Returning home

My guess is that I have never transitioned well regardless of how old I was. I get nervous going on holidays but once I'm going I'm fine. The trip home feels like one of those tunnels that goes around a turn so long you think it will never end but suddenly you are through. The sunshine is great. For awhile. But then I find myself in dark clouds that stick to my head. They distort everything I see. I can't think straight, I can't focus on anything and I am not fully present in anything I do. I don't feel like I am doing anything right. And this year it seems even harder because I have someone who depends on me for everything. So the little time that leaves for me is almost useless because I just want to curl up and cry. This depression hits me every time I return from a vacation but right now I feel like it is enveloping me and I can't get out. I want to run away but know that wouldn't do a damn thing. And really, an hour away from Sweet One and I feel like something is wrong!

Big Love and I still firmly believe that we are where we need to be. To own a house, for me to stay at home with Sweet One and to get as far out of debt as we can (a light I can actually see at the end of its tunnel). But despite all of that and the momentary feelings of peace I have in our decision it does not make me feel any less guilty about what it means for Sweet One. It means she can't play with her cousins and that right now there are no babies or young kids for her to spend time with. She enjoyed being around her cousins so much and gave enormous smiles to a baby she saw on the plane. It made my heart break for her. Her lack of companions means that I don't have friends and that by far is the hardest thing about living here. Sometimes it just makes me angry.

I hope in a few days I will feel better. Right now I feel completely deflated. I'm exhausted. I don't want to have to do anything. I feel completely stupid and useless because I am struggling to find a way to get Sweet One back onto local time. Prior to and during our vacation she would be asleep before 7, sleep until I woke her at 10:00 and then sleep until 6 or so. Now I can have her asleep before 7 but she wakes up and doesn't get back to sleep until around 10:00. I'm trying something I read which is to put her to bed half an hour earlier each night. Last night it was 9:50 and so tonight may be around 9:30. One thing is clear, the sleep she'd have from 6:30/7-10:00 was definitely important for my own self-care.