I just finished Dr. Oz's 3 Day Detox Cleanse. There were moments when it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be and then there were some moments, like when I was trying to prepare my lunch smoothie and I had two crying kids who also needed lunch and my head was a little dizzy because I needed to ingest something, that were a little crazy!
I went for a jog on Wednesday morning and that was my first day. Not sure if that was a good thing or not as I'm usually quite hungry after a jog, but I survived. Friday was definitely the hardest. But that could have also been because Big Love was home and I didn't need to power through the day as much as I do when I'm on my own with the kids.
When I look back at it, 12 smoothies in three days is a lot, especially when the lunch one pretty much filled up my entire blender! Little Man wanted to taste them but quickly determined that they were 'yucky'. They really didn't taste that bad, and the supper one would tasted even better if I would have had access to ripe mangoes. (But really, mangoes are not local and I live in a rural town. What do I expect at this time of year!)
I think I learned some things about letting a difficult moment pass without freaking out, taking an extra breath here and there, and trying not to lose my temper simply because I'm feeling a little miserable.
Another smoothie first thing, a beautiful morning for a run today and I'm ready to get back to solid foods!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
Birthday Surprises
Sweet One had an amazing time at her birthday party. The cake didn't fall on the floor like last year, she and her friends had fun running around and playing in the church's gym, she got spoiled with an official Disney Tangled dress complete with a braided headband, an official Tinkerbell dress (which she is wearing as she watches Secret of the Wings which her uncle gave her) and more things that she is loving. Today is her actual birthday and so we had a special waffles and strawberries breakfast and some more gift opening. Yesterday we opened just the ones from friends at the party and today I'm trying to spread them out throughout the day! We'll end with dinner at Wendy's and home for more cake and ice cream.
Along with all of Sweet One's surprises, I got my own today. I had just finished working out in the attic and decided to look for my diamond a bit. The whole time I thought I was wasting my time but I checked one more spot and there it was, sitting on a floorboard, shining a wee bit! It's been a very good day!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Meaningful possessions
I've been reading Happier at Home by Gretchen Rubin. I read about it somewhere and put it on my amazon wishlist. On Christmas Eve, I found it in one of the boxes from my sister that I was instructed to "just leave the goddamn box sealed until the 24" and then wrap the contents up. I wasn't too excited but the moment I started reading it I changed my mind. I'm reading it slowly, trying to think about the things I've read and actually remember them. (I'm not one who can easily remember details from reading, I'm better at big pictures.)
I'm slowly making my way through Chapter 1 which addresses possessions and simplifying. She challenges the idea that having less things around us will make us happier because for some people, these possessions mean much more than simply their physical value.
From my point of view, my sister has a lot of things. Many of them I really like and often find myself wishing I had. When we were visiting this summer she had a coffee cup that was shaped like a Starbucks take out cup and it looks like a black piece of paper with circles cut out were placed on a white mug. I loved it. When I was leaving she gave it to me. It didn't mean much to her but i use it every time I sit and have my coffee at home. I love it. The energy and story behind this mug, despite its simplicity and that my sister probably hardly gives it a second though, means a lot to me. I'm reminded of my sister each day and I get to hold something that she held even though she is many thousand miles away. So possessions are important to some of us.
Shortly after lunch today I turned on Olivia for the kids. I stood there watching them for a few moments and, as I so often do, I rubbed my back with the back of my left hand. Something hurt. I was a little surprised. When I brought my hand in front of me the diamond was missing in my engagement ring. I had cried. I'm extremely sad about it. It feels like such a bigger loss than just a stone. I imagined having it for many years even though it wasn't grand or fancy. Big Love chose it because it had a lot of color in it - sometimes I could see a bit of a rainbow inside.
My sister had talked to me and told me that Dad was talking about coming back to Canada for Christmas. (He was living in Norway at this point.) It was always very stressful to have him in her house for two weeks straight during the holidays and she had asked me to try and dissuade him from doing so. So on a Saturday while on my way to choir rehearsal (I used to sing in a professional choir) I was talking to him on the phone. Because even then our relationship was strained I would often talk to him at this time because then I had an excuse to get off the phone. We were talking about him coming for Christmas and I told him that he may want to hold off on a visit because if things went the way I was thinking they were, he'd need to come in the spring or summer for a wedding. Big Love was at my apartment when I got home about 5.5 hours later and with a little bit of nervousness in my voice, I asked him if it was ok that I told my Dad that. Big Love looked at me with big eyes and calmly asked, "Do you think it is ok?" I said yes and then he reassured me that everything was fine.
I found out a few weeks later that while I had been at rehearsal, Big Love was out buying my ring. He was so nervous he made a few laps around the mall before he actually went into the store. After buying it, he was so nervous/excited that he walked home to his apartment rather than taking the bus (the walk could have easily been an hour). Then he put it away in a safe spot and hopped on the bus to come to meet me at my apartment.
