding some peaceful moments.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Learning Curve
Recently I had Big Love add the kids to our Optional Dental Plan. Or rather, it should be named Giant Waste of Money!
I can not describe just how much the health insurance system scared me when we moved to this country. I didn't even go and see a doctor until we had been here for almost three years simply because it intimidated me and, fortunately, I never had a need. But when Big Love was handed a pile of papers to fill out and sign when he first started his job here, there was one that was for a Dental Plan. Without looking into how much it was going to cost us we signed up. We figured it'd be great to have that coverage.
The open enrollment period for the Optional Dental Plan and other things available to Big Love through his pension plan came around and I asked him to get the kids added. Sweet One needs a cleaning and who knows what might come up with Little Man. A few days later he told me that it was an additional $50 per month. I almost passed out. How could it be that much when it would only cost me $65 to get Sweet One's teeth cleaned? It didn't make sense.
So I looked into it further and over the past six years we have probably paid nearly $4500 in dental premiums. I can honestly tell you that had we paid cash we would not have paid anything close to it. Cleanings are under $100, I've had one cavity that needed to be fixed up and still had to pay $100 for deductibles, etc. We decided we were being ripped off. Especially when the annual cost would be $1400 now that we added the kids.
Needless to say, the kids are being removed and come January 1st, we are going to be removed as well. I'll take the extra $60 per month that had previously been paid into the plan, put it in another bank account and use it for dental fees. I'm absolutely convinced that at the end of the year I will have a nice little collection of pennies for my savings.
I can only chuckle at how much money got thrown down the drain for this. We didn't even use it for the first year or two! Insane. Well, the insurance agency made some nice cash off of us and we learned a lesson we won't forget.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Scrambled
My Dad wasn't part of my daily life for the past four years. I made that choice to stop hurting so much and it helped. But it doesn't help the fact that he isn't on this earth anymore. Each night I pray that he will watch my children grow and help them when I can't. But it doesn't seem possible. It doesn't make sense to me that he isn't still alive.
The two month anniversary was hard. It is actually a three day thing for me because there is the day that he fell and two days later he was taken off of life support. Something starts to stir a few days before it all begins and once it hit this time, well there were moments that were not pretty. I yelled at Big Love for not understanding that it is still so hard, for bringing something up in an indirect way, for buying the wrong dilly bars .... I couldn't make sense of what was going on but I needed more understanding and patience from him. (I had never actually yelled at him before.) We ended up laughing a bit together at the end of that 'conversation' so I know things will be ok.
I will be ok. I am not right now. But I will be. Everything seems scrambled inside of me. There is just so much I can't make sense of. I'm making it through the day but it is all so exhausting. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it is still there. I'm so tired. We've had sickness in this house for 2.5 weeks and it is not helping anything..
I have hope that it won't always hurt and that I won't always be sad. Another appointment on Friday but I'm starting to think that 2.5 weeks is a little too long between them.
Being so far away is hard. Technology promises us that it will be easier to get a hold of people and right now it is not fulfilling its promise. I know they have so much going on in their own worlds but not hearing from some people leaves me feeling a little bit worried and empty.
Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and things will seem brighter. We're going away to a cabin for two nights starting Monday and it will be nice to be in the quiet stillness.
But I'm just too tired to think or to make any progress anywhere and so I will watch some tv. Because it is nice to just shut off if I can't get anywhere.
***
Sometimes I annoy myself. Like when I wake up the next morning and realize that PMS snuck (is that a word? blogger says it is not.) up on me and could be why last night felt so stoopid!
The two month anniversary was hard. It is actually a three day thing for me because there is the day that he fell and two days later he was taken off of life support. Something starts to stir a few days before it all begins and once it hit this time, well there were moments that were not pretty. I yelled at Big Love for not understanding that it is still so hard, for bringing something up in an indirect way, for buying the wrong dilly bars .... I couldn't make sense of what was going on but I needed more understanding and patience from him. (I had never actually yelled at him before.) We ended up laughing a bit together at the end of that 'conversation' so I know things will be ok.
I will be ok. I am not right now. But I will be. Everything seems scrambled inside of me. There is just so much I can't make sense of. I'm making it through the day but it is all so exhausting. Even if I'm not actively thinking about it, it is still there. I'm so tired. We've had sickness in this house for 2.5 weeks and it is not helping anything..
I have hope that it won't always hurt and that I won't always be sad. Another appointment on Friday but I'm starting to think that 2.5 weeks is a little too long between them.
Being so far away is hard. Technology promises us that it will be easier to get a hold of people and right now it is not fulfilling its promise. I know they have so much going on in their own worlds but not hearing from some people leaves me feeling a little bit worried and empty.
Maybe I'll get a good night's sleep tonight and things will seem brighter. We're going away to a cabin for two nights starting Monday and it will be nice to be in the quiet stillness.
But I'm just too tired to think or to make any progress anywhere and so I will watch some tv. Because it is nice to just shut off if I can't get anywhere.
