A rose by any other name

Hot stuff, beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, love ... just some of the names by which Big Love calls me. Of my little list there, the last one is the only one I really believe. (When we first started dating he called me 'baby' but I put an end to that quickly.) So sometimes I bug him and make comments that he doesn't know my name or can't pronounce it. Then he says it. And it sounds so strange and awkward coming from his mouth. He's even tripped over it a few times. I don't know why this has been bothering me so much lately, but it has. Sometimes I don't feel like I know who I am; I don't feel like myself and I'm a little lost. Maybe my brain is weaving that into the whole name thing and making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to. For some reason it has been bothering me more and more lately. I want scream something but I'm not sure what. I guess it's a good thing that I'll start seeing my counselor in a week from tomorrow!

Favorite time of night

In a few minutes I will be enjoying one of my favorite times of the day - bedtime. Or should I say, the few minutes before I crawl into bed. I go into Sweet One's room and check on her. Lately it isn't always as interesting as it used to be when I could find her in any position, sprawl either which way across the bed. Now, she's usually sleeping all snug in her bed. I make sure she has her covers on and then I sneak out and go to our room.

Walking into our room, I place my tongue in the perfect spot and then cross my third and fourth toes as I try to make it into my bed without waking up Little Man. His crib is still in our room and sometimes we wake him up. Other times he sleeps soundly through our entrances and after I am comfy in my bed, I do not full exhale until I hear a few sounds from him.

***
Big Love and I had a short chat tonight. I'll be ok. We'll be ok. One day I might get a stroller when he figures out just how to go about it! I guess I should be happy that I never got a broiling pan as that was what his mother got her first Christmas with my FIL!

No Santa for Mama

It's Boxing Day today. (Yes, I know it's just the day after Christmas here in the states but it's one more Canadianism I'm not willing to give up!) Sweet One and I just got back from a walk where she pushed her baby in the new stroller all the way. It was pretty cute to watch. She kept up a pretty good pace, not stopping to look at things around but determined to simply go for a walk. She's pretty excited about that gift and I think I'm safe in saying it is one of her favorites, along with the train set that Santa brought for her and Little Man. Unfortunately, the train set has been taken apart and is sitting out of her sight until tonight as I desperately try to impress upon her that it is not ok to bite her brother. My hopes were so high after a full 15 days where no biting took place. But today is day 5 of back to biting and I'm feeling crushed.

That's the thing for me when I get my hopes up. If I take the chance and hope that something might be where I'd ideally like it and then doesn't attain this, I'm crushed. Take for instance that moment when all the gifts are opened and I never got my 'stroller'. After spending every evening since Thanksgiving preparing Christmas for my loved ones, I have again fallen victim to hoping Santa might be able to figure out something that I'd be so excited to have that I'd be ready to take it for a walk rather than just grabbing a few things off my amazon wish list. Maybe I'm at fault because part of the reason I keep my amazon list is to remind myself of books that are recommended or to keep track of larger items in case they go on sale. But it's also not like I'm expecting something big and shiny because in the end, I'm a simple girl. As I alternate between to pairs of cheap jeans each day and outwardly express how jealous I am of all the nice clothes my daughter has, it would have meaned the world to me to get a piece of paper with "you get a nice new pair of jeans" scribbled on it. I've been known to remark how funny it is that the leather gloves I wear were left behind in my voice studio seven years ago by someone who didn't want them back because they had a few holes in them. A few holes? I guess I don't care. But I do. I don't go out and buy those kind of things for me because I don't feel like we can afford them and that I can make do, but I'm starting to feel embarrassed about how sloppy I look.

I always hope that after spending so much time perusing the internets trying to find just the right gifts that might bring a little smile of surprise to my nearest and dearest I would not end up feeling like an after thought.  I was silly enough that Santa would have pieced together a few of my not-so-subtle "why are my children dressed better than me" moments. But I also feel like an asshole when I am tearing up thinking of all the nice clothes everyone else in my house got when there are people out there who would have given anything for even a portion of what I did get. I guess I have a lot of growing up to do. But for now, I'll just try to be a better person tomorrow as I attempt to hide the back fat that keeps peeking out from under this shirt I'm wearing because none of the four shirts and three or four sweaters I alternate between are all in the wash.

