Right now.

I need to learn to love myself. To believe in myself. To have courage in being who I am.

For many years I was taught that I could not trust my feelings. As an INFP, that's a pretty large part of myself that I am told isn't allowed to be heard. I'm starting to feel more and to take a chance in believing in it. Letting it show me more of who I am.

I've been self-abusive towards my physical appearance for many years. In my last year of high school, the day I stepped on the scale and it read 97 pounds was one of the greatest moments I had that year. Not good. I can tell you that I was probably 155 when I stepped on the scale four years later at the end of my Bachelor's degree. I was 130 just before I got pregnant with Sweet One, 135 after and now I'm sitting just under 140. All the running and pilates and yoga and chasing after children that I've been doing hasn't been helping as much as I hoped. Part of the problem was that I'd often eat out of boredom. So I started with MyFitnessPal.com and the first few days were hard but I think they're going to be ok. It is somewhat empowering to learn how much my body needs to be a comfortable weight (perhaps I'll even find my 'happy weight') and then to find foods that will leave me feeling nourished at the end. The foods I am putting in my mouth are quite healthy and I like that. (I also have a friend who has been doing this and knows that it scares me a bit so I'm sure she'll keep tabs to make sure I don't get stupid.)

I've been pretty angry over the past few weeks. It comes in flashes. I keep wondering if it is part of Kubler-Ross' stages of grief. I kind of hope so. Because that way I'll know that it will end at some point and I'll be better because of it. But I don't want it to cause any damage to my kids. It's always my kids. Every time I get mad and yell I look at them and remember how much it hurt me when my Dad would scream at me. How I promised my babies I would never do that. And now I do. But I can stop.

Less than a month until my pilgrimage. I have no idea what it is going to be like to travel so many miles with the kids, inter my father's ashes and then drive back. I hope I learn a lot.

I was sitting here, drinking my coffee and reading Glennon Doyle Melton's Carry On, Warrior. A friend and I went to see her in Pittburgh at a book signing and it was fun. I like her writing. While none of this is 'new', she writes honestly. Without holding anything back. With love and truth. To fully accept what she writes will mean that I have to fully accept myself. As I finished up this afternoon, something inside of me settled and said, "you will."

Another smoothie, please

I just finished Dr. Oz's 3 Day Detox Cleanse. There were moments when it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and then there were some moments, like when I was trying to prepare my lunch smoothie and I had two crying kids who also needed lunch and my head was a little dizzy because I needed to ingest something, that were a little crazy!

I went for a jog on Wednesday morning and that was my first day. Not sure if that was a good thing or not as I'm usually quite hungry after a jog, but I survived. Friday was definitely the hardest. But that could have also been because Big Love was home and I didn't need to power through the day as much as I do when I'm on my own with the kids.

When I look back at it, 12 smoothies in three days is a lot, especially when the lunch one pretty much filled up my entire blender! Little Man wanted to taste them but quickly determined that they were 'yucky'. They really didn't taste that bad, and the supper one would tasted even better if I would have had access to ripe mangoes. (But really, mangoes are not local and I live in a rural town. What do I expect at this time of year!)

I think I learned some things about letting a difficult moment pass without freaking out, taking an extra breath here and there, and trying not to lose my temper simply because I'm feeling a little miserable.

Another smoothie first thing, a beautiful morning for a run today and I'm ready to get back to solid foods!

One foot in front of the other

I started something new today. Well, it's not exactly new as there have been times in my life where I've attempted it before but a cramp here or a change in my schedule there would often have me bailing. I'm really hoping that isn't the case this time.

I used to be able to do a little workout in our small office upstairs (because Little Man is still in our room - not what I thought would happen but more on that later) but the kids won't leave me alone. And if they do, I'm stressing about all the sounds going on downstairs so I'm not getting the break I need while exercising to work off some stress.

After talking about it for a few months I went for my first jog this morning. In all honesty I did more walking than jogging but I'm following this Couch to 5k I found and more than anything right now, I want to become someone who runs. I hesitate at thinking of being a runner because I'm scared my body will scream at me and that I won't do more than half an hour or so. But being outside and getting rid of tension and not having children screaming in my ear or climbing on me, well that sounds like bliss even if it only lasts for half an hour.

I thought I'd wait a few more weeks before starting. My sister and her family will arrive a week from today and with some insurance premiums due this month I really didn't feel like we have the money to put out $115 on a new pair of running shoes. But the last few weeks have been hard and as Big Love said, "you just haven't been yourself" just before he put his foot down and said, "we are going to buy you shoes. I don't care how much they cost!" (It's rather comical when he puts his foot down because he doesn't have a big bellowing voice and he's kinda laughing while he's doing it because being 'forceful' is SO not his thing.)