This diamond is so much more than just a diamond. I can not even think of all the things that it symbolizes for me. I have cried and I just feel sad. I really want a little miracle to happen and it show up but I don't have my hopes up. It doesn't seem plausible. It also isn't plausible that we'll be able to get a replacement in any foreseeable future.
(This post has rambled a bit and I'm sorry, but I felt I needed to get something out somewhere!)
And now I need to find the energy to prepare for Sweet One's 4th Birthday Party tomorrow!
I'm slowly making my way through Chapter 1 which addresses possessions and simplifying. She challenges the idea that having less things around us will make us happier because for some people, these possessions mean much more than simply their physical value.
From my point of view, my sister has a lot of things. Many of them I really like and often find myself wishing I had. When we were visiting this summer she had a coffee cup that was shaped like a Starbucks take out cup and it looks like a black piece of paper with circles cut out were placed on a white mug. I loved it. When I was leaving she gave it to me. It didn't mean much to her but i use it every time I sit and have my coffee at home. I love it. The energy and story behind this mug, despite its simplicity and that my sister probably hardly gives it a second though, means a lot to me. I'm reminded of my sister each day and I get to hold something that she held even though she is many thousand miles away. So possessions are important to some of us.
Shortly after lunch today I turned on Olivia for the kids. I stood there watching them for a few moments and, as I so often do, I rubbed my back with the back of my left hand. Something hurt. I was a little surprised. When I brought my hand in front of me the diamond was missing in my engagement ring. I had cried. I'm extremely sad about it. It feels like such a bigger loss than just a stone. I imagined having it for many years even though it wasn't grand or fancy. Big Love chose it because it had a lot of color in it - sometimes I could see a bit of a rainbow inside.
My sister had talked to me and told me that Dad was talking about coming back to Canada for Christmas. (He was living in Norway at this point.) It was always very stressful to have him in her house for two weeks straight during the holidays and she had asked me to try and dissuade him from doing so. So on a Saturday while on my way to choir rehearsal (I used to sing in a professional choir) I was talking to him on the phone. Because even then our relationship was strained I would often talk to him at this time because then I had an excuse to get off the phone. We were talking about him coming for Christmas and I told him that he may want to hold off on a visit because if things went the way I was thinking they were, he'd need to come in the spring or summer for a wedding. Big Love was at my apartment when I got home about 5.5 hours later and with a little bit of nervousness in my voice, I asked him if it was ok that I told my Dad that. Big Love looked at me with big eyes and calmly asked, "Do you think it is ok?" I said yes and then he reassured me that everything was fine.
I found out a few weeks later that while I had been at rehearsal, Big Love was out buying my ring. He was so nervous he made a few laps around the mall before he actually went into the store. After buying it, he was so nervous/excited that he walked home to his apartment rather than taking the bus (the walk could have easily been an hour). Then he put it away in a safe spot and hopped on the bus to come to meet me at my apartment.
This diamond is so much more than just a diamond. I can not even think of all the things that it symbolizes for me. I have cried and I just feel sad. I really want a little miracle to happen and it show up but I don't have my hopes up. It doesn't seem plausible. It also isn't plausible that we'll be able to get a replacement in any foreseeable future.
(This post has rambled a bit and I'm sorry, but I felt I needed to get something out somewhere!)
And now I need to find the energy to prepare for Sweet One's 4th Birthday Party tomorrow!
Monday, December 24, 2012
Happy Christmas!
It's been a hard December. My Dad's birthday was on December 15. Instead of spending that Saturday stuck in the house with the kids, as I usually do, a friend and I took our four kids to a wonderful little place to look at Christmas Lane. Not sure what I do without my new friend in my life!
This is the first year since Sweet One was born that I attended church throughout the Advent season and Christmas Eve. It has been nice because I feel like it has been more meaningful ... the last two years I've felt disappointed. Being at church has definitely filled whatever I felt was missing.
I miss my Dad. I'm sad for my sister and her kids who had him as such a big part of their Christmas. There is so much more but I have no energy and I don't know if I've managed to process it into words, yet.
I've been trying to focus on all the wonder that Sweet One and Little Man have been finding in the season. They loved putting up our outdoor Christmas lights, our advent treats and story book have been something that has become a part of our days, decorating the tree - Little Man still walks up to it and is completely dazzled by the shiny bulbs and all the other ornaments. Well, these are what have been keeping me going. I'm looking forward to the morning and all excitement the kids will bring to the day.
Happy Christmas. I hope your time is spent enjoying time with those you love and finding some peaceful moments.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
In Coming!
"Watch out for Little Man!" I call to Sweet One as he runs at her wielding part of her magnetic doll. It is raised above his head and he is about to throw it at hers when she hears my warning, turns to find the safest route of escape and runs.