All that matters is what he thinks

I felt fortunate last night to fall asleep almost immediately after my head hit the pillow and staying asleep until 4:15. I didn't go back to sleep and then with Sweet One waking at 5:00 I was up for awhile, desperately hoping that she'd go back to sleep and we could put an end to this gong show of a sleeping habit she's been in since November began. What the hell is it with November and December for her? I was able to get another hour of sleep after Big Love took Sweet One downstairs at 6:20.

I got up at 7:30, showered and got ready to go to MOPS. My second meeting and despite my trepidation about taking part in something lead by fundamental conservation christians, I was looking forward to going somewhere to meet other moms and let Sweet One have some time on her own with kids her age. (The first time I went I cried when I left her in the age appropriate room and she went on to thoroughly enjoy herself!)

When I came downstairs I put The Simpsons Season 8 in a gift bag and told Sweet One to give it to her Daddy and say Happy Birthday. She was very excited and as she handed the bag to him she said, "Happidy!" Big Love was excited to get another season as it is his favorite show.

After MOPS, Sweet One and I came home and had lunch with Big Love. He decided to take today off from work because he didn't want to work on his 30th birthday. I don't blame him at all. After Sweet One was sleeping I tried to rest but couldn't and so I went on some errands. In just under two hours I stopped at 9 different places and while it sounds like a lot was accomplished, it truly wasn't. Frustrating.

After I got home I went upstairs and put Dostoyevsky's The Brothers Karamazov in the same gift bag as before and Sweet One repeated her role. Quite cute. Big Love thought the edition was beautiful and so that gift was a success! (I don't think he's ever read a book written since 1900 as long as I've known him!) We proceeded to just hang out and at one point I got mad at Big Love for not choosing Super Shipper Saving on my Christmas present from amazon. There is nothing more I hate than paying for shipping when I don't have to because I'd rather that go into a bill or another little something for me - wasted money makes me physically ill! Since I knew what my present is, I also knew the shipping would be a little too much.

I went into the kitchen to work on the toppings for Big Love's birthday cheesecake. I lifted the bowl off the plate and was completely flattened when I saw it. It looked like someone stepped on it. (I love cheesecake and there is truly no place in this town where I can go and get anything other than a New York cheesecake and so I am hoping to one day figure out how to make a decent cheesecake. I cried over this one because I was just so disappointed that his cake didn't turn out better. I don't know what I'm doing wrong and I don't know anyone who can give me pointers!) Big Love came to see what was wrong and had a chuckle but said that it will be fine and that it looks delicious. I put the toppings on it and I still feel like it looks like something I find in Sweet One's diaper.

Luckily the dinner I made turned out just as it should have.

We ate some cheesecake before taking Sweet One up for her bath and two hours later I am just finally starting to feel like I can breathe again! There was one more present for Big Love and I carefully had Sweet One cradle it in her arms as she carried a bottle of Vintage Port to him, wrapped beautifully in the paper bag it came in. The look on his face was sheer delight and he said, "this has been a good day".

I had been spending so much of my energy holding myself together as best I could, and feeling like I was failing, that I didn't imagine it could have been a good day for him. But I guess that's all that matters. With very little going on and a few presents spread out throughout the day, my husband will leave his twenties behind him without a regret. He will continue to be the optimist he is, looking forward with hope and more patience for me than I deserve. Despite the fact that he wastes money on shipping, he is truly a great man.

Sweet One went to sleep without any troubles and after doing a short yoga program I have collapsed on the couch where I feel much better. One more catharsis to leave me feeling better than when I started.

What to get Big Love

December begins tomorrow and with it, one of the busiest times in our year. With Big Love being a church musician, everything starts now and he ends up putting in more hours than usual both because he feels he has more prep work to do and because the church people demand more of him. (There are times that the latter part bothers me because some of their expectations are ridiculous and would never be present at a different church.)

Mixed in with all of his work comes much celebration for us. Big Love's birthday is 10 days before Christmas, then there is Christmas, followed by the in-laws short visit and Sweet One's 2nd birthday exactly two weeks after Christmas. So much in a short amount of time. I can honestly say that I made sure baby #2 would be born at least a few months away from all of this commotion!

I'm completely at a loss of what to do for Big Love's birthday. It is his 30th and so I feel like I want to recognize it differently than the quiet way we've celebrated his other birthdays. I want to buy him a special gift he is truly a person who wants for nothing. Sure, there are a few books and CDs in his wish list but nothing that could be 'the wonderful gift I got for my 30th birthday'. (Now, we don't spend a whole lot of money on gifts, usually they end up around $100 in total for any occasion.) He is not a gadget guy, his interests for hobbies lie within his work and I can honestly say that I have never ever heard him say "I'd like to have" in regards to anything.

