Sweet One is 3!

Yesterday was Sweet One's third birthday. Third! It really seems difficult to believe. How did it happen so fast?

I want to sit and type a beautiful ode to my little girl laughing at how after months of being terrified the day would never come, she is now potty trained. Why she'll drop her pants in front of the tv and then run hobbled to the bathroom I do not know but will always laugh at. She has moments of being the great big sister in the world - smothering her brother in kisses, running to comfort him when he is hurt, telling him all of her adventures, protecting him from what she perceives as dangers - and then the next she is biting him (a stage that makes me want to lose my marbles).

The expressions and phrases she uses to tell me all about what is going on and how she is feeling never cease to amaze me. I don't always know why she'll attribute them to particular circumstances ("Yes, mother, isn't it wonderful?" after a poop!) but I will always keep laughing with her.

I think one of my biggest challenges as her mother is going to be finding motivation for her to do things. The big stuff seems to need to be on her own terms and that is okay by me. Perhaps it will bode well for future 'big' decisions as she grows and is faced with all the challenges in life.

But really, tonight my brain is not equipped for beautiful verse. Even when she is not in front of me I can see her smile. I want to hold on to every moment forever - well, yes, there are some I want to forget - but for the most part there isn't anything I would want to be different. When I lose my temper and yell, I apologize to her and promise to do my best not to do it again. I hope that she will see this as something to learn from, too. She and I have so much left to learn together and eventually she will spread her wings.... tonight, though, I will read her her bedtime stories and snuggle her for a little while before I leave. Giving her five or six kisses and telling her just how much I love her because in the end, that is the most important.

Yesterday we had a party for her and I made her a rainbow (cup)cake. I was worried about doing the frosting because the last time I tried to pipe it really didn't work. Armed with my sister's frosting recipe (she owns a cupcake shop) I got to work and it was so much easier than I expected. I was just getting onto a roll when Sweet One woke up and she became so exciting about the whole process. I really won't forget it. I was so excited that it all worked out.

When everything was packed up in the car ready to go to the church (that's where we had the party) I went in to grab the cake. I figured if it was the last thing in the car there would be less chance that something would happen. So I was carrying it out (with one hand) and about to read for the closet door to grab a coat when I bumped the banister. I will also never forget what happened next.

Oh well! At least we were able to quickly buy one. The only reason Sweet One got upset was because she could see that I was. (The toughest part is trying to get that damn red out of the carpet. Not sure how successful I will be!)

Happy Birthday, my girl. You make my world so much better.

Tomorrow it's all going to change

My dear Sweet One,

For a few minutes you tossed and turned finding every possible way to get my attention. Finally, one more tuck in and a "water ... where are you?" followed by a huge giggle when you realized it was right beside you. A few moments later I heard you whisper, "Good night. Sleep." a few times.

How sweet and precious you are to me. I have never been away from you for more than four hours. It's not because I felt like you wouldn't survive without me, it's just that there was never any need for it. But tomorrow that will all change. We will have to spend most of the day apart because tomorrow is a day that will change all of us for good. You will have a baby brother or a baby sister.

I desperately hope I can help you learn to be kind to this little one who will join us. To love him or her as much as you possibly can. I know there will be bumps along the way but having a sibling is very important. Hopefully you will be friends and always be there for one another. You have such a wonderful spirit and I know that your sibling will be very lucky to have you for a big sister.

Love,

Mum-mum

Happy 2nd Birthday, Sweet One!

Oh my Sweet One,

Today you are two and there moments when I can hardly believe it. Right now I am listening to you scream on and off because in the past few days a switch has been flipped. We've been having troubles with your sleeping again for the past few months and while you are now sleeping better through the night you have decided that it is necessary to scream at the top of your lungs to try your hardest not to fall asleep. (The experts call this sleep resistance and I call it hell.) You do not want to go to sleep on your own anymore even though only a few weeks ago you did it perfectly, sometimes asking to go to sleep early because you were so tired. When we are going through a rough patch like this I find that it completely defines the days.

You have stopped screaming! I think it is because last night you screamed for so long and then woke up quite early. You were very tired but didn't nap for very long in the afternoon. After your nap, Daddy took you to the grocery store and you got to pick out a balloon. I would have taken you but I wanted your Daddy to be able to see just how excited you get when you pick out a balloon. He told me that just as he was about to pay for it, the man behind you in line beat him to it. Can you imagine that? A complete stranger bought you your birthday balloon! It was of the Backyardigans (some of your favorite characters).

After you got home we got a few more things ready and then some people came over to celebrate your birthday with you. Two of your friends from across the street came and played with you. Unfortunately, the middle boy couldn't come because he is sick and his mama didn't want you to get sick. Your surrogate great-grandma came too! We live so far from our own family that it is nice these people love you so much. You ate the purple icing off of your cupcake and then asked for some water. Maybe you don't like things that are too sweet. You licked two cheese puffs and then left them on the floor and I thought that was funny. When we had pizza you ate your piece so fast because of all the playing you did.

