Trusting the world with My Girl

It is hard trying to trust my girl in the world when I can't always be there to hold her hand. She's doing so well at school and having to keep to her schedule has really helped me get more done because I have less time to sit around when I'm bored. It has been really good for all of us.

There are two sides of the population of this school. One is made up of students who live close to the local College campus where homes and taxes are a little more pricey and the other one is of students who live in a low income housing community. Before Sweet One started school a dear friend of ours who taught there for many years summed it up for us: You'll see those who have a lot and those who don't. There isn't a whole lot of in between. I think we'd be some of the few classified as in between. There have already been some incidences of challenging behaviour from some of her classmates which have proved to be a bit of a surprise. With the support and strong encouragement of her wonderful teacher, my girl is learning to hold her ground. 

At a recent Parent Teacher Conference we learned that academically she's already passed the markers they want them to achieve for the end of Kindergarten so that's easy part of it all! They are already working on reading (She seems to have learned how to read overnight without us teaching her! It's like she's always known how.) and math. I didn't do that until I was in Grade 1! While I know it is great for my girl, I worry for those who are not ready for it and how it might cause them to act out even more than they already are. Especially if they don't have the support behind them at home.

Making new friends at school has also brought with it a birthday invitation. I've said she can go. We went to Wally's Mart so she could pick out the birthday present all by herself. Initially I felt like it would be fine but it is very scary to send her into someone else's house who I do not know. It is all so new. I can not tell you what the anxiety-prone part of my mind is doing to me. I volunteered at the school awhile back and it was nice to have the opportunity to put some names and faces together. The birthday girl is sweet and I can't see how a bad family situation would create that. From what I can tell she's living with her Grandparents. The likelihood of her getting hurt in someway at something like this is very low so why am I being ridiculous?! I've taught her that she can call us if she is ever somewhere she doesn't feel safe. And if the people won't let her use the phone to just take it. 

I want to trust this world. I want to believe in the inherent good in this world. But it is all so scary for me when I hear stories on the news and other places. I guess that's one of the problems with so much focus being on what is wrong with this world and the evils of it. We don't focus on the good things. I do truly believe I need to trust her in and as a part of this world. To do good and to take her big beautiful heart with her and hopefully help someone have a better day. So despite how scary it is for me, I will send her to this part and trust God to take care of my little girl. Unless, of course, she wakes up with a fever or something!

The world is getting bigger

It was a big day today for my Little Man. Unfortunately, despite getting out for my morning run nice and early, I wasn't moving quite as quickly as I should've once I got back and we were running a bit late. He got on his bike and we headed down to "my new preschool". At the moment that I had to hug him and say goodbye he was holding onto my hand pretty hard. He's always held onto me a little more than Sweet One does. (She ran off to her first day of Kindergarten last week like a star!) I gave him a huge hug and told him we'd go out for lunch when he was all done his first day. "I want to go to Wendy's." Anywhere you'd like, kid.

I couldn't get to the coffee shop fast enough. Why is it so comforting to hold onto a cup of coffee? There are moments in my day where I feel like if I can just rest that cup in my hands, against my chest then I can breathe. Across the street is Sweet One's school and I had to drop off her water bottle that Big Love forgot to put in her lunch bag. ("I want a sandwich, an apple and water for my lunch. Every day.")

I have plans for my 2.5 hours, 3 times a week when I am on my own. I'm going to practice and then I'm going to work on all the projects we have that need to get done at the house. My hope is that maybe if those projects get done other things will fall into place and we'll get to move and our house will sell.

After 5.5 years of ignoring a big part of myself and being at home with the kids, it is weird that right now it is all about me. They are off exploring new things and having new adventures without me as their world gets bigger. And while my heart feels like it might break right now, I'm looking forward to what I might be able to accomplish for myself and with our house in over the next chunk of time.

Kindergarten Registration

Tomorrow is a big day. I've been planning how the day will go: grocery shopping (woo...hoo), preschool in the afternoon, whatever else with the kids until supper and then yoga at 6. But what I don't have in there is the fact I have to register my little girl for Kindergarten and I really don't want to.

If you would've asked me about this day a couple years ago I would've said that in no way do I want Sweet One to start Kindergarten here. I wanted to be in a larger center where I could get her into a language immersion program. Let her learn so much more than what this little town has to offer. I was quite adamant. I think I might have told Big Love that I'd be pissed if we were still here at this point.

And we are. Tomorrow I have to register her for Kindergarten. I'm in complete denial and feel like it is impossible to picture myself doing it. I thought for the past while that I was freaking out about her actually being old enough to start Kindergarten but at this exact moment, it isn't as much about that as it is that we are still here. In a place that my dear friend told me (and a bunch of other people at the fancy yoga retreat in Mexico) that I will never completely belong.

So that's where I am right now. We'll see what tomorrow is.

10 years

I was sitting in my apartment and Big Love and I had just finished eating the breakfast I had made. I often went all out and made him bacon, eggs and hashbrowns when he'd stay over on the weekend. As I sat there finishing up I had a large wave of anxiety come over me. My 26th birthday had passed and a few days before my little sister had brought my beautiful niece into the world. Big Love and I had been dating for a few months. I stopped what I was doing. I felt dizzy. Everything started to swirl.  

I'm closer to 30 than 20, I thought I'd be engaged to someone at this point in my life, my sister just had a kid and there are no kids for me any time soon, I just started dating this guy in front of me, I had a major break up only a year and a bit ago and I'm not sure if I could handle another one....