I also want to give him something a little special to say thank you - for waking up early with Sweet One so I can get some extra sleep, for enabling me to get my workout done on the days when I feel like I really need to, for not getting cranky when the evening comes and I collapse on the couch because almost every muscle in my body is aching, for never getting mad when I snap at him because I feel like shit, for not complaining that he's had no physical affection since I got pregnant (oh, he did gently remind me that I don't even kiss him these days), for doing the dishes so often because he knows I hate doing dishes, for not giving me shit that he comes home to a house that is littered with duplo, spongy blocks and colored balls, for making sure I can go to a movie when I want to, ..... and the list goes on and on.

So what do I buy for a man who wants nothing and doesn't play with gadgets? I have no idea. But really, I also need to figure out Christmas at the same time!

I want to be a bitch rather than gracious and understanding

My in-laws recently emailed me asking about Christmas lists and if they could come for a visit next month. This is quite a surprise as they usually give us much more warning about when they want to come and also December is probably one of the busiest times for Big Love. I have no idea why they directed the email in a joint account to just me because if they knew my initial reaction was to scream NO! they might have also addressed it to Big Love!

I wish I was one of those women who got excited at the idea of the in-laws visiting but I simply am not and can't seem to be no matter how hard I try. The conversation wraps around and repeats so many times that I get dizzy out of boredom and I truly can not relate to my MIL's life. She's retired from her part-time work at retail stores and, from what I can tell, spends it watching tv and reading. Sometimes Big Love will call and my FIL is out doing something on his day off and she is still at home doing nothing. She doesn't have any friends that she gets together with, doesn't do crafts or bake or cook to pass the time. She's quiet, prim and proper and likes to glare at me when I say things she either doesn't understand or thinks is ridiculous. I find this very hard to relate to and it exhausts me to be tiptoeing around my personality in fear of doing something that might blow the roof off.

Sweet One and I have also been battling a relapse of whatever it was we were sick with a few weeks ago. Add the time change being something she hasn't adapted to and we're all very tired here. For instance, this morning she woke up at 5:04. I went in to try and get her back to sleep and at 5:20 I left to use the bathroom. She started crying again and so I spent the next hour and ten minutes sitting on the cold hardwood floor with my arm between the slats of her crib trying to keep her relaxed and resting. Big Love came in when she started talking at 6:30 to find me lying on the floor between the crib and the wall. (We have to pull the crib out from the wall or she turns on and off the light instead of sleeping.) I'm exhausted and she's exhausted. Big Love is also very tired with a demanding month ahead. The idea of having to cook and clean for anyone at all for a 'few' (curious about their definition of that word) days makes me want to cry.

I am trying to believe in the importance of putting myself in their shoes as well. I understand it can be hard for them to be away from Sweet One and it would be good for her to have time with her grandparents. Also, Big Love is approaching his 30th birthday so there is no doubt in my mind that that is part of the reason they want to come to visit. I have told Big Love that in the end it is his parents and if he'd really like them to come he can make that decision and I'll suck it up. Because every once in awhile you have to do something you don't really want to for the rest of your family. He'd just better find a way to take a few days off work so I'm not stuck with them on my own for the majority of the time because the last time that happened I almost lost my mind.

I think I'll keep him

I've had two nights and one full day as a single mom and it isn't going too bad. At first I realized there were a few nice things about being on my own.

Lately, between me, Big Love and the maternity pillow it has been getting a little cramped in the bed so I was excited to have it all to myself. My last two sleeps have been a little less disrupted than other nights but last night after being in bed for just over an hour, Sweet One woke me up and I realized that I was still cold. I hadn't yet warmed up and my feet felt like ice. Usually I would have had them tucked under Big Loves long, skinny legs to warm up but that didn't seem to be an option!

Pesto. It is lovely. It's the only reason I grow parsley and basil (because I rarely remember to use it fresh during the summer) and so I make a bunch and freeze it. I can't use it for a family meal because "oh my god it is made of cheese and cheese is evil because it is made by letting something curdle and go bad and it stinks unless it is mozarella and only on pizza" and so I was able to enjoy it last night without making someone's stomach churn! But then when dinner was done and I was feeling a little pooped, as I often do these days, I realized that I would be the one to do dishes. I kinda hate doing dishes.