So I got shoes yesterday and got outside this morning. It felt nice. Even after waking up at 5:45 this morning (damn you Little Man!) I felt more functional for a good part of the day.

I really hope I can find a way to do this and not have my body scream at me. My ankle has already been giving me trouble for the past few weeks so I guess we'll see. I'm a little determined, though, and am hoping that my friend's experience holds true for me - after a few months your body might start hurting but if you can get over that hump you're good to go.

If that aint love...

Yesterday morning was a typical morning. After I fed Little Man, Big Love took him from me and changed his insanely wet diaper. He'd already been tending to Sweet One since she woke up around 6:30 and so he was much more functional than I was. I could already tell it was going to be a beautiful day because the sun was already shining! I did a few morning things and then went to do my little workout. (Good lord I couldn't get through the express 1st trimester workout very well. Frustrating.) It probably ends up taking a little more than half an hour by the time I've gotten dressed and then added a few more stretches, but usually I'm done by around 815. Then I hit the shower and get dressed. During all this time, Big Love has fed Little Man his breakfast and Sweet One has been entertained. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Dance, Daddy, Dance!" as her Tangled music plays over and over. Around 845 or so Big Love brings up Little Man (then again, a lot of times the kids have made it upstairs at some point during my work out or shower) and gives him a diaper change. Once I'm done, I feed the kid and get him napping.

A little out of the ordinary was time for sledding. The sun was shining and the kids didn't get outside at all on Sunday so Big Love asked me if I had a show I could watch on the DVR and proceeded to take Sweet One outside to play. I enjoyed Pan Am (what is with showing shows out of sequence? Seriously!), had a little quiet and considered doing the dishes just as the two returned from sledding.

Once all of the winter wear was off Big Love had to kill some time because his socks were wet and Little Man, still asleep in our room, couldn't be disturbed. So Big Love took care of the dishes.

Later on in the day I noticed two stick pins on top of the mantel. My guess is that Big Love found them on the floor, remnants of my sewing gong show, and put them up there so that the kids wouldn't be injured.

This was humbling to me. While I'm not trying to nag or make him feel like, I rarely miss an opportunity to point mistakes like this out to him, making sure they don't happen again. I'm not rude or anything, I just mention it. If he's not being stern enough with Sweet One, I'll let him know. He didn't wash one dish that was on the counter with all the other dishes? I'll point it out. Reminding him that it's annoying and could he refrain from doing that again.

Thinking of this got me to thinking that rarely does Big Love ever point out my weaknesses. I've never been criticized by him unless I've asked for it. He'd stand up to me if it was something really important but for the most part, he'll just let it roll off his back.

I'm a lucky SAHM. No, we're not rich but a flexible schedule does make it easier for me to get some things done. Big Love is happy to take the kids for their first two hours so that I can take care of myself. Since I started working out around 3 weeks ago, Big Love confirmed my suspicion that I snap at him less (although he wouldn't have mentioned it had I not brought it up). I didn't get flowers when our kids were cut out of me and I don't get showered in presents nor taken to restaurants for dinner. (I did want the flowers, but the latter two I'm fine without.) What I do have is a husband who is always willing to do things around the house and play with his kids so that I can have a little bit of time to take care of myself. He drops everything once he walks in the door and plays with the kids. No big romantic gestures, but each day he tries to do small things around the house so that I don't have to.

Happy Valentine's Day, Big Love! You know those things I still manage to complain about? The ones that really don't matter? I'm gonna try to stop. That's your present (after you eat all the cupcakes we made for you)!

A few small changes

I've been doing a few things differently lately. Nothing huge, but my inner voice isn't berating me as much as it can tend to.

I used clean in huge violent outbursts that took care of things from top to bottom. (To be completely truthful, it would only get things done about 98% because by the time my two hours of cleaning were done, a few of those items you never really know what to do with were still lying around. I told myself I'd get them later but I never really did. So they sat around for days and pissed me off.) I liked having everything done at once so I didn't have to clean for the rest of the week.

Life with two kids is so different and the opportunities to devote a large block of time to anything doesn't really exist. The house wasn't getting cleaned up as regularly as it needed. The more I felt things weren't getting done, the more stressed out I was. I hated feeling like I couldn't get on top of things and that my house was a mess. I was beating myself up about it too much.

