The world is getting bigger

It was a big day today for my Little Man. Unfortunately, despite getting out for my morning run nice and early, I wasn't moving quite as quickly as I should've once I got back and we were running a bit late. He got on his bike and we headed down to "my new preschool". At the moment that I had to hug him and say goodbye he was holding onto my hand pretty hard. He's always held onto me a little more than Sweet One does. (She ran off to her first day of Kindergarten last week like a star!) I gave him a huge hug and told him we'd go out for lunch when he was all done his first day. "I want to go to Wendy's." Anywhere you'd like, kid.

I couldn't get to the coffee shop fast enough. Why is it so comforting to hold onto a cup of coffee? There are moments in my day where I feel like if I can just rest that cup in my hands, against my chest then I can breathe. Across the street is Sweet One's school and I had to drop off her water bottle that Big Love forgot to put in her lunch bag. ("I want a sandwich, an apple and water for my lunch. Every day.")

I have plans for my 2.5 hours, 3 times a week when I am on my own. I'm going to practice and then I'm going to work on all the projects we have that need to get done at the house. My hope is that maybe if those projects get done other things will fall into place and we'll get to move and our house will sell.

After 5.5 years of ignoring a big part of myself and being at home with the kids, it is weird that right now it is all about me. They are off exploring new things and having new adventures without me as their world gets bigger. And while my heart feels like it might break right now, I'm looking forward to what I might be able to accomplish for myself and with our house in over the next chunk of time.

Chance of a Lifetime

When I was finishing up my Bachelor's degree and thinking about the next step, my voice instructor asked me if I wanted to pursue a career in performance. I remember saying that I never wanted to be the mom who isn't home for my kid's birthday.

A dear friend of mine is offering me a chance of a lifetime. Airfare, accommodation and retreat fees covered for this! Seven nights in Puerto Vallarta with workshops where I will care for myself in a way I've only ever dreamed of.

That's almost a week and a half away from my kiddos when I've never actually left them for any real time. The only time I've been away from the house overnight was when Little Man was born! My friend had mentioned this last April when she was visiting and I told myself I'd be stupid to say no. We've called my in-laws and they are very interested to see if they could make it work so they could come and stay while I'd be away. I asked the kids over dinner last night that if I had to go somewhere for a little bit with my friend, would they like to have Gramma and Grampa come to play with them. They said yes.

But the problem is that Little Man would turn 3 while I'd be away. And that makes it so hard for me to give a firm yes. I could pretend his birthday is another day so he nor Sweet One would ever know I wasn't actually there for it. But I'd know it.

Perfect

The other day Sweet One and I were about to read Robert Munsch's, Kiss Me, I'm Perfect! We both love Munsch's books and I've been slowly been getting each and every one of them from the library and we're enjoying it immensely.

"What book do you want to read?"
"Kiss Me, I'm Perfect!"
"Yes you are," and I planted a kiss on her cheek.
"I don't want to be perfect.
"Do you just want to be Sweet One?"
"Yes. But I'd still love to have a kiss!"

Zzzzzzzz

For most of the time since little man was born 17.5 months ago I never slept through the night. I'd be lucky if I could get 4 or 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Most of the time I'd have a few awakenings that last only long enough to see the clock and go back to sleep along with one more full awakening where I got up to use the bathroom. I was exhausted but found some way to manage. Isn't parenthood based on the premise that you will never again get a good night's sleep?

In the week or so that Little Man has been in his own room I am sleeping better. Strange! Perhaps some of my awakenings was from him making noise as he moved around in his sleep or farted in the night. I have no idea. I just love the fact that I am sleeping a little bit better and last I night I think I may have gotten 7.5 hours of sleep. No wake ups!

(You know your life is a little boring when this feels like big news.)

17 months with a baby in the room

So Little Man has been sleeping in our room until Labor Day. Yup, for 17 months our boy has been sharing a room with his Mum and Dad. I keep making a little list in my head as to why in case people asked. So here it is. There's probably a bunch of other reasons that are completely unbeknownst to me.