After getting Sweet One to bed last night, I came downstairs to watch The Boys Are Back (it was interesting but it didn't hold my attention very well) and realized that there was still stuff on the floor. Since I'm the only one 'allowed' to put her to sleep, the living room has often been tidied by the time I get downstairs. It only took a few minutes but every inch of me wanted to collapse on the couch. And I had to get the cloth diapers dried and folded, which is often something Big Love takes on. I did like being able to hunker down and watch a chick flick without feeling bad for taking the tv hostage and leaving Big Love to figure out what he was going to do.

I've woken up with Sweet One the last two mornings, obviously because I'm not going to let her take care of herself while I catch a little more sleep, but usual Big Love does because my sleep can be so disrupted. Luckily, over the past while I've been falling asleep easily after I wake up (KNOCK ON A FOREST!!!) and so getting up hasn't been too bad - and Sweet One hasn't woken up before 7!

After a full day of thinking that being on my own wasn't too bad, I talked to Big Love on the phone and kept rambling and repeating myself to keep the conversation a little longer even though we were both tired. I guess I missed him!

It seems that Sweet One is ready for her morning poopy bum change - which Big Love usually takes care of. Just one more reason the Cons outweigh the Pros. I guess it's nice to have him around and so I won't get rid of him any time soon.

Switching outlooks

One of the greatest things about Big Love is that he is level headed. Constantly reminding me that things will be okay when all I want to do is fly off the handle and have one of my freak outs. We definitely balance each other out! But right now I'm not so sure.

With our recent issues at the border and the realization that our green cards may not go as smoothly as we'd like, Big Love has been taking every chance he can to mention that we might be sent packing with a moments notice. Meanwhile, I'm desperately trying to picture us here, in our home as long as we want to - to be able to leave on our own terms.

I'm worried as to how Big Love's lack of confidence in our situation may cause me to lose my mind. Sweet One and I walked Big Love to work today and as we were walking into the parking lot something came up to which he answered, "then again, we may end up there a year from now" or something like that. I wanted to scream, "you can't lose it on me or I'll go insane and then I'll be the biggest basket-case you've ever seen for the next 10 months!" Instead, I quietly told him that he needs to be positive or we're gonna be screwed.

I need him to be stable for us. I need him to reassure me, not the other way around. This is how it has always been and that is how we are supposed to function as a couple! At least in my brain. I've decided that each day I'm going to take some time to visualize things as we want the outcome to be. Perhaps the universe will agree.

The sweetest half full cup of coffee I'll ever have

This past April, my birthday present from Big Love paid hommage to the Gilmore Girls and my love of them. One Dragonfly Inn t-shirt, a replacement for the "Everything I need to know I learned from the Gilmores" tshirt he had shrunk, and a coffee cup. I had to explain the irony of the caption on the cup to Big Love and then he chuckled. I can honestly say that despite two visitor's attempts, no one else has used this cup and it is the only one I drink my coffee out of! If I don't have girlfriends here to have coffee with, I'll make believe I do!

Lately Big Love has been making coffee for me in the mornings. You might think this isn't a big deal but when the guy doesn't drink coffee himself, except for the occasional mocha which he sucks back like it is oxygen, it really is a treat. A simple romantic gesture.

The day before we left for our latest trip to Montreal, I was down to one tablespoon of beans. I was fine with that because I planned to hop in the car early the next morning and get my coffee on the road, forgetting that I would need some coffee that day. To my surprise, the coffee was made and as I started to pour myself a cup I realized that it was done before I started. I only had half a cup. So I turned to Big Love, asked why he made such a small portion and received this response: "I figured that it would be better to have a small amount of stronger coffee than an entire pot of weak ass coffee." He was so right! And indeed that half cup was strong. So I filled it up with some water and had a perfectly balanced, full cup of coffee that morning!

Reinventing date night

Our evenings are often spent in the living with something on the telly occupying my brain as a means to shut it off. I keep telling myself that we're not missing out on dates because we never used to go on them much anyway. Trying to be careful with money, we rarely went out for dinner and only ventured to the big cities for a concert three or four times since we moved here. Our last guests kept insisting how important it is to have some time - just the two of us - regardless of what we did.

With a bottle of chilled white wine left over from said friends, we decided to take it out onto the porch after Sweet One fell asleep. Despite getting the table and chairs when the in-laws were here, I had spent very little time using them.