***
Sometimes I annoy myself. Like when I wake up the next morning and realize that PMS snuck (is that a word? blogger says it is not.) up on me and could be why last night felt so stoopid!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Happy Customer
I don't spend a whole lot of money. We have what we need and a little more but we do live on one salary with two kids and so sometimes I worry about money. I worry if the purchase I'm making is going to be my best value, if it is going to last (I hate buying cheap crap that I have to replace) and if we really need it. I also hope that when I do spend some money that companies will stand by their product. On a few occasions I have emailed companies to say that while I have loved their product, things haven't worked quite as well as I'd like.
My Lug bag. I got it from my mom for Christmas. It is big enough to hold all my stuff, a few basic things for the kids but not nearly as big as a diaper bag. I love all the little pockets. But one of the pockets blew it's bottom out. I really didn't stuff too many things in there.
In my letter to their customer service representative, I also mentioned that I envied the Lug bags my sister had before me and was so excited to finally have a few of my own! It had a one year warranty and so I took care of all of the things I needed to do on my end and within a week I had a new one at my door.
About this time last year I started thinking that we needed another humidifier so each of the kids could have one in the room they slept in. We had a Crane Cow which was working great and so incredibly quiet. A great deal on the Penguin came through during the summer but I didn't grab it then and I was kicking myself that I hadn't. So I stalked it, hoping it would come down in price. We even went away on a little trip and I had my friend stalk it for me. Instead, she just bought us one because she claimed they killed our cheaper and noisier one that I had given them. I thought she was being ridiculous but I was very appreciative of her gift. Unfortunately, it had a strange rattle that happened at different times. I didn't do anything about it because I could prop it up in some way to stop the rattling. The biggest problem was that if that didn't hold and it started rattling in the middle of the night, Sweet One would wake up scared from the noise.
Last Monday night Sweet One was struggling with breathing due to a cold and so we pulled out the penguin. It started rattling like crazy immediately. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get it to shut up. The next day I emailed and within 15 minutes of sending that email I was working with the representative on whether or not I could get a replacement without a receipt. Today my new Penguin arrived. I am beyond impressed with this service!
So if you'd like a Lug bag that is good shape except for a little blow out, I'll send you my old one!
***Update***
Set up the humidifier. Sweet One was so excited to have a new penguin and she cried once I realized it made a huge noise as well along with a huge crack in the front. I guess we'll see. On another note, the cow seems to be not working well. Damn hard water, so hard on appliances.
My Lug bag. I got it from my mom for Christmas. It is big enough to hold all my stuff, a few basic things for the kids but not nearly as big as a diaper bag. I love all the little pockets. But one of the pockets blew it's bottom out. I really didn't stuff too many things in there.
In my letter to their customer service representative, I also mentioned that I envied the Lug bags my sister had before me and was so excited to finally have a few of my own! It had a one year warranty and so I took care of all of the things I needed to do on my end and within a week I had a new one at my door.
About this time last year I started thinking that we needed another humidifier so each of the kids could have one in the room they slept in. We had a Crane Cow which was working great and so incredibly quiet. A great deal on the Penguin came through during the summer but I didn't grab it then and I was kicking myself that I hadn't. So I stalked it, hoping it would come down in price. We even went away on a little trip and I had my friend stalk it for me. Instead, she just bought us one because she claimed they killed our cheaper and noisier one that I had given them. I thought she was being ridiculous but I was very appreciative of her gift. Unfortunately, it had a strange rattle that happened at different times. I didn't do anything about it because I could prop it up in some way to stop the rattling. The biggest problem was that if that didn't hold and it started rattling in the middle of the night, Sweet One would wake up scared from the noise.
Last Monday night Sweet One was struggling with breathing due to a cold and so we pulled out the penguin. It started rattling like crazy immediately. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to get it to shut up. The next day I emailed and within 15 minutes of sending that email I was working with the representative on whether or not I could get a replacement without a receipt. Today my new Penguin arrived. I am beyond impressed with this service!
So if you'd like a Lug bag that is good shape except for a little blow out, I'll send you my old one!
***Update***
Set up the humidifier. Sweet One was so excited to have a new penguin and she cried once I realized it made a huge noise as well along with a huge crack in the front. I guess we'll see. On another note, the cow seems to be not working well. Damn hard water, so hard on appliances.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Sad Sack
There's been a chunk of things running through my brain lately that have to do with Little Man going to sleep, my first appointment back with my counselor, preparing clothes for a consignment sale and a new CD I have that I love which has also surprised me .... but in the end I've been kicked onto my ass by a nasty sinus cold. Big Love can not remember the last time I was this sick. I'm not joking when I say the Sweet One watched tv nearly all day yesterday. Every time I cough I feel like I'm losing part of my esophagus. And so tonight I will again retire to the couch and lie there like a sad sack of something. I will drink two packages of my "Wal-Flu Severe Cough and Cold" (where is the Neo-Citran in this country?!) while watching Parenthood plus a few more shoes and then hopefully go to sleep slightly drugged as I did last night. (Holy shit the typos I've had in this post! Time to stop!)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Zzzzzzzz
For most of the time since little man was born 17.5 months ago I never slept through the night. I'd be lucky if I could get 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Most of the time I'd have a few awakenings that last only long enough to see the clock and go back to sleep along with one more full awakening where I got up to use the bathroom. I was exhausted but found some way to manage. Isn't parenthood based on the premise that you will never again get a good night's sleep?