1. When my babies were wee, it was much easier than having to go to a different room and get them for their middle of the night feedings.
2. Our room is ridiculously oversized in comparison to the other rooms. There was still room to spare with a full size crib, two large dressers and my hopeless chest (my Dad made it for me and that's what he called it).
3. I needed a space to do yoga and my exercise videos.
4. For some reason, it's a bit drafty in the room. It's located right above our little mudroom and the front door so that probably has a lot to do with it. It's also one of the hottest rooms in the summer. Wanted to keep him in with us in case we needed to get our one air conditioner going during the summer heat waves.
5. My sister was supposed to come and visit so I was going to use that third room for them.
6. I was really hoping that I'd be able to move Little Man in with Sweet One so they could share a room but it just hasn't gotten to the point where I think it is going to work. Perhaps when he's ready for a big kid bed I will get them some bunk beds and they can share when he's a little older.
7. I absolutely loved hearing him laugh in his sleep when I was wide awake in the middle of the night.
8. Listening to him breathe helped me to relax.
9. I liked having him close and since he's my last baby (as far as I can control) I probably had a harder time letting him go.
10. Having him sleeping five feet from me on the other side of a wall is just too damn far! (Yes, I'm very good at being a drama queen from time to time.)
11. Birth Control! (see number 8) Big Love can't get too amorous when there's a sleeping baby a few feet away! (I called it Cribena instead of Mirena because I'm just so funny.)

Ok. So once I actually had him sleeping in his own room it really wasn't such a big deal. There was a lot of cleaning involved in the move and I spent the little spare time I had on Labor Day sweating upstairs while I moved things around. (It's been incredibly humid here lately. The western girl in me expects things to feel much cooler once September 1st hits!)

40 Minutes of Hell

Almost a month ago now my best friend came to visit. I decided to treat myself to a few hours of child-free time when she needed to be taken to the airport. We left the house at 7am so that we could stop at the local coffee shop and grab a coffee and then be on our way with enough time for her to catch her flight on time. The big city airport is an hour and a half in absolutely no traffic, which I couldn't expect to happen.

I had a great time driving and hanging out in the airport lineups with her. I sent her off into security and headed off to the Swedish furniture store. I was quite excited. We were in the market for some new bookshelves and a few other small things. I used to live a 20 minute drive from one of these big blue buildings and I've missed it.

I arrived a few minutes before it opened and decided to grab myself a 99 cent breakfast. It wasn't great but the sun was shining in the enormous windows and I could take as long as I wanted. Well, not really because I was hoping I'd only take 30 minutes in the store. That didn't happen. An hour later I was on my way, stopping at St. Arbuck's for a decaf Americano and then I was on my way home.

It was a nice drive. I wasn't too worried. I bathed in the quiet time for myself because it hadn't happened in .... well, I had no idea.

When I got home, Little Man was sleeping and Sweet One was on her way to sleep. I crawled in and gave her a snuggle. Little Man woke up and refused to go to sleep without me holding him.

This would continue every day, in varying degrees, until today. I just couldn't take it anymore and so, just like when he was 5 months old, I decided it was time for him to get himself to sleep.

I hate coming to this decision every time but I know that it will only be a few shitty days and a good result. After all, I've had little issues with Little Man's sleeping in over six months. I read to him and snuggled him for almost 15 minutes and put a very calm baby into his crib. I went into Sweet One's room to read her books, hoping that by the time I was done the books Little Man would be sleeping. Twenty minutes later this was not the case. I said prayers and snuggled with Sweet One for 8 or so more minutes and he was still not sleeping. While I hate the idea of making him 'cry it out', I hate thinking of him being by himself even more and so I stay close to him. Maybe it's self-flagellation, penance or loving support, I'm not sure. I went into the bathroom and scrubbed the tub. (I really hate scrubbing the tub. Why do I need to clean it? The shower cleans me!*) Twelve minutes later he gave two hardcore screams which I translated as, "You bitch! Why the fukk are you doing this to me?" and he's been quiet now for about 40 minutes.

I went downstairs, washed my kitchen and laundry room floors and now I'm finishing a very strong gin and tonic.

****
We are making small strides with Sweet One and the biting recurrence. And I've managed to get some sleep in the past two nights so I feel a little better.

*Do you like New Girl? I love it. And this is borrowed, with a slight change, on a very funny moment that had me rolling on the floor.

Guilt

Today was going alright. I was actually happy about how I was feeling after a few days of being unable to shake off some anxiety and depression. We spent a chunk of the morning in health care facilities - Little Man needed a blood test to check on his iron levels (no more anemia!) and then we had his 15 month appointment where he was diagnosed with the start of an ear infection (which explains a lot of his behavior change over the preceding 24 hour). Both kids are also dealing with allergies. Yay.

