A rant

One thing that really gets my blood boiling is when I read that a school district is doing absolutely nothing to protect the civil rights of their LGBT population. Quite honestly, it makes me sick. I have ridiculous anxieties - I can honestly say I worry that one day my children may fall victim to bullies. I don't know how I would deal with it when it makes my heart break to hear of other children - and I don't even know them! - experiencing it. It makes me want to take my children and put them back where they came from! (I wonder how much rag magazine would pay for pictures of the woman who was pregnant for 18 years with the same child?)

I don't really give a flying fukk if people think homosexuality is wrong or not. (I don't think it is wrong.) Society will probably never stop arguing about this but I do hope that we can stop attacking and hurting people because of it. It is not our job to judge one another but it is our duty as humans to love and respect one another and to treat each other with dignity, regardless of our sexual orientation, race or gender. Why is this so hard to do? Why are children killing themselves because of stupid people out there who believe it is ok to terrorize them for being who they are? Why are parents teaching their children that it is ok to do this to their peers? (I am watching Tangled with my daughter and Rapunzel just shouted "Find your humanity!" Seems appropriate.)

You will probably never find a beautifully worded treatise when it comes to my stance on things. I'm too emotional. I can not remember everything I've read and there is no file in my brain that I can search for quotations when I need them. How I feel about these things comes from my gut. I live in a very conservative area and sometimes I find it stifling. (The friends I have would probably shut off and start praying for me if they knew I believed things as I have just expressed!) Sometimes I just want to scream. But for now, I will leave it at this.

There is no where else to go

I've been struggling over the past few weeks about whether or not I want to continue attending the moms group that I do. Twice a month Sweet One and I go while Little Man stays home in the morning with his Dad. I drink coffee, sit at a table with other women, listen to the 'lesson' that they teach, do a craft and eat some food while Sweet One goes to the room where they have things set up with age appropriate activities for her. She seems to like it and I do not have another place at this point in time where she can go and socialize with her peers.

The group is a chapter of a national organization based upon concepts and beliefs of Evangelical Fundamentalism and we meet in a large church. The building is enormous and the strange bubble that we meet in is their sanctuary, carpeted to look like it doubles as a basketball court. I've struggled with Evangelical Fundamentalism since I first attended a church when I was sixteen. The sermon hour ended up with people laying on hands, fainting, crying out and having muscle spasm that they claimed was 'the spirit of the Lord God upon me!' The language they use to express their beliefs, the minimal education required for their pastors and how the bible is interpreted are all things I do not fully understand.

Last year it felt different for me. There have been a lot of new moms joining the chapter this year and the bigger it gets the more uncomfortable I am feeling. I am an introvert by nature and I get overwhelmed in too large of a group. I express these feelings by spurting out things I later regret or by getting too eager to talk (our discussion time is limited and I wonder if others feel like I don't share that time enough). I wish I could just sit back and relax, contributing to conversations only when my brain isn't feel like it is about to short circuit.

Another factor that seems to be contributing to my sense of uneasiness here is that I sense a division growing stronger within the group. The very large steering committee is comprised mostly of women who attend the church where we meet. They do a lot of things together. This chapter seems to be an extension of their already established social group that goes from church, to home to everywhere else in their lives. As the overall chapter grows larger the divisions of cliques becomes more established. I think I fear the meetings might end up like their Sunday morning services.

It is so hard for me to fully understand what I am uncomfortable with. While sitting at my table yesterday morning I had a complete view of the entire room. I looked around and saw some faces I recognized and many I hadn't. I starting feeling like we were all there to sit back and watch what the steering committee was doing; that what was being done was more to fulfill their own sense of purpose and self-importance than to build and foster a community of women.

If I were to stop attending these meetings there is nothing else like this in this little rural town. My friend attends as well and I know that she would be sad if I were not going. I like that it gives Sweet One somewhere to play with other children and begin to develop her social skills. (One of the women in the two year old room was my discussion leader last year and she says Sweet One is doing better and better every time.) However, shortly after each meeting this year Sweet One has developed a cold which has also affect Little Man. I don't want to spend the entire winter with sick children!

Maybe I can let go of my own ingrained biases about the denomination. Perhaps I'm dwelling on what I don't like about the denomination because I'm feeling self-conscious there. I'm 33 years old, fer fukk sake, so I should be able to behave myself a little better when I recognize my anxiety growing during the meetings! I just hate sitting here more than 24 hours after the meeting ended still regretting the petulant child who whined too much about the decaf running out quickly. If I'm really lucky, I may be able to gain enough self-confidence to not feel like people are looking at me funny wondering why I'm there. And the cherry on top would be that Sweet One won't get sick every time we go and if she does get sick, she'll fight it off quickly and not give the gersm to her brother. I don't really know. I do know that I wish there was a group in this area I could become a part of that I didn't feel like a sore thumb sticking out.

Shedding the wire

One of our next door neighbors is a college student. His parents bought the house two years ago and he has recently graduated. Today it looks as if they are readying the house for sale with bags of mulch and a Uhaul truck in front. I'm trying to imagine what their lives are like. What do his parents do? They must be absolutely loaded if they themselves drive a Lexus and over the past month the kid has been parking a Cadillac Escalade where he previously parked a Honda Pilot. Maybe I'm envious because of that financial freedom when I find it unfathomable to be able to spend so much money on a vehicle - and even moreso to have such an expensive vehicle when you haven't even started working for a living yet. The vehicles cost the same as my house! (But perhaps if I ask them nicely they will sell it to someone who can be my friend!)

Whenever we buy something of any value - ie more than $50 - there is often a lot of thought that goes into it. Our finances are such that spending money is not to be done on a whim by any means. I can honestly say that learning to live within our means over the past 5 years has brought me a lot of satisfaction and I am happier. But there are days when I am envious of those who don't have to do this.

One thing I'm excited about is that we have decided to join the wireless world and get a netbook. At first I thought we'd get a full size laptop but then realized that a netbook will give me what I want - to be able to go online while my daughter is watching tv. That's all. Simple. It will be the first computer I ever put out money for and I'm so excited to have this one little item that feels like a bit of an 'extra'. Now to figure out what I will get - any suggestions?

5 minutes later ....

I did a reverse address search and then googled that name and the city where he comes from and realized that my neighbor's dad is an optometrist. For some reason i'm almost relieved to find that as his profession rather than a field of work where money is the only goal.

Kid-Powered

Because Sweet One was born in January, it makes the Christmas season huge for what she will be receiving. I'm thinking that I will not spend a whack-load on her (since she won't remember it and all) but buy her some 'half-birthday' gifts. One thing I am really trying hard to avoid is toys for her that are based upon computer programs. Ever since she was born, neither Big Love nor I have felt that these toys are the greatest for her development. You know the ones that sing, beep, buzz and do everything for the kid short of wiping their butts and doing the potty training for me! I think that they do too much work for the kid. They are often battery powered and I want my child's play to be kid-powered. Nowadays it is so easy to push a button and everything is done. While looking online a bit I was happy to see that there are a lot more toys out there than the standard jumping frogs and other toys like theirs.