I was very happy that you liked your Retro Red Radio Flyer tricycle and yellow helmet right from the start. Sometimes I worry that the things we get for you are not good enough or that you will not like them. So far, you have shown me that you are happy with what you have.

Lately, because your sleeping has been so troublesome, I have not felt like I'm a good mama to you. I've been tired, too, because your sister or brother growing in my tummy takes a lot of my energy and then I don't have enough patience. Your Daddy tells me I am doing a good job and I can only hope that I am able to show you how much I love you. You show me that you love me by giving me big hugs and wonderful kisses. I promise that I will always do my best to treat you with respect and love; when I am not being a good mama, I will do my best to tell you how sorry I am and do better next time. (It is amazing how quickly you can forgive me when I get mad but I beat myself up for days!)

I hope that as you grow you will receive many more acts of random kindness as you did today and perhaps you will brighten someone else's day by doing the same. My greatest wish for you has always been and always will be that you are courageous in who you are and that you find your way to step confidently in this world.

I love you.

Mama

Sweet One's first email

This email was in my inbox today for Sweet One. It is from my dear friend who lives in Montreal. Next to Big Love, I'd say she knows me best. With my immediate family being far away I was so happy the day that my friend said she'd be honored to be known as Auntie.

Hello Mamabird and Baby Birthday Girl!

How unbelievable that you should turn 1 today. You have no idea how much your mommy loves you (especially when you sleep for more than 4 hours;) and how many people all over the land think about you and it makes them smile and feel hopeful! You have changed many peoples lives since your arrival. I will always remember the first time I got to hold you, wrapped up tight in that blanket, you certainly were small! Now, you are doing all sorts of things...including climbing stairs, eating big people's foods, babbling, and it looks like in no time you will be toddling around on those adorable legs of yours. Thanks to your mom for keeping your Auntie updated because I love to hear what's new with you. Maybe soon we'll have a chat on the phone...

Happy Birthday to You! Eat some strawberries for me...do you still love those? And give your mom a little snuggle...Moms are suckers for those.

Love you and your mom!

If only I could hit the pause button

To my dearest, darlingest Sweet One,

As I rocked you to sleep tonight you grabbed my mouth. I blew it away and you laughed because you thought it was funny. With the room dark, save only the light slipping in from the studio, I could see your eyes completely focussed on me and your laughter. I'm sorry I had to end our playing for you to go to sleep. If I could pause these moments and hold onto them forever I would. But you must grow. We both will. I only hope that there are many more reinventions of moments like this one.

Love, your mama.

5 months

My Dearest, Darlingest Sweet One,

Today you are now 5 months old and I do not know how the time has passed so quickly. I've been trying to hold onto each moment I can but they always seem to pass us by. This afternoon we had a nap. I left one arm out of your swaddle to see if you could sleep without it wrapped up, which you did for the first part. After you started moving a bit more I woke up and watched you sleep. Sometimes you would nestle your face into my arm and I would lie there, breathless, hoping not to wake you. (You don't seem to want to take long naps during the day and I'm desperately trying to figure out how to remedy that.) After awhile I held your hand and felt every little movement. They are precious. I love the tiny softness of your hands. I think it is cute how you lift both of your legs up and lower them down slowly while you sleep. When you woke up your face was full of smiles for me. I'm a very lucky mama because every time I walk into a room your face lights up. (This makes your Dad jealous because you don't do that for him yet!)

After your nap you spent some time with your Dad while I worked in the yard. I started out making a bin to grow potatoes in and ended up working on a chunk of the lawn that is actually the neighbors. It is on the other side of their fence so they don't think they need to get rid of the immense amount of weeds that are grown there - it drives your Dad and I crazy. By the time I was done all this work I really missed you. You and I spend pretty much all of our days together and yet if I'm busy with something for a couple of hours I end up feeling like I haven't seen you all day!

We have a couple of months coming up that are going to be tricky to figure out. Your Grandma and cousin are coming on Wednesday and we have to pick them up late at night from the airport. On the 25th we go to Toronto and are there for 1 whole week. Your Dad will be busy for most of it so it will be just us girls hanging out in a fancy, big city hotel. Five days after we get home from Toronto we'll go on a two week trip for your uncle's wedding. There will be so many people there excited to see you. I'm a little worried that all these trips so close together will be difficult for you but I'm hoping that we'll figure it out. You and I have been figuring out a lot of things together so maybe this will be one more notch for us. (I still need to figure out why you won't take longer naps before I go insane.) After all of this you will be big enough to start eating solids!

Thank you for being such a wonderful daughter, my Sweet One. Your Dad and I can hardly believe that you've only been here on the outside with us for 5 months. You have changed our world day after day and we love you more than we can say.

Love,

Your Mama