The afternoon came and Sweet One bit her brother. Again. We seem to be in a regression after a very long time of her not doing it. When the hell will I ever learn to stop getting my hopes up?! I'm not handling it well. I yelled. A lot. "YOU CAN NOT BITE YOUR BROTHER! YOU HAVE TO STOP BITING YOUR BROTHER!"  Desperately trying to scare her a bit so she'd realize how bad it is to bite her brother. He has marks on his face and his arm. I really don't know what the fukk to do at this point. I've felt like I was at my wits end before about things like this and then relief came. But relief has been hard to come by since I yelled. It's almost 8 hours later and I still feel gross. I have no forgiveness for myself. I know damn well that yelling at her doesn't really help but in the midst of it I'm desperately hoping I can find a way to motivate her to stop, perhaps "scare some sense" into her. But really I'm sickened that I remind myself of my father and then I remember what used to happen to me when I'd make him that angry. I didn't take my belt off and lash her bare bottom multiple times leaving welts and a humiliated, screaming child in my wake. Because my anger is my responsibility and no matter what she does, nothing will ever give me the excuse to do that to her. I have to be better. I don't feel like I am. Having as much anger inside of me as I did today scares me. It feels awful. Dark and thick. I still feel sick.

I want to go to sleep, actually sleep through the night for once, and wake up to a new day "with no mistakes in it yet." Please, God. Could you just answer this one and help me stop her from biting her brother? Could you please show me how to deal with this without screaming at her? She doesn't deserve that. She deserves a better mother.

Isn't there something about good fences?

My daughter has a friend who is our next door neighbor. They moved in this past winter and live right behind us. At first it was nice. Sweet One didn't have much for little girls to play with so I was happy for her to have the opportunity and her parents seemed very tickled that their daughter had someone to play with, too.

My backyard. You can't see NK's house but it is right behind that large tree.

The girls didn't really play together until spring came along and it was easy for NK (neighbor kid) to come over and play. We found it a little strange over the first week or two when the parents didn't come over and introduce themselves but we continued to let Sweet and NK play, feeding them oranges whenever NK asked for them. Eventually we met the parents. They stopped over and checked to make sure everything was ok and then disappeared into their house again. A hello there, a short chat here but in the end, they seemed to have no problem allowing their daughter to come and play with people they barely knew. I decided to get through the summer and then things would change once NK starts kindergarten in the fall. For the most part they play quite well together. Sweet One adores NK.

Over passed few weeks things have become more and more frustrating for me. NK is spoiled. It's obvious. She manipulates Sweet One by being rude, pouting and standing just inside her property line while she pretends to go home. This leaves Sweet One screaming and completely heartbroken for a few minutes until NK decides to return as if she is the most important person in the world. A few days ago I looked over and the girls were pretending to beat Little Man with our toy fishing rods because he was being 'mean'. I almost lost my shit. There is no doubt in my mind where that idea came from because Sweet One has never accused him of anything like that before.

NK is also starting to get rude to me. Maybe it's not exactly rude but it is definitely disrespectful. She likes to pretend that what an adult says to her isn't important and that she doesn't have to listen to it by looking away, not listening and covering her ears. The world please escapes her vocabulary every time she asks for help or something to eat or drink. (When I do bring her water to drink, since that is what my children are drinking, she goes home and returns with a bottle/can of root beer or another crap-ass sugary drink that isn't going provide any nutrition at all.)

Yesterday I was enjoying some time in the backyard, tending the garden with the help of Sweet One and Little Man when NK came out and our whole agenda had to change. She wanted Sweet One to play in the kiddie pool. Fine. I won't fight that. It took her less than 5 minutes to get Sweet One crying and ten minutes later she was crying again because she got nailed in the head with her toy fishing rod. A few drops started falling from the sky which I used as an opportunity to say that it was time to go inside. Sweet One didn't even fight it that much. NK told me that she's allowed to go in the pool whenever she wants, with a huge side of attitude.

I hate it that I now feel like I have to plan to leave my house and my yard to avoid 'volunteering' my babysitting services. The 'play dates' have become more frequent lately, sometimes twice a day, and I wish I could put up a fence so that we could have a little privacy. I don't want to feel constantly invaded by a little girl whose parents are "doing the dishes" or "cleaning the litter boxes ... all four of them" and then disappear into a house not to be seen again. I would like my backyard to feel like my own private space but without a fence, that isn't going to happen. This is going to be a long few summer months.