In the week or so that Little Man has been in his own room I am sleeping better. Strange! Perhaps some of my awakenings was from him making noise as he moved around in his sleep or farted in the night. I have no idea. I just love the fact that I am sleeping a little bit better and last I night I think I may have gotten 7.5 hours of sleep. No wake ups!
(You know your life is a little boring when this feels like big news.)
In the week or so that Little Man has been in his own room I am sleeping better. Strange! Perhaps some of my awakenings was from him making noise as he moved around in his sleep or farted in the night. I have no idea. I just love the fact that I am sleeping a little bit better and last I night I think I may have gotten 7.5 hours of sleep. No wake ups!
(You know your life is a little boring when this feels like big news.)
Friday, August 24, 2012
One more cup
My little espresso machine made one more cup of americano for me today. I had given up on it, save for a wasted bit of hope that the DeLonghi customer service might be able to help me get it up and running. I found a suggestion on an amazon review and with the help of my contractor (because he had the tools) I was able to get one more cup this morning. We'll see if I get many more but for now I'll enjoy what I have!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
I miss my Dad. Terribly. But I don't feel like I have a right to tell anyone that after what has happened over the past 4 years.
I've had a very hard couple of days being back home and trying to get my bearings. Sweet one is pushing every single button she possibly can and my reaction is anything but good. I need Big Love to step up more.
I feel lost. Every so often over the past few days a picture pops into my mind. A buoy bobbing in such darkness that it saturates everything around it save for the moon that shines down and softly glimmers. I want to be that buoy.
I've had a very hard couple of days being back home and trying to get my bearings. Sweet one is pushing every single button she possibly can and my reaction is anything but good. I need Big Love to step up more.
I feel lost. Every so often over the past few days a picture pops into my mind. A buoy bobbing in such darkness that it saturates everything around it save for the moon that shines down and softly glimmers. I want to be that buoy.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Coffee, coffee, no coffee
This is one of those moments I wish I were a high profile blogger. I could wail "woe is me" because my itty bitty espresso machine is no longer making me espresso and then I'd have handfuls of offers to have new ones shipped me and then arrive on my doorstep, completely free of charge.
For the past year and a half I have made myself an espresso and enjoyed it a few times in latte form but mostly as an americano. In these hot days where I am melting all over, I've poured the espresso over ice and it is lovely. Sweet One sometimes asks for a coffee and since I drink decaf I pour a wee bit of espresso over some milk for her and the two of us enjoy our coffee together.
When the kids nap, I come downstairs and make a coffee and then either watch tv or try to do some sewing in the hour I have. Not for the last two days. For the past two days I've spent nearly all that time trying to get my machine working and it is to no avail. I'm hoping the Delonghi company will email me back with some helpful ideas on how to get my machine back up and running. We have hard water here but I have faithfully descaled it and also cleaned out both of the filters when they've needed it.
I'm a little pathetic, but I am sad. The lovely crema I used to see resting at the top of my cup was absolute poetry to me in the few moments I ever get to myself.
Now I'll go and see if I can actually get some sewing done before the kids wake and hopefully bring myself out of this sad little funk. Where did I put my bodum? It never failed me.
For the past year and a half I have made myself an espresso and enjoyed it a few times in latte form but mostly as an americano. In these hot days where I am melting all over, I've poured the espresso over ice and it is lovely. Sweet One sometimes asks for a coffee and since I drink decaf I pour a wee bit of espresso over some milk for her and the two of us enjoy our coffee together.
When the kids nap, I come downstairs and make a coffee and then either watch tv or try to do some sewing in the hour I have. Not for the last two days. For the past two days I've spent nearly all that time trying to get my machine working and it is to no avail. I'm hoping the Delonghi company will email me back with some helpful ideas on how to get my machine back up and running. We have hard water here but I have faithfully descaled it and also cleaned out both of the filters when they've needed it.
I'm a little pathetic, but I am sad. The lovely crema I used to see resting at the top of my cup was absolute poetry to me in the few moments I ever get to myself.
Now I'll go and see if I can actually get some sewing done before the kids wake and hopefully bring myself out of this sad little funk. Where did I put my bodum? It never failed me.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
$2.50 I'll never get back!
I hear so many stories of people finding great bargains at garage sales or amazing items to then refurbish and add to their homes that end up being amazing. I have two young children to clothe and while many of their items are hand-me-downs (some of these are Sweet One's favorites) it could probably help if I didn't buy other things I need new. There are items for our home I'd love to find in a pre-owned condition.
The problem? I'm a little lazy. Or I don't know where to go. Or I don't have the patience for rifling through people's crap to find that one little hidden gem that makes it all worth it. I also have a bit of an issue with not knowing exactly where things came from. Perhaps if I lived somewhere that was a little more affluent? I don't know. Another problem is that garage sales are usually on weekends - which don't exist for me. Big Love only gets one day off a week and that is Friday. I'm not about to cart a 14 month old boy and a 3.5 year old girl to multiple garage sales on my own because that would be like asking for a gong show to blow up in my face.