While discussing "busy-ness" with my discussion group at the moms group I go to a week from tomorrow, a woman said: "When I had kid #1 I said, 'I don't need someone to tell me how to clean my house. When I had kid #2 I said, 'I need someone to tell me how to clean my house.!'" I had to double check and make sure that I wasn't listening to myself talk! She mentioned that FlyLady's methods were helping her feel a little bit more on top of things. ". (This was not the first time I had heard about FlyLady. I scoffed at the need to have someone tell me how to clean my house when my friend down the street had mentioned it some time back.) Since this was the second person I had heard about it from I decided to give it a try.

In seven days of following the suggestions I am feeling better about my house. A bit of effort here and there each day and I can feel like eventually I will be on top of things. The house isn't clean top to bottom yet but changing my perspective on what I 'should' be doing (and how) is helping me feel like things are less out of control. - and be happy with that.

Another place that I have made a few changes is with my computer time. When the holiday shopping season was in full swing I was obsessed with checking out the amazon deals, trying to decide which tv we were going to buy and trying to find the cheapest prices for the kids' presents. While my children were never neglected, my time was split a little more than I liked. All this time at the computer did help me to find the deals I wanted but I did spend more time than I needed to, mindlessly surfing the internets. I'd check facebook every few minutes when there couldn't possibly be anything new. It was a little ridiculous. Once I pulled myself away from the computer, I'd blink my eyes a few times to adjust back to daylight rather than the light from my screen. My brain felt stagnant.

Once Christmas shopping was done I didn't know what to do with myself when I didn't have anything to buy on amazon! I continued to check reader and facebook more times than necessary. I was wasting time and my brain was still mush. I'd have more time for things if I let the internets stop sucking it away from me. So I decided to make a change. While I still check things frequently, I try my best to only check them once or twice in a sitting. Once that is done and I don't have anything specific to do I put the computer down. (This is helped greatly by the fact that Little Man thinks the computer is fair game and I need to shove it under the couch to keep it safe!) If Sweet One isn't done her tv show I grab a magazine, I do some de-cluttering or I just snuggle a kid.

All in all, these two changes aren't going to solve world hunger or earn me a Nobel Prize, but they are helping me have a better state of mind each day. And if that is all they accomplish, then it is well worth my efforts.

The Sound of Silence

I never used to do well with silence. Going from High School to dorms at University, silence was pretty rare. As life moved on I felt uncomfortable with too much silence. Living on my own for four years I would either have the TV or music on to fill the air. I'm not too sure why that is. There's a big chance that I wasn't comfortable enough with myself and having to listen to too much going on in my head.

The first time my in-laws visited us Big Love had to work while they were here which left me with the job of entertaining them. They don't talk a whole lot and I found myself squirming in my seat to try and figure out if it was because they just liked the quiet from time to time or if they were not enjoying themselves. And so I rambled on and on and on (slam head against wall) because I simply didn't know what I was supposed to do. Silence by myself was one thing, silence with two other people I wasn't completely comfortable with was a whole other challenge!

More and more I am now finding myself loving the quiet. If I luck out enough to have a few quiet moments to myself in the day it isn't hard for me to just sit and drink my decaf coffee. Nothing really on my mind. I move only enough to raise my orange up to my lips. My skin tingles like it does when I'm falling asleep. I have no problem slowing down my brain. When I feel like I'm slogging through mud every day, it's nice to stop and give in to the weight of my tired mind and body.

***
On a very different note, the mail brought us notices to say that our status has been adjusted to permanent resident. This is such great news for us. No more worrying, nausea, fear of being deported or anything else like that that goes along with being on a temporary visa.

Purpose

When I've been striving to do something but never finding the exact words, it is wonderful to come across them in someone's FB status. And I shall aim to read this to start each and every day.

The real purpose of life is love. Love is our very essence, the all which created us and is us. This day I will work to remove that which blocks my love from flowing freely. I will learn to love myself and I will liberally share my love with others. I will be kind, understanding and compassionate. I will make love a daily focus and priority in my life, and I will try to fill every moment of my life and yours with love. I will tell you how much I love you as often as I can. - "Principles of Being" by Austin Vickers

Being Thankful

It's the Thanksgiving weekend in Canada and even though I didn't make any pumpkin pie (opting rather to go to the park with the kids), we enjoyed turkey, roasted compost butternut squash and roasted potatoes.

My son ... he wakes me up multiple times a night, and in the morning I am not sure if I'm going to make it through the day without collapsing into a ball of exhaustion. But somehow I do. His smiles and giggles are enough to make up for the lack of sleep. And really, he's just hungry. I have a healthy boy who is slowly earning the nickname Little Moose because he is growing so quickly during this growth spurt that has lasted for two months and counting.

