Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tomorrow it's all going to change

My dear Sweet One,

For a few minutes you tossed and turned finding every possible way to get my attention. Finally, one more tuck in and a "water ... where are you?" followed by a huge giggle when you realized it was right beside you. A few moments later I heard you whisper, "Good night. Sleep." a few times.

How sweet and precious you are to me. I have never been away from you for more than four hours. It's not because I felt like you wouldn't survive without me, it's just that there was never any need for it. But tomorrow that will all change. We will have to spend most of the day apart because tomorrow is a day that will change all of us for good. You will have a baby brother or a baby sister.

I desperately hope I can help you learn to be kind to this little one who will join us. To love him or her as much as you possibly can. I know there will be bumps along the way but having a sibling is very important. Hopefully you will be friends and always be there for one another. You have such a wonderful spirit and I know that your sibling will be very lucky to have you for a big sister.


I always do my best thinking at 3am!

As the time draws closer and closer for this new little one to be removed from my body, I am completely relieved that I will no longer pregnant. So many of the feelings from the baby dropping have been harder than I'd ever imagine and incredibly painful. As a woman who will never experience a natural birth, I am blown away by this small sample of what it might feel like.

So yes, I am completely looking forward to not being pregnant an ymore but just as worried about what will happen after. This pregnancy has been so different than my first. I don't have the same kind of excitement about it as I did before which leaves me feeling guilty. I can only hope that once I am holding this little one I will be as in love with it as I possibly can. My guess is that once again as I find myself in the middle of everything I will look back at this 3am bran fart and laugh at how silly I was to think these thoughts.

So it's back to bed, hoping that maybe I can get more than 2 hours in a row (lately the most sleep I get in one dose is 2.5 if I'm lucky) and not feel like absolute shit in the morning.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Silently Sleeping

Except for the twilight peeking through the sides of her curtains, Sweet One's room was dark as I sat in the rocking chair waiting for her to fall asleep. We gave up trying to convince her to stay in her bed because it was becoming too stressful and since she doesn't sleep long enough we wanted her to get every minute possible. So, Big Love and I take turns sitting in her room as she falls asleep. Last night it didn't take that long but there was a lot of moving around as she tried to get her very tired body to give up. I don't usually check on her right before I leave the room in fear of waking her up but last night I decided to and I was so relieved that I did! I was starting to panic a bit as I desperately felt around to figure out what it actually was that I was seeing. She's been fighting off another cold over the past week and I thought it very strange that I couldn't hear her little snore at all. Finally I realized that what I thought was her head was actually her butt and as I felt along her back I found that her head was completely underneath the pillow. How lovely her little snore sounded as soon as I moved the pillow!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I stopped "should"-ing on myself and it feels great!

Yesterday I hit my wall. I spent my spare time working on a blazer made from sweatshirt fleece that I had wanted to get done (McCalls 5714) but it was turning out as if Sweet One had helped me with it. Since moving to this town I've lost my avenues of creative expression. Since it is hard to find time to get out of town for shopping when I need them, I've had high hopes that I could improve my sewing skills to enhance my wardrobe in a way that helps me express myself without breaking the bank. A double bonus would be the creativity it takes just to make the pieces. So far I have failed miserably. Last summer I made a shirt and a pair of shorts which are both unwearable. I really have no clue if this blazer is going to be salvageable. I was very upset by the time I was done sewing yesterday. I packed up my machine. Maybe I need a good book to teach me more about garment sewing. I know I need more time and patience with myself than I have.

I started feeling sick right around supper time last night. Funny that it should line up with hitting the wall! I had been feeling so stressed over the past few days worrying about what I wasn't getting done and how much time I wasn't focussing on Sweet One. All of this was simply not a good combination with less than two weeks before this baby is cut out of me.

I made a decision. Since I got all but the finishing done on the sweater last night, it was time to stop worrying. To give myself as much time to rest as I could and to enjoy the last few days I have with only one child. The house needs a bit more cleaning so that I can feel like I haven't left stupid things all over the place and other than that, I am not taking on anything else that isn't every day necessities. Yesterday around 6:30 I was crying on the couch, snuggling with Sweet One as she watched Super Why? on the computer. At the same time today I was lying on the floor playing with Sweet One. I laughed at how my brain had so much positive energy that I could go for a walk but the muscles in my back were screaming at me to just relax. Quite a difference and all because I decided to let go of a few "shouldas".

Sunday, March 20, 2011

ABC's and everyday


That's how she says her ABC's. Over and over every day because she loves them. I am amazed at how quickly she has learned them as well as her ability to identify them when she sees them. Why is it that people try to make their little einstein children when kids will learn at insane rates when they are interested in the topic?

I haven't been blogging for fear of being annoying and redundant lately. Between someone who loves to wake up before 530 (fukkin' hell!), a sacrum that feels like it is getting pulverized every day and all the hormonal ups and downs that happen in the last two weeks before a baby gets cut out - well, that's my life lately. The baby dropped some time between Tuesday and Wednesday morning last week which sort of freaked me out since I never experienced that with Sweet One. Luckily, the insane pain went away by Thursday and I've adjusted to peeing every 20 minutes and feeling like the baby could fall out at any time.