I also have a really crappy system of garage sale-ing. Take for instance yesterday. The kids and I were on our way home from our usual cinnamon bun trip Saturday morning (Big Love had left in the other direction to go to work) and I stopped at a garage sale at the end of our block. I looked around, found a German-English dictionary in the "Help Yourself" bin, grabbed a Pittsburgh Penguins and a New York Rangers cap for the kids and then looked through some CDs. It said "Box of CDs $2". I figured that two bucks for a CD wasn't a bad idea so I looked through. I saw a lot of CDs from my high school years and came upon a Barenaked Ladies CD. I grabbed it. Once I was done my hunt I gave the woman $2.50. She told me that the CDs were actually $2 for the whole box because they just wanted to get rid of them. They were her son's and the garage sale was to downsize as she and her sister were moving to Chicago to be closer to him. I felt uncomfortable at the idea of asking her just how much she'd like then so to keep my $2.50. She said thank you.
I have no great gift for haggling because I'd rather pay way more than they're actually asking! Kinda dumb. But it got better as the day went on. Sweet One wore her Penguins cap right from the start. She hardly wanted to take it off. (The day before the boys across the street had all gotten caps from the same garage sale so she was just happy to have her own.) A little while later she wanted Little Man to wear his cap so I put it on and as I was trying to adjust it, all the little poky things that help to size it pulled out. Lovely! Oh well. It was only 25 cents so I thought we could walk down the street and get him a new one except they were all done with their sale. An hour or so later I was about to start supper and thought I'd listen to my new CD but the case was empty. Another stellar bargain!
I figure that if I were to start seriously going to garage sales and continue in this pattern, I'll end up broke with nothing to show for it!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
An afternoon excursion
I grabbed my purse and my iPod, blew my family a kiss and started walking down the street. It's been awhile since I've had some down time and I was really looking forward to it. Jason Mraz was singing in my ear (love his new album) and fortunately the sun wasn't blazing and so I was really enjoying myself. I stopped to grab a coffee and decided to treat myself to a turnover. Unfortunately, it did not have the cherries in it I had hoped for but it was still nice. There was a bit of a bounce in my step as I kept walking until I reached my destination. I sat down and pulled out my book. After reading a few pages I was called and so I went into another room, disrobed and had a pap smear.
Seriously. If you would have told me 4 years ago that I would look forward to getting a pap smear simply because of the time I got to spend on my own I would have looked at you as if you were nuts. It really was a lovely time, except for those few moments when .... well, you know.
Seriously. If you would have told me 4 years ago that I would look forward to getting a pap smear simply because of the time I got to spend on my own I would have looked at you as if you were nuts. It really was a lovely time, except for those few moments when .... well, you know.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Bits
Looks like I need a new header! That snow was rarely around this winter and spring has taken over with a few record highs and so much sunshine (with just enough overcast to remind me how hard my brain is on overcast).
Little Man has moved to one nap a day. I was so looking forward to that and now I sort of miss the quieter days! I would sometimes post while he was napping and Sweet One was watching TV but those times are gone. And while I remind myself that I haven't put anything down in this place for awhile, I'm so tired by the time things are quiet that I haven't one inch of energy to put words together.
I didn't think we'd put Sweet One in preschool but over the past week we have decided to do so. Big Love got a new gig that will add to our income enough to afford it. She seems so ready to learn more, constantly asking questions and the other side of it is, I feel like we're butting heads a little more than I'd like and I think having her at preschool will give us a bit of a break from each other. In a very good way. I'll use some of that time to go grocery shopping with Little Man and do other things perhaps.
My friend was over with her kids today. And it felt so much easier to be around her. We didn't get into politics, but some of the things we talked about made me realize I really don't have to worry about voicing my opinion. It makes me happy.
Because of when Sweet One will be in preschool I don't think going to the mom's group I've been attending will work out. The thing is, we went about 6 weeks without a meeting and I didn't miss it. Then I missed the last meeting but I didn't really miss it. Maybe I'm just more sad that there isn't a different mom's group in this tiny town where I'd feel like I fit in better. I don't know. Just something I'm pondering.
Did I mention I'm tired? Still not sleeping more than 4 hours (and I'm lucky to get that!) in a row at night. Sometimes it's the kids but other times it's just me.
See. Not that much has been happening. Nothing too exciting. Oh, except for the discovery under my dining room carpet and hopefully I'll get around to throwing some pictures up in the next few days!
(And I have one more week before the in-laws arrive.)
Little Man has moved to one nap a day. I was so looking forward to that and now I sort of miss the quieter days! I would sometimes post while he was napping and Sweet One was watching TV but those times are gone. And while I remind myself that I haven't put anything down in this place for awhile, I'm so tired by the time things are quiet that I haven't one inch of energy to put words together.
I didn't think we'd put Sweet One in preschool but over the past week we have decided to do so. Big Love got a new gig that will add to our income enough to afford it. She seems so ready to learn more, constantly asking questions and the other side of it is, I feel like we're butting heads a little more than I'd like and I think having her at preschool will give us a bit of a break from each other. In a very good way. I'll use some of that time to go grocery shopping with Little Man and do other things perhaps.