Sweet One ... she lives life to its fullest, teaching me what it means to not be scared to say hello to a stranger (and in some cases she gives them a hug) and also to take responsible for my actions. Because when she pushes my buttons she really pushes them. An alarm goes off and I learn very quickly that I need to take responsibility for how I react. And then twenty seconds later she has thrown on her cute and plants a kiss on me with such gusto that I sit there wondering how I was so lucky to have her as my daughter.

Big Love ... He deserves a prize. Stuck with whatever I have leftover at the end of every day (and I can guarantee you that since we made Little Man there isn't much of anything left over!), putting up with my mood swings and frustrations, and has never once raised his voice to me or said mean words. I'm not sure how he does it because there are times I am a cow and would fully deserve it. I'm much more lucky and thankful to have him in my life than I show him on a regular basis at this point in our lives. Fortunately, he doesn't seem to want to run and hide.

I've had struggles with the family I grew up in over the past few years, but I am thankful every day because they helped to shape who I am. Whether I am desperately trying not to do what my parents did or wishing I had the courage to take a leap of faith like my sister, my family will always be where I came from.

My friends rock. A kick in the pants to smarten me up, wise words that help me realize I'm not losing my mind, or helping me enjoy the day outside despite the fact that our kids are driving us nuts .... their numbers are huge, but the few close friends I have are worth more than gold.

I have a lot of 'have not' moments in my life. But really, I have more than I truly need. In our house that keeps us warm and protected from the outside, we have full bellies and lots of laughter. There are many who do not and I am thankful for this.

The random moments in a day that make me laugh ... this year was my best crop of butternut squash, and I didn't even plant any this year! They grew from my compost along with these small gourds. The funniest part is that two years ago we went to Baltimore and on our way back we stopped at a Trader Joe's. Sweet One found a gourd that she really liked and so we bought it for her entertainment while I continued to shop. That is the only gourd we have ever had and I remember throwing it in the compost. Two years later it has two kids. This is practically a family picture of us!

I am thankful for so much more than what I have typed but since my brain is slowly shutting down I will finish the day being thankful for television. Because when I am exhausted and my body hurts, there is nothing that turns off my brain better.

There is no where else to go

I've been struggling over the past few weeks about whether or not I want to continue attending the moms group that I do. Twice a month Sweet One and I go while Little Man stays home in the morning with his Dad. I drink coffee, sit at a table with other women, listen to the 'lesson' that they teach, do a craft and eat some food while Sweet One goes to the room where they have things set up with age appropriate activities for her. She seems to like it and I do not have another place at this point in time where she can go and socialize with her peers.

The group is a chapter of a national organization based upon concepts and beliefs of Evangelical Fundamentalism and we meet in a large church. The building is enormous and the strange bubble that we meet in is their sanctuary, carpeted to look like it doubles as a basketball court. I've struggled with Evangelical Fundamentalism since I first attended a church when I was sixteen. The sermon hour ended up with people laying on hands, fainting, crying out and having muscle spasm that they claimed was 'the spirit of the Lord God upon me!' The language they use to express their beliefs, the minimal education required for their pastors and how the bible is interpreted are all things I do not fully understand.

Last year it felt different for me. There have been a lot of new moms joining the chapter this year and the bigger it gets the more uncomfortable I am feeling. I am an introvert by nature and I get overwhelmed in too large of a group. I express these feelings by spurting out things I later regret or by getting too eager to talk (our discussion time is limited and I wonder if others feel like I don't share that time enough). I wish I could just sit back and relax, contributing to conversations only when my brain isn't feel like it is about to short circuit.

Another factor that seems to be contributing to my sense of uneasiness here is that I sense a division growing stronger within the group. The very large steering committee is comprised mostly of women who attend the church where we meet. They do a lot of things together. This chapter seems to be an extension of their already established social group that goes from church, to home to everywhere else in their lives. As the overall chapter grows larger the divisions of cliques becomes more established. I think I fear the meetings might end up like their Sunday morning services.

It is so hard for me to fully understand what I am uncomfortable with. While sitting at my table yesterday morning I had a complete view of the entire room. I looked around and saw some faces I recognized and many I hadn't. I starting feeling like we were all there to sit back and watch what the steering committee was doing; that what was being done was more to fulfill their own sense of purpose and self-importance than to build and foster a community of women.

If I were to stop attending these meetings there is nothing else like this in this little rural town. My friend attends as well and I know that she would be sad if I were not going. I like that it gives Sweet One somewhere to play with other children and begin to develop her social skills. (One of the women in the two year old room was my discussion leader last year and she says Sweet One is doing better and better every time.) However, shortly after each meeting this year Sweet One has developed a cold which has also affect Little Man. I don't want to spend the entire winter with sick children!