I've vented to a few friends, both of whom have mentioned that there should be absolutely no problem with me setting boundaries and rules when I am the only parent outside - especially if the play is happening in my backyard. I would expect this of my friends just as they would of me if I were watching their kids. If NK doesn't like it, she will not be allowed to play. I may have to talk to her mom about this but I will not continue to allow her to teach Sweet One the behavior that I've been watching over the past few weeks. How is it possible to teach a kid how to behave around people, if the parents are never there to watch it? 

This afternoon we are going to NK's birthday party. The only one excited about it is Sweet One so Big Love and I've found an excuse for us to be late but we really hope it doesn't go too long. Maybe there will be beer. It might take the edge off!

Sweet One's Mortimer moment

I was happy when we were able to go on short trips and leave the portable DVD behind. In its place we listen to Robert Munsch telling his stories. Sweet One gets very involved and shouts along with the kids who are also in the recording enjoying the catchy lines that Munsch writes into each and every one of his stories. I remember listening to these on a couple road trips with a good friend and her young daughter and the nostalgia of listening to these stories again - well, it's definitely one of my favorite moments.

Three nights ago Sweet One went to sleep as she has for I don't know how long. Stories, lights out and to sleep. After stages where it was a challenge, it was great to have her going to sleep so well again. Then something switched. She wanted a nightlight on in her room and for two nights I obliged. Being a person who is light sensitive at night myself I was worried that it might affect her sleep but it didn't seem to. She slept quite soundly, despite being sick, for two nights.

Last night this kid absolutely did not live up to her name. She was rude, lippy and quite honestly, a little bitch! We took away a few items that are her favorite to play with for today and finally got her quiet. I left her room around 8:15 and was relieved when we didn't hear much more protest.

9:15. "Clang, clang, rattle bing bang, gonna make my  noise all day..." at the top of her freakin' lungs! It was ridiculous both in the hilarity that she was now quoting "Mortimer" and the fact that it seemed to have come out of nowhere. The twenty minutes that followed with screaming and the protests of having the nightlight moved into the closet so the light wasn't directly on her face was a fukking gong show that I really hope is not repeated any time soon. We survived, a little worse for wear and not nearly as relaxed as we often are when we go to sleep.

This morning seems to be off to an earlier start than usual for Little Man and a not-so-Sweet One who is pissed off that we have confiscated her new scissors. It's 7:15 and I have already put her back into her room because I will not listen to her being a rude little bitch all day. Not so sure I'm going to survive her being three and a half. But I know someday we are going to laugh our asses off at our little Mortimer going off an hour after we thought she was sleeping!s

Rookie

I'm moments away from starting last night's episode of Rookie Blue. I started watching it from the first day it aired simply because I was curious about what it was going to do and it has grown on me. It's my dose of Canada since it is filmed in Toronto with a predominantly Canadian cast. So many moments scream 'Canadian TV' - sometimes cheesy acting, Epstein being a complete goof, an almost naive quality that makes me adore each character. I used to hate that Canadian shows always had such a strong signature on them, now I adore it. As soon as one episode is over, I can't wait for the next. Swarek and McNally? Even better than Grey and McDreamy.

This season, every time I think of watching an episode I think of my Little Man. We had some nights last summer where he just wouldn't go to sleep until 1030 or 1100. For a month or two it happened about once a week and since we figured it would eventually pass, there were nights that we just gave up and brought him back downstairs and let him cuddle. In my memory I see him lying on the floor beside me watching the TV. Our heads propped on a rolled blanket. His eyes were truly locked on the tv just as mine were, except he was much more tired! So cute. My little boy who is now running around and saying words. Mum-mum, Dada, ba(ll), papa (popsicle), coo-coo (cookie) and many more.

I can't believe it was a whole year ago that he was just a rookie in this world. Now he's finding his footing and running as quickly as he can, full speed ahead!

13 months and 29 days

Little Man stopped breastfeeding tonight. I had slowly been making my way down to a single feeding right before bedtime and then I'd let him stop on his own. That is what he did. Just like his sister did. And I am proud of the fact that I was able to feed my babies for as long as I did. I'm looking forward to getting back into a 'regular' bra and not feeling like the girls are headed south. (Then again, who am I kidding! I've read many saggy breasts stories on mommy blogs!) I'm glad that I'm not going to have to end things myself in the attempt to keep my nipples safe from being bitten off.