Last night Little Man chuckled when he realized I had just emptied the plastic garbage bin in our upstairs bathroom. He picked it up and said, "Hit! Hit!" as he launched it towards the wall. We received a package in the mail this morning and he smiled as I gave it to him. "Hit! Hit!" I was barely in time to stop him from whacking it against the table.
Sweet One sits in front of the tv enjoying one of her shows when the next thing she knows, her brother is wrapping his arms around her head and trying to flatten her.
Now there are other moments when Sweet One is screaming, "No Little Man!" because she is afraid he's coming in for one of his attacks when in fact he is only coming in for a snuggle. But this little boy is 'all. boy.' and it's exhausting! I'm starting to wonder if I might be able to find a straight jacket for him so I can stop him from hitting everyone and everything that he sees.
Last night Little Man chuckled when he realized I had just emptied the plastic garbage bin in our upstairs bathroom. He picked it up and said, "Hit! Hit!" as he launched it towards the wall. We received a package in the mail this morning and he smiled as I gave it to him. "Hit! Hit!" I was barely in time to stop him from whacking it against the table.
Sweet One sits in front of the tv enjoying one of her shows when the next thing she knows, her brother is wrapping his arms around her head and trying to flatten her.
Now there are other moments when Sweet One is screaming, "No Little Man!" because she is afraid he's coming in for one of his attacks when in fact he is only coming in for a snuggle. But this little boy is 'all. boy.' and it's exhausting! I'm starting to wonder if I might be able to find a straight jacket for him so I can stop him from hitting everyone and everything that he sees.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Don't shoot!
The picture at the top of my blog, that's where I go for my runs. On the other side of the bridge is the .25 mile mark and today I was greeted by a hunter. Yup. This trail is one of the most used recreational trails in the area and this morning I saw four hunters as well as three other runners, at least four walkers, a cyclist and three dogs. Less than 100 yards from this trail is also a Home Depot and an interstate. Seriously! What. The. Fukk. I saw a young girl, about 3 years old, on that trail Monday morning! My pace was quick partly because I was so pissed off that it is ok for them to be there. I need to get something bright orange on my head, I think, or a big sign on my back that says, "Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!"
I warned a few of the other people I saw who were just beginning their walk/run and they seemed just as surprised that there were hunters on the trail. After my run was done, and at the encouragement of a couple other runners I had mentioned it to, I phoned the police to see if this was legal. I ended up speaking with the chief of that particular police service and he sounded somewhat sad to inform me that no, the hunters are not breaking any laws. I mentioned that I saw one relieving himself against his truck. The police chief seemed to perk up at that and said that if I were to get his hunting license number (which should be on his back) in that instance he would be the first person down there to write him up for that. If I were to ask the hunter to use the facilities provided at the beginning of the trail and he starts up swearing at me, the chief said he'd be down there again.
It did come up in our conversation that I don't have a cell phone. The police chief strongly encouraged me to go to a large store that starts with a W and buy a disposable cell phone. If something happens to me on that trail and no one is around, who knows how long it would take to find me. Also, I have taken my kids out there quite a bit (hence the picture at the top of the blog!). I talked to Big Love about it and we're going to. For use in emergencies only. We have no need for a cell phone full time but this will help us both feel more comfortable in those moments where we have often said to each other, "I wish I had a cell phone just in case." Winter is coming and roads get icy.
I warned a few of the other people I saw who were just beginning their walk/run and they seemed just as surprised that there were hunters on the trail. After my run was done, and at the encouragement of a couple other runners I had mentioned it to, I phoned the police to see if this was legal. I ended up speaking with the chief of that particular police service and he sounded somewhat sad to inform me that no, the hunters are not breaking any laws. I mentioned that I saw one relieving himself against his truck. The police chief seemed to perk up at that and said that if I were to get his hunting license number (which should be on his back) in that instance he would be the first person down there to write him up for that. If I were to ask the hunter to use the facilities provided at the beginning of the trail and he starts up swearing at me, the chief said he'd be down there again.
It did come up in our conversation that I don't have a cell phone. The police chief strongly encouraged me to go to a large store that starts with a W and buy a disposable cell phone. If something happens to me on that trail and no one is around, who knows how long it would take to find me. Also, I have taken my kids out there quite a bit (hence the picture at the top of the blog!). I talked to Big Love about it and we're going to. For use in emergencies only. We have no need for a cell phone full time but this will help us both feel more comfortable in those moments where we have often said to each other, "I wish I had a cell phone just in case." Winter is coming and roads get icy.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
To be uncomplicated
"For the first time in a long time, then, it felt uncomplicated. It was just love, after all, that I felt for my father, and that wasn't so hard." p 166, The Sentimentalists by Johanna Skibsrud.
There is something inside of me that wants so desperately to let go and find some peace. But I can't. I don't know how to yet. It all feels so complicated. But one day, I hope, I will get there. It will be a beautiful place. And then I can continue on the path that is just around the bend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)