Another unwearable sewing project is the reason why I will feel like shit about myself for the next few hours.

So I got back to the shirt I had started a few days before my Dad has his accident. It is Simplicity 2594 view E. I was quite surprised when I pulled it out of the box because I had gotten further ahead than I had remembered. And it actually looked promising to me. Now because of when I had started it, it took a little emotional encouragement to get back at it. Once I did I was excited because I had high hopes that it would turn out alright. Not as perfect as this one but something I could add to my sad summer wardrobe (my daughter keeps telling me I need new shirts because I have holes all over the area where it rubs on my pants button).

The yoke totally got me. I had to undo the shoulder seams because I thought I messed up and so I just did what I thought might work out. But it didn't because somehow when I went to attach the yoke and do the top stitching, it didn't line up and I had to fold over some of the collar. Ok. I can deal.

At this point I put the shirt over me and because I didn't use a knit, nor did I cut the bottom three inches 2 sizes bigger than the rest, I don't think it is going to get pulled over my body. And then I think it is going to be much too tight around the muffin top.

The problem with each and every attempt at making a top for myself flopping, I start to beat myself up. I really want to be able to make myself something here and there and I know I need to keep working at it to get any better, but I feel like every attempt gets all fukked up! It's a waste of money for me to buy the material and never wear the shirt.

If the top part does end up being somewhat wearable, maybe I can add a zipper in the side near the bottom, but then that is going to be very stiff compared to the rest of the soft cotton material that I used. Why can I make such nice stuff for my kids and when it comes to attempting something for myself, it looks like shit?!

And yet, I still want to keep trying. There's a top pattern floating around on the interwebs that I might try. Maybe I'll have better luck with a PDF pattern than the ones I get from the usual suppliers.

Sounds like summer

What I wish it was like:

Ahhh, summertime. The kids can run around the backyard while I putz in my garden, we can drink lemonade to our hearts' content, they can run through the sprinkler, I can sit and read my book .... all the wonderful simplicities that we can enjoy in our backyard.

What yesterday really was:

I want a fence. Just like last year at this time, I desperately want a fence. Then I wouldn't have to put up with so many kids using our backyard as theirs. Ok yes, I told the parents the kids could walk through so they didn't have to walk along the busy street but seriously, they're turning it into an extension of their own backyard. And seriously, kid. Is yelling the whole time actually considered communication in your house because it's been over an hour and that is all I've heard. A loud, guttural yell that doesn't make you sound cool, it exhausts me and makes me want to shove that football-with-a-tail-on-it down your throat. The kids jumping on the trampoline which is on the other side of the fence from you aren't yelling half as much as you! And really, if you're going to throw that damn thing over the fence, perhaps actually get it over the fence. I know it gives you one more thing to yell about and feel like your cool and perhaps actually getting the attention that you want. But if it ends up landing in my garden you sure as hell better not think that you are allowed to walk in it and stomp all over the little plants that are just starting to emerge. Great, here's comes neighbor kid. I can only imagine how many hours I'm going to have to spend involuntarily babysitting you once you're all done Kindergarten because rather than play with you themselves, your parents will tell you that Sweet One is outside and you should go play with her and teach her all sorts of nasty, spoiled girl ways to disrespect everyone else around you. Did you seriously just walk up to my daughter only to tell her that you're not going to play with her? I can see from the look on your snotty little face that you are doing it only for your own little power trip. Please let us be busy when it is your birthday party this year because I really don't want to have to spend any money on you nor socialize with your extended family that pretended we weren't there last year!

What I hope might happen:

That we will move. To a sweet area in a larger center where we can have a house with a fence. And that when it comes time to move, this house which I do so love, won't take more than a year to sell!

Thought I should stop in

I haven't been here very much lately. Not a single post in May. It wasn't because things weren't happening because it was actually quite a busy month. The kids and I traveled up to Toronto to meet my mom for a few days and then near the end of the month my sister and her kids made it to our house. This visit was a big deal in my world because it was the first time my sister came to my house.

I'm not sure why it is but when I'm visiting with my family there is so much that happens for me emotionally. With my mom, it was learning to let go of the mother I often wish she would be and know that I am still ok if she is unable to listen to what I'm saying. With my sister, well I can't sum it up into a little sentence but I do know that I started the visit out feeling like I desperately needed her approval for so much but it didn't end that way. I really loved having her here. The week ended too quickly.

Now I'm stuck in the stage of kids who will go to bed perfectly one night and then they spend a chunk of time the next talking to each other. Right now, Little Man is calling his sister over and over. Sometimes in the morning Sweet One tells me that she snuggled Little Man so that he could go to sleep. I absolutely love it. She is becoming incredibly protective of her little brother. Just the other day he was almost knocked over by a 5 year old on his bike. It took her very little time to be by his side with her arm around him to make sure he was perfectly fine. If there is one thing I hope to do as their mother is to teach them to care for one another.