Maybe I can let go of my own ingrained biases about the denomination. Perhaps I'm dwelling on what I don't like about the denomination because I'm feeling self-conscious there. I'm 33 years old, fer fukk sake, so I should be able to behave myself a little better when I recognize my anxiety growing during the meetings! I just hate sitting here more than 24 hours after the meeting ended still regretting the petulant child who whined too much about the decaf running out quickly. If I'm really lucky, I may be able to gain enough self-confidence to not feel like people are looking at me funny wondering why I'm there. And the cherry on top would be that Sweet One won't get sick every time we go and if she does get sick, she'll fight it off quickly and not give the gersm to her brother. I don't really know. I do know that I wish there was a group in this area I could become a part of that I didn't feel like a sore thumb sticking out.

One small change

As I went to bed last night I realized that perhaps I can change things, a few minutes at a time. So I've decided that I will take 5 to 10 minutes for myself every day. Even if I have to go and hide out in our newly insulated attic, I will take these minutes for myself. I will not let anything interrupt me (unless its an emergency). And I will breathe. I will sit there and breathe. That is it. But I think a small change like this will possibly yield great results.

Getting where I want to be

I am not an optimist just as I am not a pessimist. I have always considered myself a realist. When a new situation arises I need to take account of all the negative possibilities before I can prepare for the positive. This way, if it all goes south, I feel more prepared to deal with it rather than having my feet swept out from under me floundering like a goldfish that just jumped out of its bowl. "Hope for the best but expect the worst." A friend told me that. It sounds kinda harsh but it doesn't have to be but it works for me.

To be fair, there are times when I have let the 'expect the worst' part take over. With my anxiety levels whirling out of control, I got trapped in a place that hovered just below that imaginary line of happy and sad. A low-grade depressive state that left me feeling that the more I hoped for the good things, imagined myself feeling great for multiple days in a row, let myself fully enjoyed the good things, the more I would be 'punished' for being optimistic. My punishment was a dark place that was full of anger and self-hatred that I desperately hope my daughter will never inherit.

I've been on and off mild anti-depressants and in and out of counselor's offices since I was 15 or so. The most recent round of counseling was life-changing for me as my mind and body seemed ready to deal with what was at the core of everything. It felt amazing to finally tackle that. I could not have been a good mother to my daughter without working through it all.

Despite this realization and the freedom it gave me, my brain was still chemically and physically predisposed to a mild depression, high anxiety levels and anger when I didn't feel like I was any better. Watching my daughter every day and having an amazingly supportive husband only frustrated me further because I wanted to be present, be "in the now" more but I simply could not seem to get there. (I had read two books over the years that were supposed to help with that. I understood the principles but couldn't 'get' there on my own.)

Then my sister introduced me to this self-help website that has, quite honestly, changed my days. Common sense concepts that are added to my 'list' each and every day (and yes, the checklist sometimes feels much too long) that have helped stop the self-sabotage. It hasn't turned me into an optimist but it has helped me function from a better place. As quickly as the first week and my husband noticed changes. I feel relieved that I can finally take all the concepts I have read about and wanted so desperately to achieve over the years and use the tools that Coach Steele gives to get there. There's a lot of good work to do with it. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed but I do my best to remember to keep at it.

I still have a ways to go - after all I'm not dead and hopefully I'll be learning new things every day. Thankfully, I finally feel like the albatross around my neck is gone. I'm on day 43 and there are 90 in total and I'm really hoping I can keep going. The assignments for this week seem to be the most daunting that I have encountered but since this post has gone differently than I originally imagined, I'll get into that another time. For now, I am grateful that I have finally been able to find a way to function better and enjoy each and every day a little bit more.

30 Days

I had a bad day yesterday. Felt like a shitty mama and an even worse housewife. There is one specific quirk I have that pisses me off to no end. Like my inability to clean up right after I'm done something or to put things away in their places. For example, every morning I make a smoothie and rather than putting my blender back in its place (a whopping foot directly behind where it sits) I leave it there until later in the day when I'm fed up with a clutter (and unfortunately very small) counter space. Or how I look at something that could be put away and rather than taking the 30 seconds it would take, I wait until it and forty three other things are lying around and I'm pissed because everything is a mess.

I read a couple blogs about changing a habit in 30 Days and decided I should fix this one. If I am able it will help me to stop beating myself up about it and maybe I'll spend my free time enjoying myself rather than practicing the art of self-flagellation. I will be realistic and understand that sometimes Sweet One may be hollering for me and it is not the time to clean the kitchen. If I accomplish that, I'm going to buy myself a lug bag that I am coveting but don't think I deserve (that's another issue for another time, I'm sure). I'll let Big Love decide if a difference is apparent.

So here goes Day 1.