Friday, August 26, 2011

the great lesson ... is that the sacred is in the ordinary, that it is to be found in one's daily life, in one's neighbors, friends, and family, in one's backyards.

- Abraham Maslow

This is where I saw the above quote and it seems to align with so much of what I'm trying to work through. And now back to family - because my mom and step-dad are here. Contrary to most of the latest visits, I don't want to kill my mother yet!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Sweet Snippets

My mom and stepdad are going to be here in a few days. Since Sweet One hasn't seen them very much, and the last time they visited she was terrified of my stepdad the entire time, I've given her pictures of them to look at whenever she wants and we've been talking up their visit for a few weeks now. Yesterday at suppertime, Sweet One was providing us with Quintessential Sweet One - all her cuteness balled up and presented in a way only she can.

Big Love: Oh Sweet One, Grandma and Grandpa are going to get a kick out of you.
Sweet One: But no Dad, Gramma and Gramma are not going to kick me.

Today was a bit of a rough day for Sweet One. She was a champ when she got the FluMist but later in the afternoon she started acting bored and not quite herself. Then when we were across the street playing with the boys she tripped going down the stairs with a few toys in her hand. Luckily, it was only a few stairs but she still managed to hit her forehead on the concrete sidewalk and somehow cut the inside of her right index finger on the toys. It was probably one of her biggest falls. Between the two, I wasn't sure what to expect with nighttime because she was a little funky between the two major things during the day. Shortly after I tucked her in I heard her talking. Usually I wait a few minutes before going in and telling her to go to sleep, especially if she's not yelling. As I stood near her door I heard chatting and then, "Good night, Lamb". She was saying goodnight to all of the 'amimals' that are on her bed with her!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A small change with huge results

I had a couple of days that forced me to reevaluate my current mindset. Sometimes I need this. A kick in the pants so hard that it leaves my legs wobbly long enough for me to figure out a new way to stand firm.

A week or two ago I first saw some news about Somalia. I wasn't aware of what was going on there and after about two minutes of AC360 just before going to bed, I felt nauseous. As a child I would see World Vision programs on the tube and my little heart would ache. I didn't understand why there were people out there who weren't getting enough food. It seems that my reaction as a mother is even stronger. It is beyond my comprehension why there are women out there who have their children dying.

For as long as I can remember, it has always been a challenge for me to look at the positive before the negative. And then it is just as difficult for me to let go of the negative and not let it overwhelm me. I have found varying degrees of coping from time to time, but unless I am constantly applying my tools I revert back to my old ways, feeling like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head. (The lack of sleep with an infant in the house only makes this more difficult.)

After reading this article and letting it work its way into my gray matter, I became disgusted with myself. I have the luxury to feel my emotions. I have a roof over my head and can provide for my children each and every day. There is nothing in my life that could be considered a hardship at. all. Why the hell can I not find a way to be happy where I am?

"If you don't like your life, change it." For awhile now, I thought that I can't. It would require a geographical change and that is not an option. I erroneously believed that any change to help me be happier would have to be on a large scale. Then something clicked. I can change my negative thoughts. And I would. I owe it to myself, to my children and to my husband. After trying to figure out just how to go about this, I remembered some things I learned awhile back. While eating a Dilly Bar on our porch while the rain came down, I watched my family playing together and silently committed to stop negative thoughts in their tracks. Some were a "that's bullshit, it isn't really as bad as it looks" and others were "this is how I'm going to change it so that it doesn't continue". Perhaps it was all the work I did while doing the Tools to Life program, but after only a week or so I am already feeling better.

I can not change the world but I can change my world.

Friday, August 12, 2011

She's walking around in circles and carrying her letter X while watching her favorite show (Word World). I whisper, "Can I give you a kiss?" and her face lights up as she walks over so we can plant one on each other.

I absolutely love that she will stop what she's doing because she likes my kisses so much. I'll pucker up as long as I can because I know one day she'll gag at the thought!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

At Little Man's 4 month appointment

Dr: He's looking good. You're doing a good job. Are you going to have more?
Me: Nope. I'm done.
Dr: (Something along the lines of, really?)
Me: It hurt too much when his head dropped.
Dr: You didn't have that exhilarating feeling when the head came through the birth canal?
Me: I was a c-section girl.

