Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Of course the day after I am crying and screaming inside about how I feel completely bizarre about how my body looks to me in our family portraits, I read someone's post about trying to present a good model for her child! Hopefully I, too, will learn to give myself a break.

I'm lucky because this time around, I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight already. That is, my second pregnancy, as I never did get back to where I was before Sweet One was born because I no longer had time to work out 1.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I do strongly attribute my weight loss this time around to how active I was with this past pregnancy. I did a challenging work out two to three times a week for most of the pregnancy, only stopping in the last few weeks or so because I felt very uncomfortable for the day after doing it. (This workout had me sweating, grunting and building a lot of muscle safely!) I also had two yoga videos that I did in the evening up until two nights before Little Man was cut out.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

A case of dysmorphia

Our church is doing a new directory and so with that comes family portraits. Today we had our appointment and I left, holding onto a flood of tears for when I was back in the safety of my own home. I don't know what it is with what I see. Leaving the house, I looked in the mirror and thought everything was fine. (I am reminded of the movie Julie and Julia when Julia Child and her sister say something along the lines of 'good but not great' when they are finished preparing for a special dinner.)

The picture taking experience itself wasn't the greatest. Sweet One decided to see just how many times she could say, "No!" in the twenty minutes or so that we had. Luckily, we got some good shots of her. Little Man started getting cranky just when it was his turn for solo shots and so we only got a decent one of him. (Good, not great, once again.)

We sat down with our photographer and looked at the pictures on the computer deciding what we'd like to purchase. I barely recognized myself in the pictures. The rest of my family looked just how they look to me, but I had proportions all over the place that I didn't realize were there. I don't know if it was the angle or the fact that I was worrying about the kids more than I should have been .... but I hated what I saw. And now I'm miserable.

On top of it, these pictures were ridiculously priced and despite our photographers best attempts to get us as many pictures for as little of a price, I'm not fully happy with what we spent money on. If the pictures of Sweet One hadn't been so good I probably wouldn't have spent a penny. But as it is, we bought 4 - 3x5 of the family portrait to give to family as well as a proof set. (Still $75!) I'm embarrassed to think family will have these pictures for many years. Perhaps we need to one day splurge on a really good, professional photographer.

I don't know why I see something so much different in the mirror. Perhaps who I am and what I see in the mirror is more connected than I'd like it to be. I don't know how to fix this. But I do know that if I want to raise a daughter who is confident and happy with how she looks I'd better figure something out - quick.

Friday, July 22, 2011

If only I had a Dymo label maker lodged in my temple

Because then when I am sitting in the dark, holding Little Man as he falls asleep and my mind is finally resting after a long, hot day filled with temper tantrums, time outs and everything else that goes with having a toddler, all of the thoughts I am processing could actually be put to blog as clearly as I hear them in the quiet. It is amazing because in those moments before I place him in his crib I can actually process a thought without everything else interjecting.

The problem is that by the time he is in his crib, I will either have to continue fighting with Sweet One to convince her to fall asleep or come downstairs to a mess that needs to be cleaned up. Lately, it has been so goddam hot here that if I don't have to do either of those, the only thing I can do is collapse into a heap on the floor. This western girl doesn't fare in the humid heat. Gimme a dry heat and I'll suck it up. But with the house not cooling off at night and me worrying about whether my swaddled infant is overheating, I'm almost losing my mind. If I didn't have children, I'd probably be lying with my body spread out over as much surface as possible as I drool and watch tv show after tv show with a vacant expression in my mind. Having to care for two children doesn't really make the heat better. I can tell that the kids are starting to lose their minds from it, as well. And really, I'm not the greatest mom when my gray matter has turned to pudding and sloshing around my skull.

So onto a completely different topic, my newest pet peeve. Then and Than. Why are people so incapable of using it correctly? I have no idea but I wish they'd learn.

Onto Love Bites. One of my favorite summer programs. Three different short stories each episode seem completely unrelated to one another, but there are tidbits that pop up to connect them through a few recurring characters. I giggle. And for some reason, I love Greg Grunberg. He always makes me chuckle. Especially in this show with the relationship between his character and the wife. So cute.

Ok. Officially mixing the pudding up as I shake my head so I will turn off and hope for clearer brain days ahead!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Time out for nothing

Sweet One loves to take the paper cover off of her crayons. I don't really care. It lets her practice her fine motor skills! What I did care about was the red mark on the floor beside all of her paper droppings , especially after she had colored a large patch on the floor while her Dad was gone. So I put her in time out and tried to get her to stop screaming while she was there. It was long and didn't achieve what I hoped. I went to start cleaning the crayon out of the carpet and realized it was an old jello stain that had been there for awhile. What an asshole I was. Not only did she have a very long time out that left her sobbing in heaves, but she had a time out for doing nothing wrong! Next time I'll rub the mark for wax before assuming she's colored.

This was three days ago now and I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about it.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

With a whole lot of help from my friends

My best friend in the world, M, was here for a visit last week to meet Little Man and help me out while Big Love was out of town. I do not have the words for how wonderful it was to have her here. Getting very little sleep and a very fussy baby around the supper prep time, I don't think I would have survived as well as I did without her making me supper, doing dishes, tidying my house while I was putting the kids to bed and most of all, playing with Sweet One. On top of all that, having time to talk with her and simply be around her was the greatest.

When M walked down the stairs the first morning she was here (she arrived after the kids were sleeping), Sweet One immediately took to her. This surprised me a little because she usually needs a bit of time to adjust to someone new being in her house. A few days later I realized that M has seen Sweet One five times since she was born and this is probably why Sweet One adores her so much.
I have always been so thankful for M in my life, but seeing her loving my children and taking time out of her busy schedule to spend so much time with us, it gives our friendship a greater depth. She doesn't have to do this but she does and I love her even more for it.

Five years ago today we crossed the border and made our journey east to where we now live. We weren't quite sure what we were getting ourselves into and it has had its ups and downs, but I have learned and grown so much since that fateful day.

Today would have marked the day that we were officially out of status had the I-360 not miraculously been approved. For almost two weeks we were planning to be without a paycheck for a short but significant amount of time when it comes to our finances. My friend who lives across the street is also a Canadian and understands the stress of visas. Yesterday while Sweet One and I were over at their place playing with the two younger boys and their dad, he mentioned that it was great that we were still in status because then they didn't have to pay our mortgage. Very confused, I asked him what they were talking about and he told me that my friend told him that if Big Love was out of work they were going to pay our mortgage. This blew me away. I told him he was crazy and he said, no, that was what she said. The fact that they would do that for us leaves me speechless and humbled. I have absolutely no words. (Although, I'm very relieved it never ended up coming to that point!)

I don't really know what I have done in my life to deserve such friendships.