My friend was over with her kids today. And it felt so much easier to be around her. We didn't get into politics, but some of the things we talked about made me realize I really don't have to worry about voicing my opinion. It makes me happy.
Because of when Sweet One will be in preschool I don't think going to the mom's group I've been attending will work out. The thing is, we went about 6 weeks without a meeting and I didn't miss it. Then I missed the last meeting but I didn't really miss it. Maybe I'm just more sad that there isn't a different mom's group in this tiny town where I'd feel like I fit in better. I don't know. Just something I'm pondering.
Did I mention I'm tired? Still not sleeping more than 4 hours (and I'm lucky to get that!) in a row at night. Sometimes it's the kids but other times it's just me.
See. Not that much has been happening. Nothing too exciting. Oh, except for the discovery under my dining room carpet and hopefully I'll get around to throwing some pictures up in the next few days!
(And I have one more week before the in-laws arrive.)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Doesn't fit as I'd like
I finally got the courage to do some sewing. I've had material sitting around for awhile and so I decided to just go for it. Unfortunately, I ended up cutting a pattern a wee bit too small for this postpartum body and chose the too short version. Luckily, I have enough material left over that I can start it again.
I've been struggling with my body these days and I'm not sure if I ever won't. I want to learn to accept it. It gave me two babies who are awesome and I should be happy with that. Right? I've been working out with a few different DVDs at home. I'm getting stronger but I'm not actually losing any weight. I think I need to add more cardio so perhaps on top of doing a workout 5 times a week I can get out for at least 3 real walks with the kids. That might help. Who knows. In the very least, if I can't accept it I need to let Sweet One think that I do so that perhaps she will be happy with hers.
I do know that I'm not absolutely miserable (at least for now) about the fact that 3 hours of sewing has nothing to show for it. And I'm just shaking my head at this pooch of mine. Another time I might have been crying and swearing. So I'm good for now.
I think that's progress.
I've been struggling with my body these days and I'm not sure if I ever won't. I want to learn to accept it. It gave me two babies who are awesome and I should be happy with that. Right? I've been working out with a few different DVDs at home. I'm getting stronger but I'm not actually losing any weight. I think I need to add more cardio so perhaps on top of doing a workout 5 times a week I can get out for at least 3 real walks with the kids. That might help. Who knows. In the very least, if I can't accept it I need to let Sweet One think that I do so that perhaps she will be happy with hers.
I do know that I'm not absolutely miserable (at least for now) about the fact that 3 hours of sewing has nothing to show for it. And I'm just shaking my head at this pooch of mine. Another time I might have been crying and swearing. So I'm good for now.
I think that's progress.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I know what my problem is
I've been struggling with some bouts of depression and frustration over the past few months. While I know I need to find some time, kid free, for myself and to do something creative, I've recently figured out what the everyday problem is. I'm BORED! I do nearly the same thing day in and day out - juggling naps, make food, spend time on the computer, go for walks, watch tv. It's all the same and I'm fukking bored of it! I need to figure out some way to find purpose in these days. I hate being bored.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Renewed
It was getting to the point that I just wasn't sure if I was going to be able to hold things together much longer. After a long time of no time without my kids nearby my anxiety levels were too high, I was moody and I just felt completely depleted. There wasn't much left of me anymore.
Luckily, the discount theater that is about a 13 minute walk from my house was playing The Descendants at a perfect time for me to go yesterday afternoon. I was only a little sad to give up a beautiful afternoon with record highs because I needed this time so much.
I'd never been to our discount theaters before because the schedule never worked out but I'm glad it did this time. For the first two blocks I ran through a list of things I should have told Big Love - where his hat was, how to strap him into the new wagon, don't forget the sunscreen. (For a brief moment I thought of running back home to tell him!) Then I stopped. There was no point. Big Love may not think of everything the way I do but he figures it out his own way. I spent the last chunk of my walk breathing and enjoying the sun. I got to the theater and I was the only paying customer for The Descendants. The theater barely held 100 people in 7 rows and the screen was only about a third of the size of newer theaters but I loved it.
As I walked back out into the sunshine I felt like a new woman. When I was a block from home I saw Big Love pulling the kids in their new wagon that arrived the day before. Little Man wasn't strapped in tight enough (Big Love didn't realize the crotch strap was there), nor did he have a hat on in the bright sun but he was happy looking around from his new perch. Sweet One was excited as she jumped out of the wagon and hugged me then continued to run ahead of us.
Part of me is surprised how different I feel today, while the other part is just reminded of how important it is for me to get some time alone that has nothing to do with being a mom. I used to go to movies a couple times a month but have only been to one since Little Man was born two weeks short of one year ago.
I hope this is enough to get me through being a single mom for a few days!
Luckily, the discount theater that is about a 13 minute walk from my house was playing The Descendants at a perfect time for me to go yesterday afternoon. I was only a little sad to give up a beautiful afternoon with record highs because I needed this time so much.