But I'm still sad. I shed a few tears and will probably be a little sad for the rest of the evening. Breastfeeding exclusively (no pumping) defined a big part of how I mothered my babies. But I will let him go just this little bit. Because doing it bit by bit is easier than all at once.

It's not me, it's you

Sweet One is going to be in a dance recital tomorrow and she was so damn cute at the dress rehearsal that I almost died. Perhaps Big Love will need a quick course in CPR before tomorrow! She's in a Creative Movement class and a tumbling class. In the run through for the tumbling they were doing leap frog and she practically jumped on her friend's head at which me and her mother started laughing so hard WE bumped heads together. So fun. Definitely a great mom moment.

But what is pissing me off right now is the bad taste I have in mouth after trying to be polite and strike up a conversation with one of the other moms. Really, I shouldn't be surprised because this woman has made no attempt to converse with any of us other moms in the four and a half months we've been attending the classes. She mentioned being a member at one of the local country clubs and while my friend and I were trying to be friendly and chat a bit, she wouldn't even look at us. Seriously. Quite a bitchy thing to do. But I take these moments personally and waste too much time stewing and feeling shitty about myself after they happen. When really, I wasn't the one being a bitch.

So I'll smile, be happy that I was able to be there with a friend while Sweet One got to enjoy the whole experience with her friend. And be happy with that. Because it is good.

Worth a thousand bucks

Sweet One likes to hang out with me when I'm working out. She'll sit on the piano bench at the desk where the portable DVD player sits (I don't actually watch the DVDs, just listen) and tell me if I'm doing it right. Once in awhile she tells me how to fix it, "You need to do this, Mom!" as she does something with her body. Other times she might try to imitate what I'm doing. It's really cute.

This morning she spent nearly the whole half hour with me as I desperately tried to do my pilates. After awhile she got bored, went downstairs and returned with her little case of markers. She sat on the floor beside me and quietly drew a picture. It was the first time it resembled something. Up until now she's usually just scribbled here and there. I was so proud of her. And then she told me what it was:

"It's you exercising, Mom!"

She then tried to stick it on the closet door but it didn't work because it needed something sticky. Now residing on our fridge, I'm so excited that she's crossed this developmental milestone and will start creating wonderful things!

(And yes, it is quite likely that it resembles what I look like, trying to work away my pooch!)

Bits

Looks like I need a new header! That snow was rarely around this winter and spring has taken over with a few record highs and so much sunshine (with just enough overcast to remind me how hard my brain is on overcast).

Little Man has moved to one nap a day. I was so looking forward to that and now I sort of miss the quieter days! I would sometimes post while he was napping and Sweet One was watching TV but those times are gone. And while I remind myself that I haven't put anything down in this place for awhile, I'm so tired by the time things are quiet that I haven't one inch of energy to put words together.

I didn't think we'd put Sweet One in preschool but over the past week we have decided to do so. Big Love got a new gig that will add to our income enough to afford it. She seems so ready to learn more, constantly asking questions and the other side of it is, I feel like we're butting heads a little more than I'd like and I think having her at preschool will give us a bit of a break from each other. In a very good way. I'll use some of that time to go grocery shopping with Little Man and do other things perhaps.

My friend was over with her kids today. And it felt so much easier to be around her. We didn't get into politics, but some of the things we talked about made me realize I really don't have to worry about voicing my opinion. It makes me happy.

Because of when Sweet One will be in preschool I don't think going to the mom's group I've been attending will work out. The thing is, we went about 6 weeks without a meeting and I didn't miss it. Then I missed the last meeting but I didn't really miss it. Maybe I'm just more sad that there isn't a different mom's group in this tiny town where I'd feel like I fit in better. I don't know. Just something I'm pondering.

Did I mention I'm tired? Still not sleeping more than 4 hours (and I'm lucky to get that!) in a row at night. Sometimes it's the kids but other times it's just me.

See. Not that much has been happening. Nothing too exciting. Oh, except for the discovery under my dining room carpet and hopefully I'll get around to throwing some pictures up in the next few days!

(And I have one more week before the in-laws arrive.)

Bad timing under a dreary sky

I decided to set up my son's new 'lil Kawasaki this afternoon. It's been in its box since the beginning of April. I was a little dumb. Well, a lot dumb. The battery needs 18 hours to charge, stickers have to be put on and Sweet One needs to learn how to share.