I'm not joking when I say that Big Love got most of that and probably more. The thoughts that were running through my mind spun through my grey matter then up and out in one long sentence and ended with "if you don't think that you can marry me one day, just tell me now." Yup. I did that! His response? "Hon. We're fine." Quietly, calmly. Full of certainty.

My niece turns 10 soon. In less than 2 weeks I will be 36. I'm closer to 40 than 30, I don't have a career, I have been married for 8 years and it seems like we're desperately trying to figure out where the magic went, (of course I still love him and I even still like him, we're just a little stuck and disconnected), my daughter is 5, my son is 3 and they have me bursting with love and pride one minute and spinning in circles the other, we don't want to be living here for too much longer but there don't seem to be good job listings popping up for Big Love, and would we actually be able to afford to live in a larger center on his type of salary? money never seems to be more plentiful, would our current house actually sell in a reasonable time since there have been houses on our block for sale more than a year? I'm always tired, nothing I do seems to help me have more energy, ...... It continues to spin and given what I see at my freak out 10 years ago, I'm sure I'll look back on this in ten years and see how it all worked itself out.

I think I need to write things out more. Whether it be here or in morning pages but having it all inside doesn't seem to be helping me much.

Progress

"Holding in negative emotions such as grief and anger is exhausting. Naming them and releasing them regularly through writing, movement, tears, singing, or making sounds frees us up to live full, vibrant lives."

"We all have a beautiful light within... We just sometimes forget it is there." - John Holland

I have read both of these quotes through Dr. Wayne W. Dyer's Facebook Page. (Did anyone else laugh their ass off at the Wayne Dyer reference on American Hustle?)

I have practiced 16 of the last 22 days. That's a lot for me. I didn't even practice on my own that much when I was singing regularly in choirs. Some days I have dragged myself through every minute of it, some have had moments to keep me going and then I have a day like today. Where everything sits well. I feel pieces of my emotional being finding their place. It feels good and it will keep me going even if the next 5 practice sessions suck.

For the first time in my life I am practicing for myself because I want to find my voice. I knew that when I started singing again it would have to be for myself only and not because I had people at the church nagging me to do so. I have no desire to sing in the church services right now. Maybe down the road that will change but right now I'm singing the music that keeps me going. And it feels very good.

Keep Going

Yesterday, I dragged myself through half an hour of practicing. It felt hard, very frustrating and all I wanted to do was stop. But I kept on going because of this video that my sister had posted on Facebook.



I've said before that I don't know how to do the hard stuff. I know how to learn the music quickly and memorize it quickly but I do not know how to keep going when I feel like I'm fighting my muscles every step of the way.

Today after a lovely dinner date with my Sweet One I practiced for 20 minutes. Yes, my muscles tire easily but I managed to get a placement that felt good. I had spin. I had freedom despite the fatigue. And I guess that's why I want to keep going. The few moments that tell me "that's why I'm doing this" despite all the other minutes that make me want to give up.

Scrambled

I'm really not sure what I want to put on this page right now. I feel so much shifting going on internally but the pieces aren't fitting together yet. I'm trying to mentally prepare to be away from my kiddos for 9 days beginning at the end of March and it is scary. A big part of me hopes that the week in the sun, doing yoga, sitting on the beach, doing the things that you do at a yoga retreat on an isolated island is going to take all of this and put it together. Not all that realistic. It is still hard to think that this trip is really happening because it is something that I thought I could only dream of doing.

We've had a rough winter with illness. A few days after Sweet One's 5th Birthday, Little Man came down with a fever and Sweet One got hers the next day. Sweet One's lasted 3 days but Little Man's lasted 5 days until I took him in and learned he had an ear infection. She ended up with a cough that didn't stop for more than a minute or so throughout the entire day. She was exhausted. The next week at her 5 year wellness checkup they diagnosed a sinus infection which didn't surprise me. But a fever came back that same afternoon. 2.5 week after all of this started I got a fever. My first in 15 years. I felt like crap. While I wanted nothing more than to curl up in my bed, Little Man kept whining and asking me to hold him. When I finally gave in his forehead felt hot. Over a week into his antibiotics and he had another fever? Back to the Dr's office for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. He tested positive for the Flu and so both the kids were put on Tamiflu. I picked it up from the pharmacy and the three of us headed south for 1h45 to get my Mom from the airport because she was coming for a visit. (You'd think having her around would be helpful but it really wasn't. She talked about making me soup and when I told her I had everything for it she never got around to it.) The next day I found hives on Little Man and we spent the following 4 days dealing with them because, I do not over exaggerate, there was more hive than skin on my boy. Three antihistamines later and we were able to avoid steroids. Big Love also got a fever to finish everyone off. It was really a terrible 3.5 weeks and now 6 weeks after it all started I still feel weary because Sweet One is still complaining of a sore forehead and coughing. Little Man is also saying he doesn't feel that good.

I'm scrambled. Not sure where I am but trying to have faith it is all a journey that will bring me to somewhere beautiful. I'm currently reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson and there are moments when I feel reassured that I am on the right track. This morning I read a post by Sizzle and the quotes she includes from her friend I absolutely love. (Love the housework one and housewives defaulting to drugs!) I've also read some Louise Hay and various other books. I feel like eventually I will be able to integrate it all into my being and then I can heal and thrive.

I'm not settled. I get antsy. I need to meditate more. I'm trying to get practicing again but it is both hard and scary. A wise friend once told me that it is the things that scare us the most that are most worth doing. I actually performed last weekend. A couple 70's love songs. Vocally they weren't challenging at all but it was scary to get back out into the lights. Once I was there it felt so good. And so I keep plugging away. Hoping that all this exhausting work will one day leave me feeling full of energy and finding peace where there currently is not.