The world is getting bigger

It was a big day today for my Little Man. Unfortunately, despite getting out for my morning run nice and early, I wasn't moving quite as quickly as I should've once I got back and we were running a bit late. He got on his bike and we headed down to "my new preschool". At the moment that I had to hug him and say goodbye he was holding onto my hand pretty hard. He's always held onto me a little more than Sweet One does. (She ran off to her first day of Kindergarten last week like a star!) I gave him a huge hug and told him we'd go out for lunch when he was all done his first day. "I want to go to Wendy's." Anywhere you'd like, kid.

I couldn't get to the coffee shop fast enough. Why is it so comforting to hold onto a cup of coffee? There are moments in my day where I feel like if I can just rest that cup in my hands, against my chest then I can breathe. Across the street is Sweet One's school and I had to drop off her water bottle that Big Love forgot to put in her lunch bag. ("I want a sandwich, an apple and water for my lunch. Every day.")

I have plans for my 2.5 hours, 3 times a week when I am on my own. I'm going to practice and then I'm going to work on all the projects we have that need to get done at the house. My hope is that maybe if those projects get done other things will fall into place and we'll get to move and our house will sell.

After 5.5 years of ignoring a big part of myself and being at home with the kids, it is weird that right now it is all about me. They are off exploring new things and having new adventures without me as their world gets bigger. And while my heart feels like it might break right now, I'm looking forward to what I might be able to accomplish for myself and with our house in over the next chunk of time.

Progress

"Holding in negative emotions such as grief and anger is exhausting. Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing, movement, tears, singing, or making sounds frees us up to live full, vibrant lives."

"We all have a beautiful light within... We just sometimes forget it is there." - John Holland

I have read both of these quotes through Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Facebook Page. (Did anyone else laugh their ass off at the Wayne Dyer reference on American Hustle?)

I have practiced 16 of the last 22 days. That's a lot for me. I didn't even practice on my own that much when I was singing regularly in choirs. Some days I have dragged myself through every minute of it, some have had moments to keep me going and then I have a day like today. Where everything sits well. I feel pieces of my emotional being finding their place. It feels good and it will keep me going even if the next 5 practice sessions suck.

For the first time in my life I am practicing for myself because I want to find my voice. I knew that when I started singing again it would have to be for myself only and not because I had people at the church nagging me to do so. I have no desire to sing in the church services right now. Maybe down the road that will change but right now I'm singing the music that keeps me going. And it feels very good.

Lost voice

Singing always came very easy for me. Learning the notes was never a challenge nor was memorizing. Because of this I was always able to get away with a minimal amount of work. During my degrees, singing in choirs throughout the week also helped work on my endurance and so I never had to practice for hours on my own. The requirements for my degrees kept me moving forward and doing what needed to be done. But that was it.

At this point in my life singing has never been more difficult. It is the hardest thing I am trying to do. After 4.5 years of not singing I started up again. We've had a surrogate family since the day we arrived all those years ago and when patriarch passed away I had no choice but to offer to sing at his funeral. I felt something in my spirit and I couldn't ignore it. A nagging sensation came after me and I ran upstairs to see if I could perhaps sing the piece that was spinning through my head. When I realized there was something there I phoned our friend and offered to sing for her father's funeral. I phoned before I could spend any time second guessing my choice and scare myself out of it. I truly believe that this moment was one of spirit and not of me.

The whole process of getting the piece ready was interesting. Learning the notes wasn't an issue, the challenge was getting some degree of technique back. My voice was so out of shape but I kept working at it day by day with a motivation I've never had before. I'm thankful for it because I accomplished a lot. It wasn't brilliant, but it was damn good considering I hadn't sang in 4.5 years.

A few months later I took another chance. I auditioned for a community production of Les Mis. I didn't get the part I wanted and I wasn't willing to give up time and pay for babysitters for a lesser part. (I would have probably thought differently about it if I were in a bigger place.) The more the producer spoke, the less I wanted to be involved. The more the director spoke, the more I knew she was going to choose someone she already knew from another town. She wasn't ready to take a chance on a wild card. Despite all of that, I left that audition with an amazing sense of accomplishment simply because I put myself out there and spoke my truth. I believed in myself and it felt amazing.

Now I am trying to get my voice back in shape for singing classical repertoire and I don't really know what to do. My voice is pretty much exhausted by the time I'm done singing for 20-30 minutes. I've learned quite a lot of notes in a short amount of time but I'm struggling with figuring out how to get my voice to really sing. I have absolutely no endurance and so by the time I'm done my short practice I feel like I've gotten nowhere. The ease of singing in my previous years didn't prepare me for this. Each time I get myself into my little studio I am afraid but I make myself do it because I know I need to.

I am convinced that in the process of hopefully finding my voice again I am healing so much more of me that I can imagine even though at this moment I feel completely lost. Every once in awhile things go well and I have a glimmer of the freedom I once had in my voice but they are few and far between. I am trying to have faith, to trust the inner guidance I hear that is telling me to sing.