It ended up with Sweet One throwing a piece of cardboard in her brother's face because she didn't want him to take a turn sitting on it. Time out! Screaming and pitching a fit because a) she didn't want a time out and b) her brother missed her and kept trying to get to her. A three minute time out took a very long time. Both of them were crying. I was trying to get the damn stickers on and Little Man kept trying to crawl up the stairs and get to his sister which led to me bringing him back down and him getting pissed and so he kept crying more. I really thought it would be a nice way to kill some dreary sky time.

Now, many minutes later the dust has settle, the stupid toy is in the basement for no one to play with until a better time and all I can hear is the crackle of rice cakes as they sit at the table and eat a snack. Bliss.

Keeping up with The Boys

A few days ago, the kids and I joined our friends who live across the street. It's pretty much where we spent the majority of our afternoons. Sweet One plays with The Boys (individually here after referred in their order of birth 1, 2 and 3), I chat with their mom and Little Man does what he does. 

This particular afternoon, Sweet One would not stop screaming at 3 and 2 to stop and slow down because they were scaring her. They were on their scooters, flying back and forth along the sidewalk while Sweet One ran alongside, desperately trying to keep up. She didn't want her bike. She wouldn't do anything else. No begging, pleading or bartering would help the situation. She was inconsolable. I had no idea what to do. After awhile, Daddio (their father) suggested I get her helmet and let her try the scooter. After all, 3 was on a scooter when he was 2 years old. I fought the urge to wet myself. She'd fall and it might chop off her arm! Or smash her beautiful face! The idea quite honestly scared me. I inwardly pondered it for awhile. Worried. Anxious. Desperately wanting to stop Sweet One from screaming but also wanting to keep her safe. I thought out loud a little bit more, chatting with Daddio and he explained that I could have 'that guy' hold her on it .... huh? Oh! Big Love was just arriving back from work. Yay! He's better at being brave with these things. (After all, the only reason Clare flew down a hill covered in snow by herself two winters ago was because I was at home sewing and he was with her!) I was relieved that Big Love could make 'the big decision' and I could blame him if she ended up in the ER! He figured it couldn't hurt.

We got her her helmet and from then nothing stopped her. She wouldn't let us help her and spent a very long time trying to figure it out on her own. Patiently doing it at her own pace. So happy to be doing what the boys were doing. So proud of herself.

Today we were coming home from a shopping trip and we saw the boys out playing. "Can I go and ride a scooter?" We weren't quite sure what the boys were up to but after asking to borrow and scooter and being told yes, it was another hour or so of working on her scootering skills. She's doing so well. Still not fast enough to scare me, but slowly finding her balance. In a few days, she'll be freestyling. And I'll be taking Xanax.

SAHM Seeking Confidence

Well, it seems a lack of confidence in my abilities is overwhelming me these days. I started reading a book my friend loaned me called Your Three Year Old. I've read the first chapter where they explain characteristics of the age and I didn't recognize anything until they started talking about 3 1/2.

Sweet One has definitely passed into the realm of 3 1/2 a few months early and this is not an easy stage. Quite frankly, I hate it. I don't feel like I am handling any of the challenges this stage presents in a decent way Sweet One can lose her mind over anything from eating to getting dressed. In between those moments she can be the most wonderful little girl in the world to the point that I wonder if I was imagining the tantrum that happened only moments before! But the moment we get back to a crappy moment I lose my mind as if we never had the lovely time at all! I don't like how I handle myself these days. I feel like shit about it. One reason for all this is maybe that Sweet One and I are a lot alike. (Didn't someone once tell me about a mother's curse?) Right now I'm wishing we had the money to send her to preschool next year. I think she'd love the learning and I'd love the break from her! Perhaps the challenges that preschool could give her would alleviate some of our issues. Unfortunately, I just don't think we'll be able to come up with the cash. Then again, Big Love mentioned that things could be completely different by then. It's all so dumb sometimes!

I'm convinced that the other reason why I can't get a grip on how I'm handling things is the fact that I don't have anything for myself outside of being a mum. I need to do something that gets my creative juices going! I'm hoping that maybe sewing a few things might help with this. The biggest problem to simply getting started is that I'm lacking a lot of confidence in that area. I used to make myself a skirt once in awhile and I have a number of dresses I made for myself but the shorts and shirt I screwed last summer are casting a huge shadow over everything. I do want to sew a few things for the kids, as these are often much more successful projects, but I need new clothes myself and suck at shopping so I'd like to not suck so much at sewing my own clothes! I'd even take a course or two but I can't seem to find any in my area. I have two cuts of fabric waiting to be made into projects. They're there. Washed. Staring me in the face every day. Now I just need to get sewing.