Before we knew it, almost two hours had passed. My quiet husband who keeps most things locked up in his brain until he fully understands them talked just as much as I did. We laughed at ourselves and our families, shared our worries and were able to reconnect and focus on each other in a way we haven't for awhile. Surprisingly, the conversation wasn't even about Sweet One! A husband and wife enjoying each other's company.

No longer do I feel like we need a fancy restaurant or brilliant concert to attend in order to have a date. I need to stop going directly to the tv every night once Sweet One is asleep and enjoy my husband's company. We have made a date for next Sunday night. We'll pick up a bottle of wine and then maybe some lovely chocolate!

(Sweet One had a bit of a difficult day and now with my gin and tonic I am sitting across the table. It is nice not to have my brain numbed immediately!)

Learning about love

Sweet One seemed to want to run around outside rather than for a ride in the car to the local home improvement store and so Big Love put his shoes on and was ready for some play in the sun. My friends and I left for the store.

About 45 minutes later we returned to the house. One of my favorite pictures was in front of me: Big Love sitting on the grass while Sweet One walked around him looking and picking at different things in the grass. "They're still outside! That's not at all surprising. She could spend all day outside," I said as I stopped the car.

I got out of the car and heard Big Love say "Let's get you some water," to Sweet One as we walked up the stairs to the house. I reached for the knob, turned it and was immediately stopped by the locked door. "I locked you out of the house?" "Yes. But the good thing is that none of our windows open from the outside! That's also why I need to get the sippy cup."

In my excitement to be with my friends and think of what I needed to get ready for a trip to the store, I locked the door automatically without even thinking that it was unnecessary since Big Love and Sweet One would be home. I just stood there, dumbfounded and humbled. I looked at my friends and I looked at Big Love: "If you had done that I would have been pissed and gotten mad at you!" "I know."

There are so many little moments like this where Big Love teaches me what is worth getting upset about and what is not. And what it means to patiently and completely love someone.

SOKC - A Sleepy One Kid Christmas

For the most part, I don't mind living away from my family. I don't even mind having a quiet Christmas with just the three of us here. Making our own traditions, not having to plan our day around everyone else's schedule - a quiet day or two where we spend time together. Christmas always felt very stressful for me and, quite honestly, depressing prior to having Big Love in my life. This is why I am content here with our family and his church schedule. But there is always one day prior to Christmas Eve and Day that I do wish it was easier to see my family at this time of year. And today, it seems like it is the day.

I haven't put our tree up yet because I don't want to spend every moment chasing after Sweet One and trying to catch the tree as she pulls it over. Our mantel and tv storage thing is decorated.

In the perfect world which I imagine in my head, I want to have another child who is about 2 years younger than Sweet One. Right now I see a problem with that. The idea of ever having a second child right now is the most terrifying thing in the world. We have been working SO hard over the past two months to get Sweet One sleeping better and it doesn't feel like we're getting anywhere. It is getting harder and harder to be productive in my days when I am this exhausted. It doesn't feel like it will ever get any better and the idea of being pregnant again and doing this all over makes me want to jump off the roof of my house. I know many parents out there have problems with children and sleep. It is crazy how it can become all consuming in a day.

I think we have one of those phone systems that can only send calls and not receive them.

Sweet One loves to drink water out of my glass. She giggles just before she is about to drink and then after. It is so cute. There are moments like this that make the lack of sleep worth it. Thank God. Otherwise I think I'd jump off the roof of my house.

in the parking lot of a grocery store

I had just taken my keys from Sweet One so that I could get her into the car. A few screams of "Dammit, mama, I want those keys", me trying to reason and offer her my purse instead and within a moment or two she was fine. Another young mother with a son in tow smiled at me as she walked towards her vehicle which was parked next to mine (funny how when I passed her twice in the aisles she made sure she didn't look my way). The he said, "Hey Trouble". To which she answered, "Me? Trouble?". I looked behind me and there was a guy about our age in a car talking to her. I didn't continue to listen in as I wanted to get home so I could get Big Love's Birthday dinner cooking. But then a few minutes later I heard this:

Her: You need to use some birth control, [dude].

Him: It doesn't work!

Her: Well, maybe you need to turn it off.

Him: My Grandmother thinks the same thing.

I had to get a bit better view of who she was talking to and with this conversation in my head, I had a mild reminder of Cleetus and his crew. An older large sedan that had this guy talking and easily five children in it with him. He drove away, she turned around and looked at me as she said, "That was the nicest way I could say that." All I could do was laugh out loud. I'm still laughing about it!