I'd never been to our discount theaters before because the schedule never worked out but I'm glad it did this time. For the first two blocks I ran through a list of things I should have told Big Love - where his hat was, how to strap him into the new wagon, don't forget the sunscreen. (For a brief moment I thought of running back home to tell him!) Then I stopped. There was no point. Big Love may not think of everything the way I do but he figures it out his own way. I spent the last chunk of my walk breathing and enjoying the sun. I got to the theater and I was the only paying customer for The Descendants. The theater barely held 100 people in 7 rows and the screen was only about a third of the size of newer theaters but I loved it.
As I walked back out into the sunshine I felt like a new woman. When I was a block from home I saw Big Love pulling the kids in their new wagon that arrived the day before. Little Man wasn't strapped in tight enough (Big Love didn't realize the crotch strap was there), nor did he have a hat on in the bright sun but he was happy looking around from his new perch. Sweet One was excited as she jumped out of the wagon and hugged me then continued to run ahead of us.
Part of me is surprised how different I feel today, while the other part is just reminded of how important it is for me to get some time alone that has nothing to do with being a mom. I used to go to movies a couple times a month but have only been to one since Little Man was born two weeks short of one year ago.
I hope this is enough to get me through being a single mom for a few days!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Not as strong as I used to be
I've been trying to get some more exercise in my day, even if it is just a 30 minute DVD workout. I remember feeling so strong and 'in shape' when I was pregnant from working out on a regular basis. The exercises in this DVD sure had me sweating and pushing my muscles quite hard. I've been feeling SO out of shape and frustrated with things lately that I thought I wouldn't be able to handle more than the 2nd trimester workout.
Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't get as crazy sweaty as I did when I was pregnant but the exercises did push my muscles to their current max. I did the 2nd trimester express workout and when I was actually in my 2nd trimester, I needed to do the full workout to really push myself. Oh well, hopefully I'll recover some of my strength back soon! I'll give the 1st trimester one a go and see how it is!
Funny thing - I feel less like a dork doing prenatal workouts than I did doing a "Dancer's Body Workout". I can not explain how ridiculous I felt doing that one!
****Warning! Emotional purge ahead!****
I sometimes wonder how much of my frustration with my body is mirrored in a bit of a rough patch emotionally. I'm struggling with feeling like I really don't fit in here. Once again I'm feeling some rejection. At the mom's group I go to last week we had a longer than normal time for our discussion groups. The presentation of the day was about addiction and we ended up having a lot of quiet moments where our 'leader' wasn't doing anything to get us talking and no one else was speaking up. (Even just general gabbing.) Long, awkward silences. I don't well with these and so I will often pipe up and later on feel like a complete idiot for doing so. My friend, who is also in this group, said that I didn't make an ass of myself but I still feel like I did four day later. I had sent a FB message to a woman in my group asking if she wanted to meet with the kids at some point and go for a walk. (She had previously mentioned she has a great hill for sledding and asked if I'd be interested in coming over. I thought "Great! A new friend!") Any other time I've sent her a message I've gotten a response within in the same day but I've heard nothing and it's making me feel like shit. Aren't we supposed to be more confident in who we are the older we get? I'm so sick of feeling like this!
Well, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I didn't get as crazy sweaty as I did when I was pregnant but the exercises did push my muscles to their current max. I did the 2nd trimester express workout and when I was actually in my 2nd trimester, I needed to do the full workout to really push myself. Oh well, hopefully I'll recover some of my strength back soon! I'll give the 1st trimester one a go and see how it is!
Funny thing - I feel less like a dork doing prenatal workouts than I did doing a "Dancer's Body Workout". I can not explain how ridiculous I felt doing that one!
****Warning! Emotional purge ahead!****
I sometimes wonder how much of my frustration with my body is mirrored in a bit of a rough patch emotionally. I'm struggling with feeling like I really don't fit in here. Once again I'm feeling some rejection. At the mom's group I go to last week we had a longer than normal time for our discussion groups. The presentation of the day was about addiction and we ended up having a lot of quiet moments where our 'leader' wasn't doing anything to get us talking and no one else was speaking up. (Even just general gabbing.) Long, awkward silences. I don't well with these and so I will often pipe up and later on feel like a complete idiot for doing so. My friend, who is also in this group, said that I didn't make an ass of myself but I still feel like I did four day later. I had sent a FB message to a woman in my group asking if she wanted to meet with the kids at some point and go for a walk. (She had previously mentioned she has a great hill for sledding and asked if I'd be interested in coming over. I thought "Great! A new friend!") Any other time I've sent her a message I've gotten a response within in the same day but I've heard nothing and it's making me feel like shit. Aren't we supposed to be more confident in who we are the older we get? I'm so sick of feeling like this!
Sunday, February 5, 2012
False start
I don't watch the Super Bowl. I've tried to watch it for the commercials but I just haven't been able to get an entire one watched since I moved here. So tonight I decided not to bother and I spent a chunk of the day psyching myself up to give this a try. I bought the material Thursday when the kids and I needed somewhere to go because the weather wasn't very hospitable for playing outside. I didn't think I'd get to it this quickly but figured if I had the material on hand it might help.