I did avoid using my little joke that my uterus spit out resignation papers after Little Man was taken out!

But oh! how mortified I felt when the doctor was checking Little Man's nethers and found a little bit of poop hidden in only the way a little boy could hide it. I quickly explained that last diaper change was in the dark, right before a nap. And when I got home I remembered that his last diaper change was done by Big Love right before we left for the appointment. (Pass the buck, thankyouverymuch. I'm still a good mom!)

He's now weighing 15lbs110z. This kid is huge! Well, at least he is to me because Sweet One was always in the 5-25 percentile and this kid is right in the middle. Little Man was getting tired near the end and really I don't blame him because we had been there for an hour. He screamed harder with his shots than he did two months ago and my levees were about to break. By the time we got home he wa back to his normal happy boy and didn't take long to get sleeping again.

Me, on the other hand, feel like I need to scrape the tired off my eyeballs. (That's what happens when you wake up every two hours even if your kids aren't waking you up.)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Stickin' like glue

A few days ago I read this post from the Pioneer Woman and no matter what I do, I can not get one of the letters she featured in it out of my thoughts. Written two or three generations ago, a father writing to his daughter advice that is universal. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
"We're all placed here to do something. It is for us and not for others to find out what that something is, and there with all the energy of which we are capable, honestly and prayerfully to be gone about our business."
And then this morning on FB I read something in a status that is also not going anywhere.
An old Cherokee told his grandson, "My son, there is a battle between the two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and truth."

The boy thought about it and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed."
Both of these seem to be sticking to my innerds like glue. Quietly working their way through my mind, my heart and anywhere else that needs it.


Sunday, August 7, 2011

One small change

As I went to bed last night I realized that perhaps I can change things, a few minutes at a time. So I've decided that I will take 5 to 10 minutes for myself every day. Even if I have to go and hide out in our newly insulated attic, I will take these minutes for myself. I will not let anything interrupt me (unless its an emergency). And I will breathe. I will sit there and breathe. That is it. But I think a small change like this will possibly yield great results.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

A muddled mess

I can not get my thought out. I want to scream it but each time I start to type and try to figure out what it really is, the words suck. My feeble attempts to put words together fall apart. I'm frustrated. Being a SAHM isn't something I imagined being. I imagined being home with my kids but having something of my own to do on a regular basis.

I thought that by the age of 33 I'd have a better idea of what makes me happy. But I am still just a girl trying to make sense of life. And I get sick and tired of reading things that tell me to follow my dreams, live my passion, if I'm not happy I should just change it. It's not that easy. (And for many others, it is impossible because they can barely keep food on their table.)

But that is where this foggy brain stops. Eager for a few answers. Hoping desperately that just once, the work I do to get my gray matter to function better doesn't always have to have the "one step back". That the times I feel like I got somewhere, managed to get a bit more of a handle on my dysthymia, don't have to be a memory.

I want to be able to be more present in each and every moment but it is hard because I am constantly thinking of what needs to get done next, or where I need to clean when the opportunity arises. I hate it that I check my watch while I am playing with my daughter to see how long I've been doing it for, rather than just doing it.

How often I am reminded of growth being an erratic "two steps forward, one step back" in so many ways. It happens with my kids and it happens with my emotional state. But when it is the latter I get pissed off because I hate being in this place, feeling like I can never get my steps quite big enough to get out of the mud.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Potty talk

Potty training is in full swing and I am so proud of my little girl.

So many people told me to wait until she was ready and not try to get her going earlier. Well, I tried earlier and it was awful.

Then I waited.

I cried when I had nasty diapers to change because it seemed they always happened when I was dead tired and had a screaming baby.

A few days ago she decides she's going to earn the lollipop and pees all on her own. "I did it! I peed in the potty!"

That was three and a half days ago. Many lollipops have been eaten, as well as other 'surprises' earned from the prize box. Sometimes she gets mad because she wants another prize but has peed too recently. "Potty is not working!"

Today ended with a 'big poop' (according to Big Love) in the potty right before bed, uncoached by either one of us.

I could not be more proud of my little girl. I could not be more relieved that it is going so well. Now if only we can make sure her teeth don't fall out from all the lollipops!