Nesting has been insane over the past month. Every wall in my house has been cleaned, we got our carpets professionally cleaned, rooms have been deep cleaned and on top of that I've almost finished filling my deep freeze as well as countless hours at the sewing machine doing little projects here and there. Yesterday I told Big Love we needed to clean one more time before the baby comes and he looked at me very carefully and asked, "the walls again, too?" Good lord he's funny! I reassured him it's just the basics so that we don't have to worry about it for awhile and that I also want to take care of those little bits of things that are always lying around because I never got around to finding a place for them.

One great thing is our weather seems to have moved onto spring with the sun making some appearances. Two days ago it was 60 degrees out and we had a great time outside. Yesterday got up to 45 but with the sun it felt beautiful. Sweet One and I went for a walk (her pace is definitely better for me these days!) and then spent some time in the backyard. Believe it or not, we found carrots in the garden that I never dug up last fall and they are perfectly edible!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My definition of a Lenten Discipline

Why does everyone think that Lent means deprivation? Yes, I know that some denominations require people to not eat certain foods, but the idea of a Lenten Discipline is not only about 'giving up' something. It can also mean adding something into your daily life.

The first time that I ever implemented a Lenten discipline into my life was the year we got pregnant with Sweet One. Big Love and I decided to do The Book of Common Prayer's Morning Prayer together every morning. We were on a role and it really started to mean something. The only reason I didn't finish it was because I ended up on the other side of the continent caring for my elderly Grandfather who passed away while I was there.

The first time I heard of a Lenten discipline, despite being raised by a pastor, was during my second or third year of University. I attended a private University that at that time was a institution of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada. I attended chapel services regularly on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings, as well as once in awhile on a Tuesday or Thursday right before supper. Quite honestly, the latter services always ended up going too long for me and I'd be sick from hunger each time so they were not a common occurrence for me. At some point in Lent the Chaplain told us his Lenten discipline that year was to walk to work every day and make sure that his path took him through the graveyard. He said that it gave him a time for reflection very different than other times in the day. Hearing his story about his walk has stayed with me for the past ten years. *

I believe that a Lenten Discipline is something that gives you time to reflect on your spirituality; developing a deeper understanding of God's presence in your daily life. It doesn't always have to be something that breaks you from addictions such as caffeine or chocolate, as those are some of the most common ones I've heard people mention. Giving up consumables is not the only option.

I do not remember the last time I went to church. Sweet One only wants to get to the front of the church and sit at the organ with her Daddy. I have struggled with my personal sense of spirituality since I moved to this town. I'm giving up sleep on a regular basis for Lent this year! Ha! I mean, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and will have this baby cut out of me in three weeks and a few days so my challenge is to do absolutely everything I can to keep myself together and be the best mom I can be. Stating my belief in what a Lenten Discipline is just my opinion and at this point it, unfortunately, is not an opinion that I put into practice.

*Hey T, were you there that day shadowing your Dad for "Take your kid to work day?" Or perhaps it was one of your older siblings.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A summer dress for Sweet One

I finally finished this little dress for Sweet One. I won the primary material from a blog and I had such high hopes for this dress using McCalls pattern 5835. I got very frustrated with the armholes section. I find that McCalls is greatly lacking in their design of toddler dresses by how they have you fold and sew them. For someone like me who wants to improve my skills, it rarely sets me up for success. I'm going to try to stick with Simplicity and New Look patterns for this in the future. I was, however, very excited about how my gathering of the ruffles turned out. This was probably the most successful I've ever been with such a large gathering section.

All in all, I hope Sweet One enjoys wearing it. One of the reasons I want to be able to do a good job of her dresses is because I can choose materials that remind me of so many little boutique stores that sells unique clothes which I can not afford. I think that with my combination of materials I chose for this dress that I am on my way to doing that. Now to just perfect more of my sewing skills. (Like that will happen in the next 6 months!)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

One man's struggles

During our weekly trip to the library today I ended up chatting a bit with a dad who I had never seen there before. It didn't take him long to tell me about some of the largest struggles in his life and I got the impression that he is both lonely and desperately wanting change without really knowing how to approach either.

He had a rare day off and decided to take his eldest son, who is five years old, to the library to look at books about trucks. There was a pile of neglected books as the son spent the whole time playing in a large helicopter that our library has. I can honestly say that he sounded sad and frustrated where his life is at the present time - too much work and not enough functioning relationships. Two kids, 5 and 2, each with different mothers. A self-employed man soon approaching 30, he told me how his work keeps him in his car for the majority of his time driving to and from places to purchase high end fashion and shoes. The time requirements of this job had "ruined every relationship I've ever had". From the sound of it, the work pays well and he had been able to provide his children's moms with Juicy Couture purses and other high end items that they wanted. He alluded to many arguments during his previous relationships revolving around how much he worked. In his opinion, if he got a different job that kept him around more they'd all have to wear Walmart clothing.

"I don't wear designer clothes but I don't wear Walmart clothes, either," was my response. The way I understood it was that he believed he either has to work as hard as he does to make lots of money and have the fancy things or be broke. I strongly think there is so much room in between these, especially since that is where we live. I left feeling sad for this dad who, at 30, seems to be floundering and not sure how to stop. Revealing so much to a complete stranger within the time span of maybe 10 minutes seems to be a cry for help and a feeling of loneliness - desperate for someone to hear his struggles. Luckily at 30 there is so much life left that if he chooses, he can figure out a way to be happier and build better relationships for himself. To me it was obvious that he was concerned about his relationship with his sons and I hope he can start there.