It doesn't matter how simple a project is, if I've never tried something like it before I always second guess myself for WAY too long before I attempt it. But then I realized that I would need something to do this evening and so I thought of doing this tutorial because I have a new lug bag/purse that isn't huge but big enough for basic diaper changing and a few toys as well as my wallet, etc, but it does seem to get a little cluttered. I rifled through my leftover material this afternoon but didn't have what I needed. (I think I'll go and buy myself a couple fat quarters.)
Rather than making a quick run to the fabric store (which is in the middle of renovations and will be twice the size as it used to be!) I went for a walk with the family this afternoon. It was fun because Sweet One seems to be recovering from her cold, albeit not without the 'crashes' here and there, and she was very adventurous. So cute to watch. While we were on our walk I started thinking about whether or not I could attempt the shirt.
I continued to think about it as I was making supper and then giving Little Man his bath. I decided to just do it. As with most things like this, once I get started I'm good. I was wearing a shirt that was fairly comfortable and a similar material so I thought it would be a good starting point.
I finished reading Sweet One her bedtime stories (yes, I'm still the only one who does it) and got to work right away. Sewing machine set up and threaded? Check. Material laid out on the floor? Check. Madonna kicking ass with the half time show? Check. Shirt placed on material? Stop. I had been wearing my 'pattern' all day and it was stretched out without much shape left to it. I figure that if I were to use it in the state that it is, the new shirt would end up not being as good as it could. Shit.
Frustrating because how often do I actually try to do something for myself?! Oh well. I'm leaving the sewing machine out which will help to motivate me and I need to do laundry tomorrow, anyway.
It doesn't matter how simple a project is, if I've never tried something like it before I always second guess myself for WAY too long before I attempt it. But then I realized that I would need something to do this evening and so I thought of doing this tutorial because I have a new lug bag/purse that isn't huge but big enough for basic diaper changing and a few toys as well as my wallet, etc, but it does seem to get a little cluttered. I rifled through my leftover material this afternoon but didn't have what I needed. (I think I'll go and buy myself a couple fat quarters.)
Rather than making a quick run to the fabric store (which is in the middle of renovations and will be twice the size as it used to be!) I went for a walk with the family this afternoon. It was fun because Sweet One seems to be recovering from her cold, albeit not without the 'crashes' here and there, and she was very adventurous. So cute to watch. While we were on our walk I started thinking about whether or not I could attempt the shirt.
I continued to think about it as I was making supper and then giving Little Man his bath. I decided to just do it. As with most things like this, once I get started I'm good. I was wearing a shirt that was fairly comfortable and a similar material so I thought it would be a good starting point.
I finished reading Sweet One her bedtime stories (yes, I'm still the only one who does it) and got to work right away. Sewing machine set up and threaded? Check. Material laid out on the floor? Check. Madonna kicking ass with the half time show? Check. Shirt placed on material? Stop. I had been wearing my 'pattern' all day and it was stretched out without much shape left to it. I figure that if I were to use it in the state that it is, the new shirt would end up not being as good as it could. Shit.
Frustrating because how often do I actually try to do something for myself?! Oh well. I'm leaving the sewing machine out which will help to motivate me and I need to do laundry tomorrow, anyway.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Bring on a snowy day
Woke up to temperatures of 19F/-8C and brilliant sunshine. I absolutely love a winter day like today. It fills me up and I wish I could spend the whole day outside. I've read some blogs over the passed few days where cities have shut down from a snowstorm. Growing up in northwestern Canada, large amounts of snow are pretty much a regular occurrence and then living in the snow belt, well, 6" in a night is not uncommon. I can not imagine being in a town that is completely shut down because of snow.
The other day Sweet One was helping her Dad get the car ready so that they could go to storytime at the library. The more the snow piles up, the more this kid loves it! She is sad every time we have to bring her in from playing.
Today we stopped at Home Depot on our grocery trip and bought a child's size shovel for her. It is yellow and right now she is holding it while finishing up World Word. She is so excited to go and play. Just another moment where I'm happy $6.97 keeps her so happy! (Shovel was also made in the states, so that's an added bonus.)
On another boring note, I have recently ordered a work out DVD (one advertised on my prenatal work out DVD) and a new pair of shoes. It is time to deal with this body-loathing and get moving. 5 different half hour work outs should be easy enough to do.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A few small changes
I've been doing a few things differently lately. Nothing huge, but my inner voice isn't berating me as much as it can tend to.
I used clean in huge violent outbursts that took care of things from top to bottom. (To be completely truthful, it would only get things done about 98% because by the time my two hours of cleaning were done, a few of those items you never really know what to do with were still lying around. I told myself I'd get them later but I never really did. So they sat around for days and pissed me off.) I liked having everything done at once so I didn't have to clean for the rest of the week.
Life with two kids is so different and the opportunities to devote a large block of time to anything doesn't really exist. The house wasn't getting cleaned up as regularly as it needed. The more I felt things weren't getting done, the more stressed out I was. I hated feeling like I couldn't get on top of things and that my house was a mess. I was beating myself up about it too much.