Now as I try to get the blueberry out of my hair that I found just now, so kindly placed by Sweet One, I will get off the computer and go and have Birthday Cake with Big Love. It's nothing fancy but the icing (frosting is the term used this side of the border) recipe I found here is freakin' awesome - and simple to make!

So Happy 29th Birthday my love. Thank you for being the man you are. You love Sweet One and I patiently and completely. You take care of me at moments when I'm not sure you'd be able to. You are my rock and my best friend - and a wonderful father to our little girl. We are both very fortunate to have you in our lives. Here's to another 29 years ... at least.

Because I'm not yet pulling my hair out..

...I thought I'd get a post out. There's been a few things lately that I have thought of mentioning here but by the time I am able to start typing, it is "that time" again and my hair starts to tingle. So I decided that I will get them out there now before "that time" arrives!

***One***

I told a story this story at my wedding reception: Big Love moved into my apartment with me two weeks before our wedding and in this time the carpets in the hallway had been cleaned leaving behind a nasty odor. We opened the windows in the apartment, despite the cool temperature outside, to try and get rid of the smell. When it was time to go to bed I was dreading getting into a cold bed. After spending some time washing my face I walk into our room to find Big Love on "my side" of the bed. I thought he was be

ing a dork because he was new to the idea that there were "sides" to the bed. He had a bit of a mischievous smile on his face and so I asked why he was being a dork and on my side of the bed. His answer was, "I was warming up your side for you."

A few days ago Big Love went to bed to read a few minutes before I was done watching tv and I crawled into my cold side of the bed, complaining that the romance had died because he no longer warmed my side of the bed for me. (To be honest, if the bed is a little chilly at first it can take me quite awhile to warm up and actually fall asleep.) The next night I came into the room to find Big Love on my side and I looked at him, teasingly asked what he was doing there, and then smiled as he told me he was warming it up for me.

Big Love is not a man of grand romantic gestures, but he is always trying to make my day a little brighter.

***Two***

Sweet One has started holding he head against mine when I pick her up after she has been sleeping. I love her hugs!

***

Despite their simplicity these two things have been beams of sunshine in my days.

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving! Growing up we always had the dinner on Sundays and so tonight we will be having Turkey thighs, garden carrots and the Chai-Spiced Pumpkin Cheesecake I baked last night.

A few things about Big Love

1. He laughs when I bring him home "Senior Multi-Vitamins" - he doesn't like swallowing pills and they were chewable
2. This morning I watched the season premiere of Grey's (was in complete disbelief that it was George who died the ENTIRE time) and so didn't get the vacuuming done as I often do on Big Love's day off. I told him that I wasn't going to be able to fully relax once I put Sweet One to bed and before I finished my sentence, he asked if I'd like him to vacuum the floor while I gave her her bath. Ahhh.
3. Even though I have outbursts like yesterday that continue on into today (it only lasted for a few minutes today), he is still patient and loving and without judgement.
4. I love tv more than he and there are times that he will sit in the living room with me, watching reruns of Gilmore Girls just to be with me. (I'm almost done and I will be able to say that I have watched every. single. episode.)
5. When I accidentally put too much salt in the kale (I was experimenting on a new way to cook it) he profusely apologized for being a bad husband and not finishing what I made him for dinner. A few minutes later I quit eating it, too, because the salt was awful.
6. He has been counting down the days until Sweet One and I go to Montreal (we start out in 5 sleeps!). Not because he wants to get rid of us but because he knows how important time with my friend is for my sanity. He was the one who strongly encouraged me to buy the train tickets.
7. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, desperately hoping that I will stop struggling with all my postpartum woes. (How does Chyler Leigh look so amazing postpartum in Grey's?)

Love: three stages of

Big Love showed up in my life at a perfect point in my life. But Irene Nemirovsky says it with much more grace than I:

"Some else to love, of course. But the way to find him (I mean a true, sincere love) is not to think about it too much, not to yearn for him. Otherwise you make the wrong choice. You imagine you see love in the first and most ordinary face you come across. I hope with all my heart that one day, later on, she'll remarry, but first she must find peace again."

And now, when the five strawberry plants I planted have only one beautifully sweet, red strawberry, Big Love picks it and brings it into the house for me to eat.

So I hope that our marriage last so that I never have to place this ad which was in the paper today:

BRIDAL GOWN valued at $1800. sz. 12 w/gauntlet & veil & 2 cremilin skirts. Worn once by mistake asking $400.

Then again, I only paid $400 for my dress in the first place!