It seems as if I'm the only one lacking confidence. Would you believe that Sweet One started trying to ride a scooter yesterday? I was a little scared. But leading up to this, two of the boys were zooming back and forth while Sweet One screamed at them to stop and be careful. No matter what I did, she wouldn't stop screaming. After awhile their dad said, "Why don't you go and get her helmet and let her ride that one. The youngest one was riding a scooter at her age." He was right. The kid was and he was fine. I was scared but Big Love was behind me as he had just gotten back from work and he's much better at the "it can't hurt" approach. So we went ahead. The moment we asked her if she would like to try riding a scooter she stopped screaming. She was excited and ready to figure it out. She didn't get going very fast at all but she had so much patience with herself. For over an hour she kept trying and trying at her own pace, not getting mad when she'd couldn't go as fast as the boys.

I need to find some of the confidence I used to have in my abilities. More patience with myself wouldn't hurt either. Maybe this little girl is going to keep teaching me how to be a better person.

Happy Birthday, Little Man!

Little Man's birthday was this past Sunday and it was wonderful. Unbeknownst to me, Sweet One was having a second wave of being sick (which then got diagnosed as a sinus infection on Tuesday) but she sure didn't show it as she played with their friends and fulfilled her role as the little host very well. She passed out the balloons and the treats. She also helped Little Man open his gifts!

Little Man spent most of his time showing off his new walking skills. It blew my mind that only three days before he took four little steps to me and by Sunday he was putting a dozen together! These little kids and their ability to master new skills will never cease to amaze me.

One of my favorite parts of this party was that we had kids there. When Sweet One turned 1 our guests were six adults all past the age of retirement. It is so nice that things have changed in the past three years. I had some crafts for the kids to do because I was a little worried about having 9 adults and 7 kids in my little house but the chaos ended up seeming more manageable that I had anticipated.

Little Man wanted nothing to do with the cupcakes of his cake, preferring the chocolate head instead. He isn't that much unlike the caterpillar - gorging himself when he can so that his body can always be ready for the new ways he will grow!

 I still have a lot to learn about cake decorating, but I was happy that the only after photo I have of it involved crumbs and a few leftovers rather than a crime scene of dolls and icing!

We're told over and over as parents to enjoy it while it lasts. They'll never be as little as they are right now. And it is true. The immensity of growth and change that happens in a child's first year is not something I have the words to describe. I only know that a year ago he was my little helpless baby who did not much more than to eat, poop and sleep. Now he is blazing his own path, a few steps at a time, as he learns to walk and voice his opinion in the only ways he can. The smile in his eyes when he sees me will melt my heart forever, just as the way he flops his head sideways on me to say, "I love you, MumMum!". I want to hold these moments forever because I know it won't be long before he is a three year old who is making me wonder if I'm going to survive the year! (Yes, today had some particularly difficult minutes! A few of which I wish I could change.)

Happy Birthday, Little Man. You are amazing. I don't know what I would do without you and I hope I can mother you in the way you deserve and help you grow to be a confident and courageous man.

Five days of single parenting

Last Thursday, Big Love took off for four nights to do his study leave. (He gets 2 weeks of study leave a year but only uses one because his budget barely covers that when used very carefully.) I stayed home with the kids. Alone. At first I was scared but then I ended up having some moments of feeling very proud of myself.

I found myself being patient for the day to pass by. How many times I've looked at the clock with dismay as I realize there another hour or two until Big Love gets home from work. But I didn't do that. After dropping Big Love off at the airport Thursday morning, we got home, the kids napped and then we took off to go for a special walk on a local bike path. Sweet One is doing amazing riding her bike.

Friday went well until it was 330 and we were getting Sweet One ready for her dance class. It was time to put ponytails in her hair and she lost it. Biggest. Tantrum. Ever. How does a three year old learn to slam doors? It was insane and I felt beat up from it for a long time. We got to dance class a few minutes late after walking with Sweet One riding her bike. I was the mother constantly getting after her to hurry up. Trying to impress that we were going to be late because of her behavior. She's too young for that, really, but I still tried. The door was closed when we got there and at first I let her think she might not get in. She was upset but then we knocked on the door and the teacher let us in and I was finally allowed to put ponytails in her hair! I don't remember how the rest of the day went. I just know the glass of wine once the kiddos were sleeping was a welcome visitor.

