Saturday, April 12, 2014

10 years

I was sitting in my apartment and Big Love and I had just finished eating the breakfast I had made. I often went all out and made him bacon, eggs and hashbrowns when he'd stay over on the weekend. As I sat there finishing up I had a large wave of anxiety come over me. My 26th birthday had passed and a few days before my little sister had brought my beautiful niece into the world. Big Love and I had been dating for a few months. I stopped what I was doing. I felt dizzy. Everything started to swirl.  

I'm closer to 30 than 20, I thought I'd be engaged to someone at this point in my life, my sister just had a kid and there are no kids for me any time soon, I just started dating this guy in front of me, I had a major break up only a year and a bit ago and I'm not sure if I could handle another one....

I'm not joking when I say that Big Love got most of that and probably more. The thoughts that were running through my mind spun through my grey matter then up and out in one long sentence and ended with "if you don't think that you can marry me one day, just tell me now." Yup. I did that! His response? "Hon. We're fine." Quietly, calmly. Full of certainty.

My niece turns 10 soon. In less than 2 weeks I will be 36. I'm closer to 40 than 30, I don't have a career, I have been married for 8 years and it seems like we're desperately trying to figure out where the magic went, (of course I still love him and I even still like him, we're just a little stuck and disconnected), my daughter is 5, my son is 3 and they have me bursting with love and pride one minute and spinning in circles the other, we don't want to be living here for too much longer but there don't seem to be good job listings popping up for Big Love, and would we actually be able to afford to live in a larger center on his type of salary? money never seems to be more plentiful, would our current house actually sell in a reasonable time since there have been houses on our block for sale more than a year? I'm always tired, nothing I do seems to help me have more energy, ...... It continues to spin and given what I see at my freak out 10 years ago, I'm sure I'll look back on this in ten years and see how it all worked itself out.

I think I need to write things out more. Whether it be here or in morning pages but having it all inside doesn't seem to be helping me much.

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