While discussing "busy-ness" with my discussion group at the moms group I go to a week from tomorrow, a woman said: "When I had kid #1 I said, 'I don't need someone to tell me how to clean my house. When I had kid #2 I said, 'I need someone to tell me how to clean my house.!'" I had to double check and make sure that I wasn't listening to myself talk! She mentioned that FlyLady's methods were helping her feel a little bit more on top of things. ". (This was not the first time I had heard about FlyLady. I scoffed at the need to have someone tell me how to clean my house when my friend down the street had mentioned it some time back.) Since this was the second person I had heard about it from I decided to give it a try.
In seven days of following the suggestions I am feeling better about my house. A bit of effort here and there each day and I can feel like eventually I will be on top of things. The house isn't clean top to bottom yet but changing my perspective on what I 'should' be doing (and how) is helping me feel like things are less out of control. - and be happy with that.
Another place that I have made a few changes is with my computer time. When the holiday shopping season was in full swing I was obsessed with checking out the amazon deals, trying to decide which tv we were going to buy and trying to find the cheapest prices for the kids' presents. While my children were never neglected, my time was split a little more than I liked. All this time at the computer did help me to find the deals I wanted but I did spend more time than I needed to, mindlessly surfing the internets. I'd check facebook every few minutes when there couldn't possibly be anything new. It was a little ridiculous. Once I pulled myself away from the computer, I'd blink my eyes a few times to adjust back to daylight rather than the light from my screen. My brain felt stagnant.
Once Christmas shopping was done I didn't know what to do with myself when I didn't have anything to buy on amazon! I continued to check reader and facebook more times than necessary. I was wasting time and my brain was still mush. I'd have more time for things if I let the internets stop sucking it away from me. So I decided to make a change. While I still check things frequently, I try my best to only check them once or twice in a sitting. Once that is done and I don't have anything specific to do I put the computer down. (This is helped greatly by the fact that Little Man thinks the computer is fair game and I need to shove it under the couch to keep it safe!) If Sweet One isn't done her tv show I grab a magazine, I do some de-cluttering or I just snuggle a kid.
All in all, these two changes aren't going to solve world hunger or earn me a Nobel Prize, but they are helping me have a better state of mind each day. And if that is all they accomplish, then it is well worth my efforts.
I used clean in huge violent outbursts that took care of things from top to bottom. (To be completely truthful, it would only get things done about 98% because by the time my two hours of cleaning were done, a few of those items you never really know what to do with were still lying around. I told myself I'd get them later but I never really did. So they sat around for days and pissed me off.) I liked having everything done at once so I didn't have to clean for the rest of the week.
Life with two kids is so different and the opportunities to devote a large block of time to anything doesn't really exist. The house wasn't getting cleaned up as regularly as it needed. The more I felt things weren't getting done, the more stressed out I was. I hated feeling like I couldn't get on top of things and that my house was a mess. I was beating myself up about it too much.
While discussing "busy-ness" with my discussion group at the moms group I go to a week from tomorrow, a woman said: "When I had kid #1 I said, 'I don't need someone to tell me how to clean my house. When I had kid #2 I said, 'I need someone to tell me how to clean my house.!'" I had to double check and make sure that I wasn't listening to myself talk! She mentioned that FlyLady's methods were helping her feel a little bit more on top of things. ". (This was not the first time I had heard about FlyLady. I scoffed at the need to have someone tell me how to clean my house when my friend down the street had mentioned it some time back.) Since this was the second person I had heard about it from I decided to give it a try.
In seven days of following the suggestions I am feeling better about my house. A bit of effort here and there each day and I can feel like eventually I will be on top of things. The house isn't clean top to bottom yet but changing my perspective on what I 'should' be doing (and how) is helping me feel like things are less out of control. - and be happy with that.
Another place that I have made a few changes is with my computer time. When the holiday shopping season was in full swing I was obsessed with checking out the amazon deals, trying to decide which tv we were going to buy and trying to find the cheapest prices for the kids' presents. While my children were never neglected, my time was split a little more than I liked. All this time at the computer did help me to find the deals I wanted but I did spend more time than I needed to, mindlessly surfing the internets. I'd check facebook every few minutes when there couldn't possibly be anything new. It was a little ridiculous. Once I pulled myself away from the computer, I'd blink my eyes a few times to adjust back to daylight rather than the light from my screen. My brain felt stagnant.
Once Christmas shopping was done I didn't know what to do with myself when I didn't have anything to buy on amazon! I continued to check reader and facebook more times than necessary. I was wasting time and my brain was still mush. I'd have more time for things if I let the internets stop sucking it away from me. So I decided to make a change. While I still check things frequently, I try my best to only check them once or twice in a sitting. Once that is done and I don't have anything specific to do I put the computer down. (This is helped greatly by the fact that Little Man thinks the computer is fair game and I need to shove it under the couch to keep it safe!) If Sweet One isn't done her tv show I grab a magazine, I do some de-cluttering or I just snuggle a kid.
All in all, these two changes aren't going to solve world hunger or earn me a Nobel Prize, but they are helping me have a better state of mind each day. And if that is all they accomplish, then it is well worth my efforts.
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