Saturday was a good day. Rainy and drizzly but good. Sweet One started telling me her mouth hurts but then I managed to help her figure out that it was actually her throat. We went to Sweet One's surrogate grandma's house for a visit where it became very apparent that Sweet One was a little out of sorts about her dad being gone. We made it through the rest of the day and enjoyed some chocolate cupcakes which brought  up her spirits. By the end of the day, I felt really good about how the day went and wasn't feeling completely wasted by the end of the day.

Sunday morning Sweet One woke up with a cold and Little Man woke up with another fever. The day was hard. Despite being continually medicate, Little Man's fever sat around 102 the entire day. He needed to be held A LOT. We played outside with our friends but Little Man just wasn't feeling well. Sweet One had her moments as well. By the end of the day, I felt wasted. I started hoping desperately for a decent night's sleep because I hadn't had any over the previous chunk of days.

Monday morning Sweet One was a little better but Little Man was not. We got through the morning and the naps before we loaded up the car to go and get Big Love. I had to do a few errands before picking him up and so we stopped at two big box store. There was a strong wind and when we got from the car to the store and Little Man was in a cart, he started shivering. I was worrying. At the second store, his head was so hot and he could barely sit up straight because he was so tired. I hated it. I felt like a terrible mother that I couldn't just keep him at home but luckily our shopping took less than an hour.

Sweet One yelled, "Daddy!" and ran to him the moment she saw him. When he sat down I started to relax. I no longer felt like it was all on me to care for the kids and that felt great. My kids are not accustomed to a parent being away at all and so it was hard. Had they not gotten sick, it would have been much easier.

Big Love didn't go to work the next day but I sure felt strange. After such an intense 5 days, my body was crashing. I'm now onto my third day of being sick and I'm hoping it won't last much longer. With two kids, I can't actually find any time to nap or rest during the day so it's hard to plug along. I would love to have a chunk of time to just be by myself but it isn't going to happen any time soon.

(And one little bitch. Big Love got to go to New York City two times on his study leave. Once upon a time my sister asked me if I wanted to go there with her and when I checked with him he seriously whined, "you'd go without me?" On his behalf, we were newly weds. But how times have changed! My bucket list has a visit to NYC on there. I've wanted to go for a very long time.)

People who have to single parent on a regular basis are my new heroes! My hope for every single parent would be that they have a support network so they can have a little time to themselves now and again.

Sunday is Little Man's 1st Birthday! I can't believe it is here so quickly. We're going to have some people over and I'm going to prepare a little bit of food (previously I've always prepared too much). It should be a nice afternoon. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and the kids can play outside because I can't imagine 7 kids and 10 adults in our house. It might get a little crazy!

Enough already!

It amazes me how fully my kids live each moment. If they're happy, they beam and smile with every inch of their bodies. If they're pissed, well the whole world is gonna know. And between these two extremes there is so much that happens. The life I see in their eyes as they learn and explore everything around them is inspiring. I love how much they love their life and how proud they are of themselves and what they accomplish each and every day. I've said it before and I will say it until the day that I die, I will do everything in my power to help them grow and strengthen in who they are; I want them to be courageous in who they are and each step they take.

When she was around 3 I remember holding my niece's face as she looked up at me and I told her that she was beautiful and that I wanted her to always remember that. Today I learned that this perfect girl is being bullied. I am sickened. I am angry. I am sad. I do not know any particulars, only that she has been having major struggles with getting to sleep and is constantly complaining about stomach aches that my sister is relating to anxiety.

The part of my mum brain that finds ridiculous things to worry about before they are even close to being a possibility has always been afraid of my kids being bullied. Big Love was bullied a when he was in school. To what extent he never says. He only says it is in the past and doesn't matter anymore. He was a skinny kid who was a year and a half younger than his classmates. Very smart. And he wasn't very good at sports. He was the kid who often got picked last. I'm afraid that what happened to him will happen to our kids.

Bullying makes me sick. I hate the stories of children committing suicide because they are being bullied in school, I hate everything that comes of bullying. For some children to be raised believing it is ok to treat other people so poorly is wrong and I pray hard that one day it will end. I never want the light in my kid's eyes to be extinguished by anything or anyone. I do not want anyone to tell them they are not good enough or beautiful enough - or worse, that they would ever believe those words. There is not an inch of them I do not think is absolutely perfect in every way.

I hope my niece can get the help she needs to function better. I hope her bully gets the help s/he needs to stop being angry and hurting my niece.