Now my focus is on trying to get a few things done around the house and prepare for our road trip. We will have close to 30 hours of traveling (in one direction) to get to the place where we will bury my Dad's ashes. We're driving mostly because it is much cheaper than flying and also because we thought it might be fun to see the sites on the way. Also, if the kids get restless, we can just get out of the car and go explore something. We'll have 6 states to check out as we head west and then return. It could be very interesting! Our furthest point west is going to be Mount Rushmore. I was there once a long time ago with my family on one of our trips.

So nothing too exciting but still a lot in my world. Now to get the motivation to get some work done on my damn porch!

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9 months later

A week ago when we were at our Saturday place for cinnamon buns (a local artisan bakery which we love), I saw a photo on the wall that came from the next door art store. It is of a bit of a dark 'spot' in the trees. Like a quiet place one might find to go and sit. Rays of sunshine are making their way through the branches to light to it a little at a time. I fell in love with it. I've never felt a connection with a photo the way I do with that one. It was on my mind the moment we walked in the store. To say it spoke to me sounds cheesy but that is absolutely true. I felt deep down that I needed to have it. It was $175. I didn't have the money for it but I couldn't take the risk of it disappearing.

I went next door and spoke with the store owner. I told her something was drawing me to that picture and that I wanted it but I didn't have the money right. She told me for $5 down, it is mine and I can pay as I can until I reach the total. No time limit. "You should have an emotional experience when you buy a piece of art."

I nearly cried. I had no worries about committing to the price. (That was quite surprising in itself!) She let me take a small sold sign to place on the picture and I couldn't have been happier. Something in that picture speaks a truth to me that I am only beginning to understand.

I got home and was glancing through Facebook. Sweet One said she wanted to see "that picture". I pulled up my profile picture, saw my father holding me at about 1 year old and both of us completely covered in diaper cream. I looked at the date in the lower right corner of my computer. 9 months ago today he died.

So much is churning inside of me. One thing is somehow connected to the next. I'm singing again, I'm finding beauty in things I see. But most of all, I'm learning to trust my inner voice.

Starting 35

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. I wasn't looking forward to it. I was stuck in a funk for too much of the day. Thirty was exciting because I was looking forward to getting pregnant (and strangely enough I ovulated on my birthday and had a positive test a few weeks later!) and I saw so much ahead of me. But with 35, I'm done having babies and I really don't know what is ahead. I've been working through so much over the past 9 months and sometimes I have moments of peace but there are a lot more moments when I feel like I have no clue.

Yesterday morning I ventured out into the rain to go for my run. It's been rough getting back to running since the snow has melted, dealing with a hip injury, and I really wanted a good one. When I got to the trail the rain stopped. The run felt ok. Near the end the sun peaked out for two songs. It was the first time I was actually hearing the lyrics in a particular song and this is what I heard:

You've gotta learn to let things go
Start living without fear
Be willing to fall down, there's so much love here
Believe in what you feel
Relax and know that love, will set you free my dear

Jann Ardne's lyrics spoke to so much of what I'm working through right now. I couldn't ignore it. Then when it was over, the clouds covered up the sun and I didn't see it again for the rest of the day.

Today I started singing while I was washing the floors.  It felt somewhat free and easy. I had no choice but to run upstairs and see if I was close to the appropriate key or if it would be higher and therefore much harder to sing. But it wasn't. I was only a semitone off. I phone a friend of mine who just lost her father and asked her if they would like me to sing at the funeral. She started crying and said they would love it. After 4 years of not singing, I'm jumping in with both feet and it feels good. Terrifying and exciting, but completely right.

I got an email today from the director of Residence Life at the school I did my undergrad at. He told me of how he had been thinking of me and a solo I sang a long time ago. The title of the song was "Behold! I make all things new". His son had lost his wife unexpectedly (neither of them would even be 30) shortly after my Dad died and has found a new love. Some beauty after a hard time. I don't usually get emails from this man but to get one today with all those words, well, I can't help but wonder.

I really don't know what is ahead of me but I'm going to try to stay open to what is around me and learn what I can. It could be quite good!

Let go

Everywhere I turn I am being told I need to let go. It is the only way to move on. "The work happens in the let go." I don't know exactly how to do it right now but I'm finding my way, step by step. It's hard. It's terrifying. But during my 35 miles drive home after an appointment with my counselor, I felt a peace that I don't feel that often. Being an INFP, when I can feel something it is my truth. So I take a moment to breathe it in and let the feeling permeate my body. Right now I am where I am supposed to be. It's not the easiest place but there are moments of beauty and light. I believe that when I am through this part of my life, things will be better. I will be better. And it will be worth every moment.