Two more brain farts for today

National Delurking Day. Neat! Please, play along and leave me a comment. Come out of hiding and say hello and you will completely make my day. Obviously I have counters because I'm beyond curious to see who may give two shits and where people are from.

Two - Thursday night. One of the bigger days in the tv week for me as Grey's Anatomy is on. HOWEVER. After years of never seeing a bad episode this season is becoming, in my opinion, a bit of a dud. The final episode before Christmas SUCKED ASS as it jumped through Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's in whatever 47 minutes it could. A lack of cohesiveness was so evident. I love Grey's Anatomy people, ever since the first episode I watched as I got mildly drunk in my apartment trying to deal with the fact that my father was visiting (all visits with him over the past 6 or so years have left me drunk before and after as well as in tears and emotionally beaten up). (I am laughing at just how much detail I can recall from different moments in my life, kinda scary. A good memory is not always a good friend.)

OK - I said they were brain farts and in true Mamabird style, that's what came out. Now I'm off to sew a few more curtains for my bedroom.

Missing - my cat and going for walks.

I've been missing and thinking about my little cat a lot more over the past few days. Sometimes I hear noises like he used to make. Yesterday, Sweet One wanted to sit at the piano and as I approached the bench I saw his little footprints. I was looking at a posting from The Storque and there I saw a black cat looking at me. The sun has been shining all day (so far) and when I see it touching the floor I remember that my cat would have been finding every sunny spot her could. Moments before he died he crawled into a sun spot on the couch.

I want to get out for a walk. Sweet One has had a rough day because she missed her morning nap due to the timing of her 'year old' doctor's appointment (still small at 17lbs 4oz but this doctor says not to worry and that the last doctor's assholishness was due to a cultural barrier in communication). I was thinking that if I had a backpack we could get out and so I will get one for her soon ... or maybe I'll win!

Ok, this beautiful little girl is asking for some Mama-time.

If I can't find stroller skis, I'll try to win this

I was looking online again with the smallest of hopes that I may be able to find something that would a) allow me to get outside and go for a walk with my daughter regular during the winter and b) that I could afford. I did find this website that makes Snow Strollers so I definitely have something that matches the a) requirement but alas, at this point it does not fit in with b). HOWEVER, because I'm posting a link to their website I am getting another entry in a contest to try to win one of these. I'd love it SO much. (The fact that this is a Canadian product makes it even cooler in my opinion.)

Sweet One and I did go out for a walk for a bit and while her insulation chamber kept her nice and warm, the walls of snow in front of sidewalks (the rare ones that were actually cleared) made it quite challenging to walk. Oh, if only I could win one of these I wouldn't want to jump off the roof of my house!

Sweet One's first email

This email was in my inbox today for Sweet One. It is from my dear friend who lives in Montreal. Next to Big Love, I'd say she knows me best. With my immediate family being far away I was so happy the day that my friend said she'd be honored to be known as Auntie.

Hello Mamabird and Baby Birthday Girl!

How unbelievable that you should turn 1 today. You have no idea how much your mommy loves you (especially when you sleep for more than 4 hours;) and how many people all over the land think about you and it makes them smile and feel hopeful! You have changed many peoples lives since your arrival. I will always remember the first time I got to hold you, wrapped up tight in that blanket, you certainly were small! Now, you are doing all sorts of things...including climbing stairs, eating big people's foods, babbling, and it looks like in no time you will be toddling around on those adorable legs of yours. Thanks to your mom for keeping your Auntie updated because I love to hear what's new with you. Maybe soon we'll have a chat on the phone...

Happy Birthday to You! Eat some strawberries for me...do you still love those? And give your mom a little snuggle...Moms are suckers for those.

Love you and your mom!

A year already?

Last night as I was rocking Sweet One before I put her in the crib I found it very difficult to want to put her down. It was the last time I would rock her before she became 1 year old. How can it already be that a year has come and gone? As with many other new mom's, the arrival of the first birthday is a little surreal. Could it seriously have been a year ago that I was drugged up, cut open and had this amazing little girl taken out of me? At this exact moment she would have been with us almost a full hour. My world changed completely and I still look at her wondering how on earth this ever happened. Despite how hard the past three months have been, I know and feel how lucky I am that she is healthy and happy. (Except for now because she didn't nap long enough and I'm letting her cry a bit, hoping it will help her learn to nap longer than 30-45 minutes.) Happy Birthday, my dearest Sweet One.

The last three nights have been much better with more sleep happening for everyone here in the nest and so my outlook on life is a little better.

Stroller Skis would tackle this snow

I stepped outside this afternoon at about 2:30 to shovel the walk. The snow has not stopped falling in at least three days! Luckily, it is light and fluffy which makes all the clearing much easier. As you can see, the snow was up passed my ankles and Big Love had been out there around 7pm yesterday to do our third clearing of the day. The greatest thing about when I went out to shovel today was that the sun had decided to make a meager appearance for the first time in many days and there is nothing that makes my life better than the sun shining on my face. I didn't even care that there were wind gusts and a temperature of 17F/-8C and a windchill of 1F. Bring it on! I was
outside and the sun was with me. The only real challenge was finding places to put the snow!

Just prior to going out to shovel I was goofing around online and googled "stroller skis" with the expectation that absolutely nothing would show up. Much to my great surprise, I found this. I got so excited but the feeling quickly passed as I was unable to find any place online that had them available. If Sweet One and I could only go for walks! (The majority of people in this town do not clear their sidewalks!) My desperate plea is that if anyone out there knows where I can get my little hands on a set of these, PLEASE LET ME KNOW! You would be providing me with my very own holy grail and bettering the lives of not just me or Sweet One, but also Big Love because then he wouldn't have to deal with two girls who have been cooped up in the house all day long - for many days on end. In the 10 day weather forecast, Thursday and Monday do not have snow showers in them and the rest do. (I am not joking when I say that it has snowed non-stop here for three or more days!) There is a beautiful walking trail (featured on the blogsite) but it does not get cleared and if I only had a brain, er I mean these stroller skis, I could walk to my heart's content.

Today I said to God: "You're an asshole"

It has been three months now of Sweet One not sleeping through the night and not napping. In fact, the naps seem to be getting shorter lately! I'm desperate every night I rock Sweet One before putting her in her crib (drowsy, but awake) and I beg for God to help all my efforts to get us to where I need us to be. Sweet One is tired all day long and she looks it. I'm beaten up by this and barely holding on. I feel completely isolated in this with no real hope of improvement ever coming. I don't ask for much. But this one thing I'm so desperate for the universe to serve up on a golden platter for me. My frustration and exasperation with this is clouding everything I do all day long. Our bathroom is near completion and I can't put together the energy to blog about that when it is by far more exciting. The snow has not stopped falling for a few days and as I was out doing the second shift in shoveling this afternoon I was standing in beautiful, fluffy snow up to my knees. (I can't wait until Sweet One considers that wonderful!) But all of this is moot. Each day I wake up only to try to get through another day with both of us exhausted. This morning after she had a half hour nap I ended up lying on her floor crying. I don't feel like I can handle this anymore and I am doing absolutely everything in my power and knowledge to try to fix this. It doesn't work. I can't seem to make it work. And so for a little while longer I'm going to think God is an asshole for not helping me out here. It's easier than being angry at Sweet One.